PAGES FROM A NOT YET LOST DIARY:
A SELECTION
Anindya Basu
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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PUBLISHED BY:
Anindya Basu on Smashwords
Pages From A Not Yet Lost Diary: A Selection
Copyright © 2012 by Anindya Basu
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
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Writer’s Note
This is a selection from my book ‘The Final War – Version 4.0’.
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PAGES FROM A NOT YET LOST DIARY:
A SELECTION
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The Ten Principles Of Morality
Or
The Ten Facts Of Life
Or
The Ten Laws Of Decency
(Opening page of the great Indian epic – Say Yes To Male Nudity, Say No To Female Nudity)
(A) A little boy’s penis is the funniest thing in the whole world.
(B) A big man’s penis is the second funniest thing in the whole world.
(C) A big man’s buttocks are the third funniest thing in the whole world.
(D) A little boy’s buttocks are the fourth funniest thing in the whole world.
(E) A big woman’s pubes is the most obscene, lewd, vulgar, dirty, indecent (+ 95 other adjectives) thing in the whole world.
(F) A little girl’s pubes is the second most obscene, lewd, vulgar, dirty, indecent (+ 95 other adjectives) thing in the whole world.
(G) A big woman’s breasts are the third most obscene, lewd, vulgar, dirty, indecent (+ 95 other adjectives) thing in the whole world.
(H) A little girl’s breasts are the fourth most obscene, lewd, vulgar, dirty, indecent (+ 95 other adjectives) thing in the whole world.
(I )A big woman’s buttocks are the fifth most obscene, lewd, vulgar, dirty, indecent (+ 95 other adjectives) thing in the whole world.
(J) A little girl’s buttocks are the sixth most obscene, lewd, vulgar, dirty, indecent (+ 95 other adjectives) thing in the whole world.
Question: Is it possible to have a Bollywood blockbuster based on this epic?
Yes, yes, we know only the opening page.
Still you know, morning shows the day.
Aeroplanes all over the world will zoom into India.
Containing girls and women, packed like sardines.
Incidentally: The payments will be as follows –
Senior Hero – Rs. 100
Junior Hero – Rs. 10
Senior Heroine – Rs. 10,000,000
Junior Heroine – Rs. 1000,000
What should be the name of the film?
(1) Khul Ja Sim Sim Ek, Par Sim Sim Do Kabhi Nahi Khule, Samjhe (Hindi Ver.)
(2) Open Sesame One, Don’t You Dare Open Sesame Two (English Ver.)
(3) Chiching Ak Phank, Ei Chiching Dui Phank Jano Akdom Na Hoye (Bengali Ver.)
*****
Little Penis Dear Little Penis
A little boy should not wear an undy below his halfpant. Because
(A) The penis gets hot when kept for a long time under the undy.
(B) The penis cannot grow properly, being restricted inside the undy.
(C) His mother/sister should not be impeded from caressing his penis.
(D) A crow may fly away with his undy.
(E) Sometimes, the penis should be allowed to peep out between halfpant buttons, to look at the outside world.
(F) All the fun will be lost, when an elder, in sport, pulls down a little boy’s halfpant.
(G) A little boy’s undy is very expensive.
(H) A little boy’s undy is not available in the market.
[Note: The reason behind (H) is that little boys’ undies have not been manufactured in this country for over a thousand years.]
A little boy should roam about naked. Because
(A) Little boys have no sense of shame.
(B) A little boy’s penis stays cool even when exposed to the hottest summer sun.
(C) A little boy’s penis stays warm even when exposed to the coldest winter breeze.
(D) His mother must kiss his penis every hour.
(E) His elder sister can draw a picture of the penis in her drawing book.
(F) His younger sister can play with his penis after getting tired of dolls.
(G) Girls and women go gaga on seeing a little boy’s penis.
(H) A little boy’s penis is a thing of joy.
