To Tell the Story of Them
Kate Holley
Copyright 2011 Kate Holley
Smashwords Edition
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Nora knew it was the end of her marriage as soon as she looked down at the two little pink lines on the stick. He would leave her for sure now. Two kids already, both surprises. Another would completely seal the deal.
Jake was a good man, but had demons he was trying desperately to put to rest. It seemed that about every eighteen months or so, those demons resurfaced in full force and left utter destruction in their wake. This last suicide attempt several weeks ago had resulted in Jake's longest stint in the paradise of padded walls, unbreakable mirrors, and caged windows. Nora had visited him in the hospital several times, but it was much harder this time without the support of family. Her parents had died years ago and his family was done with Jake's issues, leaving him and Nora to fend for themselves when it came to dealing with emotional crises.
Jake's bipolar disorder had proven notoriously hard to treat. He had taken courses of many different drug combinations with little success. Nora ran herself in circles trying to comprehend all of the facets of Jake's diagnoses, and even worse – the pain that he must go through.
Nora and Jake truly loved each other, but it seemed that they were constantly at odds with one another. Small differences in opinion had grown into rifts between them that had scarred their marriage and left it hanging precariously by a very thin thread. Arguments about everything from ideas on child rearing and appropriate discipline, to paying bills and how extra money should be spent had taken their toll.
~*~
Nora often found herself reminiscing of times when the tensions of life were not in the forefront of their relationship. When Nora and Jake first met, there was an instant, strong attraction. They had rarely left each other's side other than to go to work. By their second full month together they had jointly leased a two bedroom apartment were enjoying the high that new love brings. There were entire weekends spent in bed together, spontaneous weekend road trips out of state, long hikes in the park, and endless all night conversation. Both Jake and Nora agreed that they would marry, but never truly discussed a time frame for it.
~*~
Nora decided that telling Jake this morning's unexpected news right away was not the best idea. He was in such excellent spirits and really working towards recovering this time. The future seemed to hold a hint of hope that perhaps, finally, Jake could succeed at keeping his disorder at bay. News of this caliber would be devastating and completely throw him over the edge.
She eyed herself critically into the mirror.
"Thirty-two. Jesus... feels like fifty-two."
Two unplanned pregnancies, now three, and the subsequent fighting and stress had aged Nora both physically and emotionally. Nora inhaled deeply and cleared her mind. It was seven in the morning and Jake slept soundly in the dark bedroom on the other side of the bathroom door. Any minute their eldest son, Alex, would be bounding down the hallway to say good morning and climb into bed next to Nora for a few snuggles. Nora decided to make keeping her little secret as easy as possible and to get out of the house with the boys, for the day. She hoped leaving for a bit would lessen her feelings of guilt for not being completely upfront with her husband, and give her time to prepare for the storm that was sure to roll in once she disclosed another unplanned pregnancy.
"Jake won't even notice. He will probably relish having the house all to himself," she frowned as she tried to reassure herself.
Jake was completely immersed in pursuing the interests that his demanding career did not allow for. Nora was wholeheartedly supportive of his writing, his sculpting, his competitive sporting endeavors – honestly anything he wanted to pursue. Jake was one of those rare individuals who seemed to excel in all things that he attempted. His multiple geniuses were both a blessing and a curse. Tragically he never saw his accomplishments as enough and constantly berated himself for not achieving more: for not being the best. It broke Nora's heart to see the manic rise in his interest, the happiness of his pursuit, and then the inevitable defeated spirit and subsequent despair over his bitter distaste in his own work.
She was also secretly jealous: Nora could never finish anything she started. She was petrified of putting in mountains of effort only to be told that she simply was not good enough. To Nora, the obvious path of least resistance was not to even attempt it.
~*~
Nora briskly dressed and readied herself for the day. She could feel the familiar weight of anxiety as she thought back to those dark months six years ago. Both Jake and Nora had been devastated with the news of their first pregnancy. After only five months together ... they each felt completely trapped. Regardless, they married quietly at the county courthouse a few weeks after finding out the news. The all night conversations quickly turned to terse exchanges and eventual silence for a time. Several months passed before Jake or Nora felt at all at ease with their hasty union and headlong dive into parenting. After an uneventful pregnancy Alexander Nicholas Young was born in October – on his exact due date. Both Nora and Jake were completely enraptured with Alex from the moment he made his grand entrance into the world. He was the light of their lives and wholly made up for all of the worry, fear, and doubt that prefaced his arrival.
