Strippers And Stockings (Ed The Elf #1)
Laura Fantasia.
Smashwords Edition.
Copyright 2011 Lunatic Ink Publishing (Founded by Kenneth Guthrie).
“Edward Hendricks, I hereby promote you to Supervisor Level 3,” old Poo Shanks, Ed’s manager and boss of the small manufacturing plant, said.
All of Ed’s practiced speech went out the window. He knew that one of the five elves standing next to him could have gotten the promotion today. They had all worked hard over the past seven Christmases. Anyone of them would have been a good pick for the position. Ed was just glad that it was him.
Poo Shanks ignored Ed’s obvious enthusiasm and pointed to the others with his long crooked index finger.
“You four may leave. I hope you will work harder in the future if you wish to rise as this elf has today.”
The others gave Ed angry looks and then bowed their heads in shame. He would not be welcome around the milk and cookies stand for a few days until he was forgiven, but it was always that way with promotions in The Great Santa Corporation.
Poo Shanks shuffled some papers on his desk.
“You will be happy to know that I have an assignment for you,” he intoned.
Ed’s little eyebrow rose. Already?
“We have some guests coming in from the Polish branch today.”
“What sort of guests, sir?”
Poo Shanks picked up the stapler from the desk and casually biffed it Ed’s way. The small nimble elf side stepped it, but Shanks had used a little magic on the steel plated stapler and it knocked off a invisible wall to leave a nasty dent in the back of Ed’s head.
“Ouch!”
Poo laughed as Ed leaned over and held his head.
“That will teach you for being impatient. Now, listen carefully.”
Poo Shanks adjusted his suit. He was fluffing himself up, which meant that Ed was going to get one of his little speeches as well as his marching orders.
“You are to pick them up at the Santa International Airport by 5pm and get them back here by 8pm. If you fail in this mission, you will be demoted.”
“DEMOTED?” Ed squeaked.
“Yes.”
The stapler flew up from the ground behind Ed and hit him in the back of the head again.
“I will see you at 8pm.”
Ed looked at the clock. It was 3:30pm. The airport was over 2 hours away. He was going to be late!
Sprinting for the door, Ed could hear Poo Shanks’ laughter as he ran down the hallway. The bastard had probably set him up for this. Maybe, Ed was going to be welcome around the cookie stand sooner than he thought.
Ed raced into the huge airport and found it crowded to the limit with elves of all kinds.
Running past tour groups here to see The Great Santa Corporation’s headquarters and perhaps catch a glance of the man himself, Ed made it to the exit gate for all sleigh flights heading into the North Pole. The Poles were nowhere to be seen.
“Have you seen a bunch of Polish business elves anywhere?” he asked the service person.
She shook her head and went back to working on her computer.
Ed looked around. There were dozens of business elves in their greenish suits and little black boots, but everyone had the white skinned look of people from the continent.
Someone pulled on his pants leg. Ed looked down to see a small child with sharp features and red hair parted in the center.
“I heard you are looking for a group of Poles. I might know where they are.”
Ed smiled. What luck! The elf had come to save him.
“Quickly, child. Where can I find them?”
The elf child smirked at him.
“$50.”
“What?”
“Pay me $50 and I’ll tell you where you can find them.”
Ed noted the greasiness of the child’s hands and hair. This kid was probably one of the street hooligans that roamed the big city.
“You have to be kidding me.”
“Afraid not.”
Ed looked over to the woman behind the desk who was firmly ignoring the situation. He noticed that she had red hair as well.
Great a family scam, he thought.
He pulled out his big green purse and dropped $50 into the waiting hands of the small boy.
“Thanks so much. They came in through gate number 2 and left via exit 5.”
Ed immediately sprinted back the way he had come. That exit was just next to the grand entrance with its Christmas light display. If he could make it in time then he might find the Poles before they got a taxi into town.
He sped by tour groups, sports teams and all manner of other types of tourist on his way to the exit.
Ed couldn’t help but think about what Poo Shanks would do and say to him if the Polish elves turned up without an escort. It would not be a good look for the corporation or for either of them. He remembered last week when he had spilled some coffee on some documents and accidentally given one that had a small stain on the side to Shanks. The multihour yelling at had not been pleasant.
