THE ANGEL STAR
By Brennan Haley
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2010 Brennan Haley
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Many years ago, a beautiful princess named Wilamenia was kidnapped by a monster called the Oggley Boggley. King Cederal Bumptious loved his only child very much and sent word throughout the land for someone who could rescue his precious daughter.
But the Oggley Boggley was greatly feared and only one hero showed up to accept the challenge. The doors of the King's court rattled from a terrific knock. The King’s Counsel asked "Who's there?"
A voice answered. "Salmon."
"Salmon who?"
"Salmon enchanted evening, you will meet a stranger!! Now open the darn door, buddy."
The door opened with a majestic screech to welcome in ... a barely teenage boy in a pirate's costume.
Jordan threw back his chest and announced to all. "Your highness, I'm Jordan the Pirate and I will rescue your daughter!
The King snorted. "Jordan the Pirate? I've heard of you. You are a thief and a scoundrel."
Jordan protested, patting the King on the shoulder. "I've never stolen anything in my life."
The King felt his butt and almost leapt from his seat. "You stole my wallet!!"
Jordan returned the wallet with a smile. "Now you know how good a thief I am."
The King checked his wallet to make sure that nothing was missing. "I will not let you anywhere near my daughter. I need a hero to return her, not a puny little crook."
Jordan patted the King on the shoulder again. "Listen, your daughter was stolen and now you have to steal her back. You need a thief and I'm the best there is."
The King hated to agree, but the pint sized pirate was right. Plus nobody else had volunteered, so Jordan wasn’t the best hope, he was the only one. "Fine. My daughter is trapped on the island of Monster Lair. If you are able to bring her back, I'll grant you one wish. Now go, and good luck."
Jordan tipped his hat and smiled as he left. "You got nothing to worry about, pops."
The King’s Counsel smirked. "Take heart, your highness. Perhaps the Oggley Boggley monster will eat him instead."
The King nodded in agreement. "At least it isn't costing me anything. He didn't even ask for an advance."
The King frowned, felt his butt, and his face turned red. "My wallet is gone - JORDAN!!!"
So Jordan and his crew set sail from Selletoni Bay aboard their ship, The Bad Ship Scary Pop. They sailed for many days, but nothing interesting happened and everyone got pretty bored.
And then, they reached the island of Monster Lair!
Jordan stood on the bow and announced. "Be careful, men. We don't know what dangers we will face here."
Sid Cynical spoke up, drinking from a mug that was always half empty. "But the fact that the island is called Monster Lair is a pretty good clue, right?"
Jordan heroically leaped down to the beach and unsheathed his sabre. He then realized everyone else was still aboard the ship, cringing in fear.
Jordan waved for the cowardly crew to join him. "Following me into mortal danger is part of your job. It was even on the application form - Gawd!"
Jordan led his men through a forest of palm trees, watchful animals chattering everywhere. The perpetually whiney Lenny Whatever, stopped Jordan. "So how are we going to find this princess, or whatever?"
Jordan pointed to another man nearly completely covered in brown curly hair, YoDog. "Easy. YoDog is going to find her, pro noblem."
YoDog whined back. "I don't have a clue where the princess is."
Jordan was stunned. "I thought you said you were part bloodhound."
YoDog scratched his neck with his foot. "No, I said I was part wolfhound. I'm in charge of howling, remember? AROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
Jordan and the others covered their ears. "How could I forget?"
Lenny was still discouraged. "So, how do we find her or whatever?"
The rest of the crew barked and growled and made indistinguishable noises of discontent, preparing to mutiny. But before Jordan could answer them or wonder why he'd hired such bunch of girly pirates for a crew, a squeaky voice was heard.
"Help!! Help!! I'm over here!! I'm tied to a tree."
Jordan rushed up to a clearing where a beautiful girl was tied to a tree. "Hi, my name is Jordan. I'm here to rescue you.
The Princess looked down at her supposed hero. "Aren't you a little short for a pirate?"
Jordan threw back his chest and announced. "I'm Jordan the Pirate. And you are Princess ..."
"Wilamenia."
"Sweet! Nice to meet you, Princess Britney."
"I said I'm Princess Wilamenia!"
Jordan nodded. "That's what I said, Princess Britney."
So Jordan untied the princess and everyone rushed back to the ship.
Jordan smiled at Wilamenia. "Pretty neat rescue, huh?"
The princess swooned, possibly not sincerely. "My hero."
But then, the Oggley Boggley monster rose up out of the water. It was as big as a mountain, and uglier than a peanut butter and coleslaw sandwich.
The first of the men to spot the monster was also the biggest and strongest man aboard, someone who feared nothing at all - Mountain Fist Mike.
"Ohmygod, it's a dang MONSTER - AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The Oggley Boggley monster filled the sky, its huge open mouth full of stinky unwashed teeth. "YOU STOLE MY SUPPER!! NOW I'LL EAT YOU!!!"
But Jordan wasn't scared at all. "Hey, just chill out. We're more than willing to make a deal and ..."
The Oggley Boggley Monster interrupted. "And it's too late to give me back my supper. I'm still going to eat all of you!!"
Jordan considered that. "Okay, well then everybody ... PANIC!!!!"
The Oggley Boggley opened its huge mouth even wider and was about to eat the boat.
The princess grabbed Jordan. "Your rescue sucks, Shorty. Now what are we supposed to do?!?"
The quick witted pirate thought for a moment, then ordered the crew. "Quick, everybody! Grab those kegs of pepper and throw them into the monster's mouth!!"