~*~
Nora's thoughts were interrupted by the rhythmic thumps of Alex's feet scurrying down the carpeted hallway. She grinned to herself. Alex had a special way about him: he emanated the cautious confidence of an adult, but with a child's ability to see truth. His perspective was so real and fresh – it was truly beautiful to Nora. As Alex slipped happily into the bedroom, Nora put her finger up to her mouth indicating for him to be quiet because Daddy was sleeping. He nodded his understanding and tiptoed over to her in front of her cherry dresser. He smiled his trademark angelic smile; the one that made his eyes appear as tiny slits across his face, and reached up to her. Though he was five, she could still hoist him up to her hip for hugs and kisses.
"I missed you, Love," Alex whispered seriously.
"I missed you too, Love," Nora said as she gave him a tight squeeze.. "Let's go have breakfast and get you dressed as fast as we can!" Nora whispered in his ear. "After I get James dressed and fed, we can head straight to the museum. If we hurry, we will get there right as it opens and be first in line to see the dinosaurs this morning!" To that, Alex's eyes widened and he let out a tiny squeal of glee, then quickly covered his mouth.
"Sorry, Love. I just get too excited!"
"It's okay babe, let's go downstairs," Nora replied as she gently ushered him out of the bedroom.
Downstairs she poured a bowl of cereal and set it on the table for Alex.
"I'm going to go give James his breakfast. As soon as you finish, come upstairs to get dressed and we can go see those dinos!" Nora instructed as she poured the baby's milk. Alex nodded and eagerly crunched on his cereal while swinging his feet from his dining room table chair.
~*~
James Charles Young had been born five weeks premature, after an extremely stressful pregnancy. He spent a few extra weeks in the hospital to get him closer to his projected due date. Breathing complications, coupled with a severe case of jaundice, had plagued James and caused the delay in his homecoming. Nora and Jake pulled close and clung to each other while their sweet James recovered. The constant need to have one of them at the hospital, and one at home with Alex proved to both Nora and Jake that they were, in fact, fighting for the same team. During the long hours at the hospital by James' side, Nora had agonized that the stress from the fighting that had resurfaced during her second pregnancy had caused his prematurity.
Jake had been adamant that there would be no more children, and Nora agreed – though halfheartedly. Though he loved Alex and James, Nora knew that Jake blamed her for the conception of both of their boys and held it against her. Nora had not-so-secretly longed for a daughter, and was crushed when Jake put his foot down about not adding to their family. But she knew that it was for the best – the footing of their marriage was slippery, at best, and any small set back threatened to rip it completely apart.
~*~
Upstairs, Nora greeted James – her sweet baby James. James was just over one year old and was both as sweet and loving, and as loud and defiant as they came. He seemed the polar opposite of his older brother. While Alex was a sensitive observer, James was a hell-on-wheels wrecking ball. He would defiantly smile while tearing apart a play room that Nora had just spent an hour meticulously tidying.
"It's a good thing that he's so damned cute," Nora often thought, while shaking her head at his latest antics.
Nora scooped him up and noticed that he had wet through his footed sleeper.
"Pee-yew! Someone is all wet and stinky," she jested with the baby. James squealed loudly and smiled so big that Nora could see all eight of his little teeth. Nora had James completely changed and dressed, and was feeding him as Alex hopped into the room.
"Okay, Big Man, you know what to do," she said, alluding to his morning routine.
"I know – pee in the potty, get dressed, brush my teeth and comb my hair. I know. Will you help me with my shoes then, Mama?" Alex inquired sheepishly.
"Doesn't Mama help you with your shoes everyday, honey?"
"Yes Ma'am."
"Okay, let's get moving so we can be the first ones there!" Nora said as Alex dashed out the door.
By the time Nora finished feeding James, Alex was completely dressed and showing off his combed hair while bragging about the fact that he had absolutely no toothpaste on his new shirt. The trio made their way down the stairs and Nora quickly scrawled a note explaining their excursion and hasty departure. She felt a sudden pang of guilt as she looked back upstairs at her bedroom door. Jake was starting to stir. She again rationalized that she couldn't tell him right now – it would be too serious of a set back in his recovery. At this thought, she pushed James higher up on her hip, grabbed her diaper bag, and the threesome hit the door.