Ed got through the exit in record time and looked around.
Nothing. There were old people, honeymooners and children, but the elves he wanted were not out here.
Ed ran down the taxi rink looking in the cabs. If he couldn’t find the Poles before they set out then he was going to be in massive trouble.
He came to the end just as a large mini-van pulled out.
“STOP!”
The Poles were inside laughing and chatting away.
The driver looked back at him as he pulled out and gave him the ‘too full’ sign.
Ed raced down the road after the taxi. He just wasn’t fast enough. The van sped off down the snow lined road and disappeared onto the ramp up to the 67th Santa Highway.
“You need a lift?”
An elf on a motorcycle with the words ‘fast taxi’ on the side pulled up beside him.
Ed jumped up behind the elf and the chase was on.
The caught up to the van as it pulled off the highway.
“Oh, shit!”
The van was going towards the red light district. Elf whores, reindeer strippers and even a few humans (if you liked that kind of thing) were plentiful in that area. The Poles were dumping work to go play. Ed would be fired if they turned up to the meeting after going to a place like this.
He looked down at his watch. Only 2 hours left. He was in real trouble.
*****
‘The Pink Titty Twister’. Ed watched as the Poles went inside. This was the filthiest establishment in all of the North Pole cities. They had all the races and a few other things from other worlds that Ed had no idea why anyone would want to look at.
The poster outside said ‘Angel Night’. Ed noted that someone had done a poor job of photoshopping wings onto a passable looking elf female.
“I need to get in,” Ed proclaimed pulling out his Santa’s Worker Badge.
The human on the door laughed.
“So does everyone else, shrimp.”
He pointed at the sign.
“No underage entrance. You’re badge says you are only 120 years old. 121 is the lower limit.”
Ed squinted at the sign. It did say 121.
He growled. Was being 1 year to young going to stop him from keeping his promotion.
Ed pulled out a half dozen bills.
“Come on. Look. I have money.”
The human eyed the money and then took a few notes.
“I’m still not letting you in.”
“Eh? But you just…”
The human clenched his fists. Ed realized that it was time to go before the human decided to crush him with his huge body – humans were prone to that he heard.
“I’ll be back.”
The human laughed and shooed him off.
Ed walked down the road a little. When he had been very young – only 50 years old – he had snuck into this very same strip joint. He wondered if it wasn’t time to reenact that daring entrance.
Walking down the alleyway just beside a pawn store that was next to the strip joint, he found the small window that he had used last time to get in.
This was going to be tricky. The window was 2 meters up the wall and Ed wasn’t the tallest of Elves. He wouldn’t be able to get up to the window by just reaching. He was going to have to balance on some of the debris in the alleyway if he wanted to get up top.
Ed stacked a few small steel trash cans that the club used to dispose of bottles on top of each other.
“That should do it,” he said to himself in pride at his careful balancing work.
He climbed up to the top carefully. The bins were wobbling about like crazy and he was having a very hard time balancing.
Ed got about half way when the bins toppled down. Glass smashed and the top bin fell to the ground in a shower of broken glass.
There was the sound of running footsteps from the other end of the alleyway Ed quickly righted the bins and ducked behind them into a pile of trash.
The human bouncer from the door stalked into the alley.
Ed held his breath. He was already imagining what those big arms could do to him.
Coming to a halt in front of Ed, the human picked up the broken bottle from the ground.
A dog barked nearby.
“Must have been one of those damn mutts again.”
Ed breathed a sigh of relief as the human walked back to the front of the alley and left. He wouldn’t have any second chances at this.
Putting the bin back on top, he started to climb once more. This time he made it to the top and was able to get his hands up to the window sill.
Ed pushed on the window and opened easily. It was probably too high for the elf staff to get at inside, so they didn’t bother to check it regularly.
He pulled himself through and into the little store room on the other side. There were boxes of alcohol everywhere and a few bits and pieces of bondage gear and other equipment that looked good for providing pain to their receivers.
