Zuyhtane
By Colin Henpets
Copyright © 2011 Colin Henpets
Smashwords Edition
* * * * *
By
Colin Henpets
“Uh-huh.” Zuyhtane-the-Unwise studied the cloned Earth technology one more time.
“So, if I hit that key.” The word ‘ENCUMBERED’ appeared and began flashing above Zuyhtane’s character in the MMORPG. This was at best a little late, Zuyhtane thought to himself, as he had already acquired one cartload of metal weapons and three cart loads of goldfish swim bladders two battles ago. The computer it seemed had finally decided that this was more than could be fit into the average pocketless tunic. Zuyhtane had thought that perhaps the first two cartloads of goldfish swim bladders might have fit into his character’s tights at least.
Maybe that was why the medieval knight now seemed to be waddling across the screen.
“Mother!” yelled Zuyhtane “I want a drink!” At three hundred and seventy-two years old, he was a mere youngster and needed someone to bow to his every whim. One day he planned to find an Earthling bride to do tasks like this for him, but he was too far away and too young at the moment for all those sort of things.
His Mother the sixteen foot high, twelve legged winged snot, arrived shortly with some refreshing super-cooled liquid nitrogen mixed with Letititroe DNA. The DNA tasted disgusting to Zuyhtane compared to the delicious liquid nitrogen, but his Mother said through one of her nine mouths that it was good for his digestive system, which Zuyhtane knew meant that he would be running to the toilet soon, which didn’t help as the toilets on this world were located on the ceiling and often had a habit of leaking downwards onto the floor where your good cream carpet was waiting to turn a different colour ever so quickly.
While he was thinking about this inconvenience, Zuyhtane didn’t notice that his computer desk was wobbly due to a mishap involving an action figure’s groin and a toffee hammer - which occurred in a rage after Zuyhtane’s Father told him he wasn’t allowed to stay up Headsbooking on his smartphone all night (the nights on Zetabiblax lasted for twelve Earth days in the Summer).
Placing his drink down on the wobbly desk, Zuyhtane inadvertedly set off a chain of events that would change his life forever. The drink spilled on the computer, there was a loud BANG! and behold, there stood the medieval knight from the game, real as the wart that prevented Zuyhtane’s Seventh Cousin from sitting on both cheeks for longer than eleven seconds at a time. The knight wore a breastplate over a red and gold tunic with matching red tights.
“Oh, um – hello” said Zuyhtane.
“Arrrrrggghhh!” yelled the medieval knight.
“ARRRRRGGGHHH!” bellowed Zuyhtane with all nine mouths on all three of his heads, believing he was partaking in an Earth ritual.
“Silence monster! What devilish name be thoust known by?”
“Zuyhtane, and – I’m not a monster, I’m a normal Zetabiblaxian being. Ah – how did you become real, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Becomest real?” the knight, scratched his helmet, and then realised – it must all be a joke. “A ha ha ha! You nearly had me there for a moment monster. No, clearly you are an illusion, a work of the devil himself. I am still sleeping.” The knight looked around at the alien landscape and tried to take it all in.
“Maybe I’m asleep too”, answered Zuyhtane, “if we are asleep, would you mind going for a walk?”
“I shall join you, but be wary – I shall strike you down if you try anything stupid.” replied the Knight.
“Great! Let’s go to the ice rink.” replied Zuyhtane.
“Wait!” shouted the Knight “What am I to do with the one cartload of weapons and three cartloads of goldfish swim bladders that I have accrued on my journey?”
“You can bring ‘em in your tights!” Zuyhtane yelled over one of his eight shoulders, he didn’t see that he had bumped into Enahtazie, his young admirer.
“Can I come with you, Zuyhtane? Can I, can I?”
“No, Enahtazie, you know that I like Earth girls.” replied Zuyhtane, and pushed her out of the way. Enahtazie began to cry – Dad had just gone to the toilet above where she was stood.
* * * * *
Sometime later, the unlikely pair of the knight and the alien were at the ice rink skating and having a good chat in which they were absolutely paying attention to each other and thinking about nothing else.
“I’ve never seen ice except up a mountain.” said the knight.
“Enahtazie wouldn’t fit in on Earth.” said Zuyhtane.
“I never go very far for an adventurer. It’s all the goldfish swim-bladders. They’re so heavy, and they don’t even have a use – I can’t swim any better with a goldfish’s bladder and I haven’t found a merchant who will buy them yet.” the knight went on.
“Earth girls are soft, and smell nice, and do nice things for you.” Zuyhtane continued.
“What’s that you say?” said the knight “Do nice things for you? Soft? You’ve never met Katerina the Warrior Woman. She once tried to chop my head off just because I said “Bless you.” twice when she sneezed and farted at the same time near a circle of candles in the Cathedral.
“Why’d she do that?” asked Zuyhtane.
“She said I shouldn’t have blessed the fart and then she could have blamed it on the Cathedral door being slightly too big for the frame which was letting a draught under it.”
“Should you have blessed the sneeze?” Zuyhtane enquired.
“Naturally, but she didn’t like that either. That’s another story. Now, this girl – Enahtazie – she really seems to like you.”
“So, should I go out with every girl just because she’s seventy five light years closer to home?” Zuyhtane questioned.
“It’d save on travel fares.” replied the knight “Just think of all the complications with a human girl. You couldn’t eat the same meal, her insides would freeze, she’d feel nauseous all the time around you…” the knight tried to sell his point.
“Because she was pregnant?” said Zuyhtane.
“No, because of the smell from your eighteen armpits.” the knight said as politely as possible “I’m feeling pretty queasy stood next to you.”
* * * * *
The knight continued explaining his reasons to go out with a local girl as they headed back to Zuyhtane’s bedroom and the waiting computer which Zuyhtane’s scientist Father had repaired and was ready to re-accept the knight’s data through a complex system of chemical and electronic data transfer.
“Okay”, said Zuyhtane, “You’ve persuaded me – I’m going to ask out the girl next door.”
The knight smiled as he prepared to re-enter the game world.
“You know what?” said Zuyhtane “I’m going to do you a favour – I’m going to buy your goldfish swim bladders.”
“What will you use them for?” the Knight asked.
“Pah!” said Zuyhtane.
“…and, what can you pay me in?” the Knight said as he started to fade into the computer screen.
“Lava beetle stomachs.” the knight heard Zuyhtane’s voice echo around the room as he re-entered the game world.
“Great!” shouted the knight, in reply.
About the Author
Colin Henpets was born in the North of England in 1981. He was first published in September 2011 with ‘S.T.E.V.Y.M and Other Stories’ a collection of varied stories from different genres. Colin is currently studying photography and has taken some time out from doing homework to write this story.