Nora quickly strapped both boys into their respective seats and started the car. As she backed the family's silver sedan down the driveway, and watched the garage door go down, she felt a strong wave of nausea.
"Yep, about six weeks along ... right on cue," she thought.
Nora debated running in the house quickly to grab some crackers, and even took off her belt and put the car in park. She shot a quick glance up at the clouds darkening in the sky and decided against it.
"Please don't rain," she silently begged the threatening sky. "At least not until we are in the museum. I really don't want to trek in the rain with that clunky stroller."
With fingers crossed for the weather to hold out she resumed backing out of the drive.
"We're on our way! Watch out dinosaurs, here we come!" Nora crowed from the front seat. Alex beamed and let out an excited cheer. James squealed in delight. Nora put the car in drive and they were gone.
* * * *
Jake pressed the buttons on his keyboard to save his work. This project was taking so much out of him. Every piece left its mark on him, and came with an emotional cost, but this one was much more personal. He stretched his arms out in front of himself and rolled his head in circles to loosen his neck. Jake closed his eyes, and rubbed his temples, while slowly exhaling trying to recapture the sense of calm that he had felt when he sat down to write this morning. Usually the mornings were exceptionally rough. Jake's night time medication left him in a groggy haze for about an hour after rising. He pushed his chair back and stared blankly past his large mahogany desk – the one Nora had insisted that he did not need – to the cul-de-sac outside the window. It was late October and the view from the second floor was rapidly changing to the reds, oranges, and golds of fall.
Jake had often entertained the idea of leaving the all too fast-paced world of business. It seemed to be an appropriate time for change, with him already away from work on leave due to the recent events. He had always enjoyed writing and the catharsis that occurred with putting part of himself, no matter how miniscule, in each piece that he created. With everything that had happened, Jake had been focusing on the things that actually brought him some measure of peace – not solely obligations and work. His high-paying finance job had garnered more than enough money to sustain his lifestyle for at least a year and a half. Perhaps even two if the proverbial belt was tightened a notch or two. Besides, he could do some freelance consulting if the need arose in the future.
Jake's thoughts were again pulled to the window. It always broke his concentration. He felt the first uneasy twinge of fear and started practicing the breathing exercise that his therapist had suggested to alleviate his panic attacks. The twinge was rapidly growing and caused Jake to grip the arm rests of his desk chair so tightly that his knuckles turned white. Jake jammed his eye lids closed and shook his head – as if the action would shake their faces from his mind. He opened his eyes and felt the familiar warm sting of tears already streaming down his hot, flushed cheeks.
"Dammit! Not again," he cursed. "It's too early to take a pill ... I won't get any work done!"
His therapist had advised him to stop writing on his current draft. It just didn't seem wise to open up those flood gates of raw emotion. It had, after all, only been nine months since their deaths.
"You don't understand," he had protested vehemently, "I owe it to them! I owe it to her to tell our story!"
The tears continued to fall in an endless succession. Jake couldn't stop himself – he quickly snapped his head up and gazed, wide-eyed and momentarily crazed with grief, at the circle of asphalt outside of his home. As his expression softened, he could not quell the cries that came from his mouth. He had thought that, as the months passed, time would slightly lessen his pain; that it would feel less raw and uncontrollable. He allowed himself to grieve, yet, he could still feel the same burning pit in his stomach. He could hear the same primal urgency in his uncontrolled sobs. None of the pain had been lessened. Most days Jake was able to thwart his panic attacks until the evening, when it was painfully clear that they were not just out of the house for the day. Some days though, he spent the day's entirety trapped in the vice of despair that comes with complete and utter loss.
"It's the last place I saw them," Jake desperately wailed. "She backed the car out, paused, then continued out of the driveway," Jake recited the events. It was as if their utterance, one more time, could change the outcome. He remembered seeing all three of them right before Nora had put the car into drive. He remembered every single detail and played the reel over and over again in his mind. Nora throwing her head back and her lips moving with a big grin on her face as she said something to the boys. Jake remembered seeing the absolute joy on Alex's face in response to Nora's words, and the smile that was so encompassing that it crinkled his little eyes into tiny slits. Jake remembered James' little arms lifting to the air, as they always did when he belted out his delightful squeal of approval. He longed to hear that squeal – to hear it one more time.