Ed went to the door and stuck his head out. The club was jam packed with elves, even though it was barely past 6:30pm in the evening. He noted a group of five elves in rather stiff looking green business suits sitting in the corner.
“Damn it.”
The elves were partying with a few reindeer strippers. This wasn’t good.
He pushed his way through the crowd and strode up to the Poles.
“Excuse me. I’m Ed Hendricks. I was supposed to pick you up at the airport.”
One of the Elves laughed and pointed at Ed’s pants. He looked down to see a banana skin hanging off the front.
The reindeer strippers laughed and stroked their fur covered stomachs. Ed blushed in embarrassment and quickly peeled off the banana skin.
“You have to come with me. The meeting is in less than 1 hour.”
The Poles just laughed and yelled something to him in Polish.
“Do any of you speak English?”
They just kept on chatting away at him. Ed’s heart sunk. They couldn’t speak English, which meant that they couldn’t communicate with him at all. If so, Ed was going to have a hard time getting them to leave.
He tried to grab the hand of the closest one to him. The elf gave him an angry look and pushed away his hand.
A young elf female in angel wings came over. Ed noticed she was the elf from the poster outside.
“Is there a problem here?”
She set a tray of shots on the table and turned to confront Ed.
He couldn’t help but look down at her large unclothed chest.
“Um…”
“I thought so. Are you buying, stud, or just browsing?”
He gulped. He was only 120 years old, which meant that he couldn’t legally do anything with elf females. Hence, he had little experience with the opposite sex beyond the occasional date. Having a half naked elf in front of him made him rather warm and rather uncomfortable all at the same time.
“Can I see your badge?” she asked when he didn’t answer.
Ed cringed. She would call the bouncers and he would get a beating just like last time if he showed her his badge.
“It’s in my other pants.”
The elf gave him a look.
Ed had had enough. If he stayed here any longer then he was going to be in real trouble when the elf started to ask questions that might lead to the human bouncer being called and him getting crushed.
He turned and ran for the toilets. There was nothing else he could think to do.
Inside he breathed hard. The elf had given him a funny look. She would probably call the bouncers soon and he would be out on his ass in no time at all.
Ed was up against the wall. He was going to have to figure out how to get the elves out of the club and to the meeting right away; otherwise, he was going to be in Poo’s office accepting more than a demotion. Ed doubted he could get another job in this employment climate.
There was a knock on the door.
“Please come out, sir. We have some questions we would like to ask you.”
It was the human bouncer.
Ed’s heart started to beat hard in his chest. There were always stories in the tabloids of elves being crushed by humans during Santa’s deliveries. Ed didn’t want to become a statistic.
He looked around the room. The red fire alarm switch caught his eye.
If he was going to be crushed then he was going to cause as much shit as he could before he met his end. With more courage than he thought he possessed, Ed went over and used his elbow to break the glass.
He looked at the switch for a moment then pulled it down. Immediately the sprinklers in the toilet started to pour out water and the club filled with the sound of the fire alarm ringing away.
Ed could hear screaming from outside in the club. The knocking stopped at the door as the bouncer went to manage the flood of elves that were no doubt trying to escape before the place burnt down.
Running to the door, he ducked his head out and saw that the coast was clear.
Ed rushed outside and saw the Poles heading for the door with rather worried looks on their faces.
“Hey! It’s him!”the elf female from before yelled out.
Two bouncers standing nearby turned and gave Ed an angry look. They probably could guess who pulled the fire alarm.
“Get him!”
The stripper leapt at him.
Ed squealed as she caught him in a rough bear hug. Her breasts were crushed up against his chest and his face was only inches from hers.
“Let me go!”
The bouncers were pushing through the crowd towards Ed.
“No chance, loser,” she said gritting her teeth and squeezing.
Ed was in a difficult situation. On the one side he was really enjoying having a female this close, on the other he knew the poles were escaping.
He made his choice.
Leaning forward, he kissed the elf hard on the lips. They were soft and the touch only lasted for one second until she pushed him away roughly and brought her hand up to her lips.
“You bastard.”