Syd Cynical protested. “We’re supposed to sell that spice when we get back home!”
Jordan hollered. “Your next forwarding address is going to be right in that thing’s colon if you don’t start pitching – and put some pepper on it!!”
The frantic crew each grabbed a huge barrel of pepper and threw them all right into the monster's mouth.
The Oggley Boggley monster wrinkled its nose and began to gasp. "Ahh ... I'll ... sneeze ... atttt Chew!!!!!!"
The monster bellowed a terrible sneeze and blew the boat far across the sky.
Jordan hung onto the prow, the wind whipping his red hair. "Forget Disneyland, this ROCKS!!"
The crew crossed their fingers and chewed their nails as the ocean rose up to greet them. Their boat hit the water with a terrific splash, and after a dramatic moment, the Bad Ship Scary Pop rose up above the waves, safe and sound.
Jordan and his crew were alive, but now they were also lost.
Lenny was less than encouraged by their new surroundings. "How are we supposed to get home, or whatever?"
Syd Cynical had a suggestion. "Why don't we just pull over to a gas station and ask for directions?"
YoDog brightened at that. "When we get to the gas station, I want a root beer and a big bag of Milk Bones."
Lenny scoffed. "There's no such thing as a gas station or whatever."
YoDog thought about that. "What's a gas station?"
Syd smacked Lenny. "That's the place where they make idiots like you."
Lenny smacked back. "So where do they make monkeys like you, cause I gotta buncha bananas to spare!"
Mountain Fist Mike separated the scrapping crew members. "Hey, everybody settle down! Fighting won't solve anything."
Jordan sighed with relief. "I'm glad you guys can still see things reasonably. I was starting to get worried there for a moment."
Mountain Fist Mike pointed an enormous thumb at the tiny pirate. "It's Jordan's fault we're here anyways. You should all be beating up on him, instead."
Jordan saw his crew approach with swords in their fists, apparently no room on the ship to have packed any loyalty. He immediately turned to the Princess. "Well, I'm out of bright ideas. Please tell me you're more brains than buns."
The Princess grabbed Jordan's face and pointed it in the same direction as her finger. "Look up at the sky. Look at all the stars. My mother taught me a song about stars."
Jordan smiled weakly. "That's great, honey. A song would really brighten my spirits and go well with the mutiny, too. Do you need me to play the ukulele while we walk the plank to our deaths?"
Syd interrupted. "Nah, the plank would take too long. You two are walking the shoe horn."
But before anyone could act, a beautiful voice sang out.
"Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky. To get back home from where you are, just follow me, your angel star."
The men all stared at the Princess as she finished singing, wiping tears from their eyes. YoDog howled. "That was so beautiful."
Jordan frowned, grateful to still be aboard ship. "Angel Star?"
The Princess nodded. "Yes, look at that constellation. See the one that looks like an angel? That's the angel star."
The crew stared into the sky and responded in unison. "What the heck are you talking about?"
Jordan jumped up and down with excitement. "I can see it, it's pointing that way. Hey, it's pointing the way home! I saved us, I saved us!"
The Princess rolled her eyes. "Uh, hello? Little credit over here?"
Jordan spun the wheel and the ship reversed course to follow the angel star. The trip took many days, but nothing interesting happened and everyone got bored.
Then, they finally arrived home and everyone was safe!!
The crew cheered. "Yeah for Captain Jordan!!"
Jordan gestured to their guest for a little R.E.S.P.E.C.T. and the Princess reluctantly obliged. "Yeah, yeah, you rock or whatever."
Jordan swept the Princess into his arms. "Hey Pretty Face. Your father said that he would give me one wish. Will you marry me?"
The Princess smiled and kissed Jordan. "Of course I won't. Not until fudgicles get made in Heck."
Jordan was stunned. "But ... but ... but, that's probably not going to happen, right? So, why don't you want to marry me? I rock, remember?"
The Princess sighed like it was all so painfully obvious. "It's our family tradition that the guest of honour at the wedding is the person who brought the newlyweds together. And I am not going to have that awful Oggley Boggley monster at my wedding, Short Stuff."
Jordan laughed, holding up the king's wallet. "I'll see if your dad will fix the guest list for us. I bet he just can't wait to start calling me Sonny Boy."
The Princess reconsidered and winked. "You know, you're not as short as you look. Better start picking out a tuxedo, buster."
And so Jordan and the Princess were soon married, the Oggley Boggley missed the wedding, YoDog got his root beer and Milk Bones, and then everyone finally lived happily ever or whatever.
The End.
*** Thanks for reading my first submission to Smashwords. As I learn how to use this properly, I'll make more short stories available. The whole point is to provide stories for a very quick and convenient read (in a waiting room, on a coffee break, etc) to take away a little chunk of boredom and replace it with a laugh or two. My hope is that they will make great bedtime stories to be read by time crunched parents who would prefer a fifteen minute reading session rather than an hour plus reading them from a full book. Hopefully they come across as a combination of a comic strip and a video game where an adult can still enjoy what is mostly child orientated subject matter. As soon as I can, I'll have a website up for anyone interested in seeing more about my work, but for now the only place to get them is right here at Smashwords. I hope this story got you through what would've been a boring twenty minutes and was fun. To say hi, just email me at haleyb@shaw.ca or search for Brennan Haley on Facebook. The adventures of Jordan the Pirate, Pequenito, Solemn and the Ogrenaut, Jack the Giant, Jingle Bill and the Falalala Kid, and many others are hiding on my hard drive waiting to pop up on Smashwords and hopefully they find a good home on whatever gadget you're using to read with.