Jake remembered everything.
He recalled speaking to the State Highway Patrol late that morning informing him of the accident and requesting his presence at the hospital to make the identifications. He remembered the funeral and how the sun's rays could not warm him on that cold January morning. Jake took a shaky breath and slumped down in his desk chair. He tried to stop the tears, but it was futile. He was haunted by every second that had passed since the accident. Entire days spent sitting on Alex's bed amongst his stuffed animals, staring unblinking, at James' crib while clinging to his baby's lovey. It was slowly losing James' scent. The nights spent laying in their bed, gripping Nora's pillow. Trying desperately to feel her warm body in the hollow spaces of his own.
The weeks that followed the accident were crushing and almost killed Jake. He had picked up every toy car left on the pretend race track, every block that had been strewn on the floor, and every cast down crayon. He arranged Alex and James' room perfectly – the way Nora would have done it. He put away all of the folded laundry that Nora had not gotten around to yet. He took extra care in arranging all of her perfumes, moisturizers, and other delicate items. He recalled how he had, for a fleeting moment, thought that she would be so pleased at his meticulousness. He had spent weeks cleaning the entire house from top to bottom. And then it was just him – alone in the silence.
Jake felt an involuntary shudder rake through his body. The hot, salty tears again started to fall fast. Jake resisted the overwhelming urge to curl up on the floor of his office in a little ball. The only thing that kept him in his chair was his transfixed gaze at the landscape in front of the house.
"It's been nine months, two weeks, and two days," he silently agonized, "The baby would have been born by now."
In all of his fervent cleaning, Jake had stumbled across a pregnancy test under Nora's sink in the double vanity of their bathroom. Following the tradition of her two prior pregnancies, Nora had written the date on the testing stick in black marker.
"January 8, 2011," Jake whispered.
The day of the accident.
Jake tried to pull in a deep breath, but the knot in his throat got in the way. He knew why she didn't wake him to tell him that morning. He lowered his head and felt the shame wash over his body. He thought of conversations that they had abandoned in anger long ago. Nora had always wanted a baby girl and joked once that they should keep trying for one until they got lucky. To Jake, this was unacceptable, and even joking about it was an insult. There were to be no more children – period. He had screamed that the ones they already had were her fault and that he couldn't – and wouldn't – go through it again. He had drawn the line in the sand. He flat out told Nora that a third child would completely and utterly destroy any shred of trust that remained between the two of them, and would result in him leaving. He had added for extra effect that the only contact he would ever want with her, from that point on, was writing her name on the monthly child support check.
He knew that he had deeply hurt her, and that his words left her heartbroken. As trite as it sounded, Jake knew that he would take it all back – every single stinging word that he had said, every accusation that he had made, every hoop that he had made her jump through; if only he could have her back. Have them all back.
"Just give them back to me."
Jake's eyes stung and were severely swollen. He got up, went to the bathroom, and splashed some cold water on his face. He looked hard at his reflection. He could not stand the sight of himself. He turned sharply from the broken man in the mirror trudged the path back to his office. He thought of his unborn child. Jake imagined the baby as a girl – she would have been just what Nora had wanted. He had even named her. Rose – after Nora's favorite flower. Whenever Jake visited Nora and the boys' graves he always left a single white rose for each of them. No one had known of her existence, other than Nora, but he wanted for her to be remembered – even if it was only by him. Jake felt that he owed his daughter that much.
It was this need for remembrance that had led Jake to start writing about his family. He had scrapped several drafts that, in the end, just did not feel right to him. While staring out of his office window one evening a few months ago, the idea had occurred to him: write his story ... their story ... from her perspective. It just felt right for Nora to tell the story of them.
Jake moved his mouse, and his draft popped back into view with the cursor blinking. His grief seemed to ebb slightly and be pushed back down just enough that, perhaps, he could focus for a short while longer. Jake was finally able to slowly suck in a long breath, and he scrolled to the top of the document. He stretched his arms out in front of himself and again rolled his head in circles. He stole one last glance out of his window, and decided that perhaps it was best to shut the blinds today. Jake gingerly rubbed his temples and started to read.
"Nora knew it was the end of her marriage as soon as she looked down at the two little pink lines on the stick...."