Ed chuckled and ducked under the grabbing hands of the bouncer who was trying to grab him.
“Sorry,” he yelled running for the door.
If there was one good thing about a boss that liked to throw things, it was being good at avoiding getting hit. Ed slipped past the hands of the bouncers and staff that tried to grab at him and slipped outside.
“It’s you!”
Ed and the human stared at each other.
“Shit!”
The human grabbed him by the arm and dragged him up into the air.
“You have caused us a lot of problems today, elf.”
Ed’s eyes rolled upwards in fear. This beast was going to tear him apart, he just knew it.
A flying bottle hit the man in the head and his eyes rolled up in his head.
“What –!“
Ed looked behind him as he fell to the ground. The Poles were standing near the alley that he had used to enter the club.
“Come on, Ed Hendricks! We’re late for our meeting.”
Ed stared in shock. The one that he had tried to pull out of the club before spoke perfect English, not even a hint of an accent.
The taxi van from before skidded around the corner and pulled up next to the Poles. Ed rushed over and jumped inside as the angry stripper and her bouncer friends rushed out of the club.
Ed breathed fully for the first time in a minute. He had made it.
“So you were late because you were in a strip club with the Polish team?”
“Yes, sir. It wasn’t my fault.”
The stapler hit him in the back of the head for the fifth time in their little conversation.
Poo Shanks gave him one of his ‘you’re in deep shit’ looks and shuffled his papers a bit.
“One month’s pay.”
Ed looked up from where he was staring at the floor.
“Just a month, sir.”
The stapler cracked against his head once more.
“Sorry, sir.”
“You are lucky that the Poles are very happy with you. If they had not spoken so highly of you then I would have had to let you go.”
Ed’s eyebrows went straight up in surprise. They had ‘spoken highly of him’?
“You may go.”
Ed left the office with a sense of wonder. He had avoided getting fired and only lost one month’s pay in the process. Today really was his lucky day.
He strolled over to his desk. There was a note there.
“Ah, shit.”
PARTY AT MIDNIGHT.
There was a phone number and an address. Ed groaned. How did he get himself into these sorts of situations?
He picked up the note and pocketed it. He’d go. It was best not to be rude to foreign visitors after all..
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM LUNATIC INK PUBLISHING
Dear Reader,
Thank you so much for reading Laura’s lovely series about Ed the Elf. We really appreciate you for purchasing this book and for supporting Laura and Lunatic Ink Publishing.
As a Christmas present to you, we have managed to convince one of our author partners, Kenneth Guthrie, to include his ‘Kill Box’ collection of short stories for free in this file. It begins after this message.
We hope that you will have a lovely Christmas with lots of good cheer!
Yours sincerely,
The Lunatic Ink Publishing Team.
COLLECTION CONTENTS
Bad guys vs. Good guys in an all out fight to the death with a twist.
Eating with Sinth can get you killed.
SKIP TO TANK 1 (AKA TANK NUCLEAR)
Cyborg mercenary Tank in a mission to blow up a factory that goes very wrong.
SKIP TO BODY COUNTER (AKA HIRED #1)
Frank is up to day 29 in Iraq. Can he make day 30?
SKIP TO TREASURE HUNTER (PIRATES #1)
Fence hates 3Eyes and now he must die!
SKIP TO LEFT BEHIND (QUEST #1)
Big trouble awaits Murk in the quest of a life time!
SKIP TO BLOOD MANOR (UNCIVILIZED #1)
Joe’s biggest fight ever in this hard hitting story.
Skip to THE SHOP (FAST FOOD EDDY #1)
Fast food was never this funny. Eddy creates Havoc on the hardest run of his life. (Contains profanity for your entertainment.)
Frank Miller wasn’t having a good day. Today the author had decided that he was going to drag all of his best ‘real world or somewhat real world’ characters out for a good old beating. Now here he was up against this monster with its red steaming eye and massive gun.
Frank detached the clip and slipped behind the small broken stone wall. This little foggy village was starting to piss him off. Where did the writer get these freaks?
There was a scratching sound from up above. Frank peaked up.
“Blood Mary.”
The world was suddenly a sea of blood dripping from the sky through the mist.
“Fuck me.”
A slim powerful looking shape stood up on top the roof of a small building staring down angrily at the red eyed man.
Frank looked down at the blood clinging to his legs stopping his movement. He could only think of one response to such an occurrence: Scream and try to run.
“Devastate!”
The blood welled up and everything went dark for a moment.
Frank screamed in the darkness as the sticky red liquid pressed up against him.
A hand pressed down on his shoulder.
“You should run.”
Frank opened his eyes to the world at the sound of the calm voice above him. A slim well dressed man with an eye patch that seemed like it wasn’t there stood in the pool of blood as it reformed into something long and slender in the man’s hand.
A big monster of a creature stepped out from inside the building.
“He’s not dead yet, Sin.”
“I know.”
That was enough for Frank. He got to his feet and slogged through the blood as it flowed away from him. As he was running he noticed a red covered hand pushing up from the bloody mess.
“Shit, shit, shit.”
He had been satisfied doing mail jobs or getting nearly killed by terrorists. This was too much.
He raced full speed to a big building in the distance. It turned out to be a church.
Frank sprinted faster towards it. It wasn’t that far. Something slipped out and grabbed him.
A grinning face head butted him to the ground.
“Repent.”
The voice was sinister beyond belief.
“Shit…”
Frank skittered backwards and brought up his M16. There was a moment as the grinning face filled his sights then he pulled the trigger.
Nothing came out. He realized too late that he hadn’t put another clip in before. He watched as the man standing over him pulled out a long knife and advanced.
CRACK.
Something pinged off the knife. Frank looked around. Where had that come from?
Another shell landed between the crazed man’s legs.
The man looked from the ground to Frank.
“Next time then, soldier.”
The man walked away calmly and disappeared into a building totally uncaring about the sniper.
Frank didn’t know what had just happened, but he wanted to live and someone or something had made that possible.
He stood up and stumbled the remaining distance to the church.
The door opened as he ran towards it and a short man greeted him with a spread hand.
“You picked the wrong place to hide, American. We need to get out of here.”
Frank caught a glimpse of what was slowly heading towards the man and decided that he was right.
A big breasted zombie with a necklace that said ‘Lisa’ in blood covered gold swept forward to grab the short man.
A bullet shot through her back and another man appeared.
“Run for it.”
The three of them raced down the small street in the middle of the village. Gun fire suddenly erupted from either side of the street.
Shit the terrorists!
The small man went down and the other man grabbed him to drag him into a nearby building.
Frank ran on as fast as he could. There was no way he was stopping for anything in this kill box.
He came to an intersection. Someone was standing in the middle of it.
Frank approached carefully.
“Friend or foe?”
The human shape turned and started walking slowly towards him. Frank noticed that there was something wrong with the way that it walked. It was too graceful.
A thing out of Frank’s nightmares shot out of the mist with a sharp bloody sword clutched in its grip. Frank backpedalled but tripped over something on the road hidden in the mist.
He looked down to see piles of human heads littering the ground.
SCREAMING.
His own voice ripped raw as the beast brought its weapon down towards Frank’s chest.
“Hold, Elf.”
The creature’s head jerked to the side. Frank caught an image of an enraged animalistic face with glowing reddish eyes.
A tall blond man in shining silver armor stood with his sword at the ready.
The elf with its dark flecked skin screamed and raced the man. They clanged together in a ferocious meeting of steel. Frank stared on as a massive fight erupted between the two right in front of him.
“Come on. He won’t last long.”
Strange too small hands gripped his shoulders and dragged him away.
Frank was pulled into a building.
“That was too…”
The face that greeted him was just wrong. The creature had pointy ears and was half his height.
“A FUCKING ALIEN!”
The creature laughed.
“I’m a goblin, moron.”
“A goblin?”
“He is.”
A new voice entered the fray.
Frank screamed like a little girl this time, or so he thought on hearing the sound. The man was completely covered in blood red armor that wasn’t painted red, but dripping with blood.
The man chuckled and took off his helmet. It didn’t make things any better.
“We have to keep going.”