*****
Little Vulva Dear Little Vulva
A little girl should wear an undy below her frock/shorts/maxi from the age of 1. Because
(A) The vulva stays cool inside the undy.
(B) The vulva can grow properly only when inside the undy.
(C) Her father/brother should be impeded from molesting her vulva.
(D) Crows are prohibited by law to fly away with a little girl’s undy.
(E) No time, the vulva should be allowed to look at the outside world, from below a floating frock.
(F) There will be great shame all around, if an elder, in lust, pulls up a little girl’s frock.
(G) A little girl’s undy is dirt-cheap.
(H) A little girl’s undy can be plucked out of thin air.
[Note: The reason behind (H) is that in this country, little girls’ undies float in air just like dust particles.]
A little girl should not roam about naked. Because
(A) Little girls have in-built senses of modesty.
(B) A little girl’s vulva melts down when exposed to the mildest winter sun.
(C) A little girl’s vulva freezes over when exposed to the mildest summer breeze.
(D) Her father may rape her, otherwise.
(E) Her elder brother may molest her, otherwise.
(F) Her (naked) younger brother may insert his penis inside her vulva.
(G) Boys and men go blind on seeing a little girl’s vulva.
(H) A little girl’s vulva is a thing of shame.
*****
Rules Dear Rules
Indian magazines cannot print the picture of a woman’s pubes. Because
(A) Boys and men go blind on seeing a woman’s pubes.
(B) The portion of the magazine, containing the woman’s pubes, will burn off in shame.
(C) The picture of a woman’s pubes will incite boys and men to go out in the streets and start raping girls and women.
(D) Women have no pubes at all.
Indian magazines can print the picture of a man’s penis. Because
(A) A man’s penis is a thing of joy.
(B) The rules of the Indian Penis Watching Society say so.
(C) It enables girls and women to brush up their knowledge about the male anatomy.
(D) All short-sighted girls and women can get restored to normal eyesight, without costing a single paisa.
Women can not be allowed to bathe stark naked in public, even due to religious reasons. Because
(A) Boys and men within a 100 Km. radius will go blind.
(B) Rapes will proliferate within a 1000 Km. radius.
(C) An earthquake measuring 10.0 on the Richter scale will start all over India.
(D) The PlayGuy magazine cannot be allowed to get pictures for free.
Question: If PlayGuy magazine offers $ 100,000 per shot, will the above policy be reversed?
Since nude bathing (/nudism) was stopped (/banned) in Goa
(A) The number of molestations of young girls in crowded places has decreased.
(B) The number of rapes of girls and women has decreased.
(C) The number of video parlours showing hardcore blue films has decreased.
(D) Indian male voyeurs have had to go to Thailand to take pictures of nude women.
Question 1: Was it because the foreigners refused to pay taxes for the money they received from the male voyeurs clicking their photos?
Question 2: Should the Indian government ban nudism on Thai beaches?
Note: Indian female voyeurs did not have to bother travelling abroad.
In the Kumbha Mela teeming with mother-naked Naga sadhus, a Mexican girl, taking off all her clothes must be arrested. Because
(A) The development of her breasts must be arrested.
(B) The development of her buttocks must be arrested.
(C) The development of her pubes must be arrested.
(D) The penile erection of boys and men around her must be arrested.
(E) The molestine instincts, rapine thoughts of boys and men around her must be arrested.
(F) The likely loss in vision of boys and men around her must be arrested.
(G) The about to be outraged sense of modesty of girls and women around her must be arrested.
(H) The mental development of the Indian society must be arrested.
*****
Skimpy Dear Skimpy + Shame Dear Shame
Scenario 1: Women to each other (while watching Bollywood heroine and accompanying women in short tops and miniskirts dancing with fully clothed hero): Why do not we have scenes where men in their vests and underpants dance with fully clothed girls?
Do we have a similar
Scenario 2A: Men to each other (while watching the topless hero taking a shower in a skimpy little underwear): Why do not we have scenes where the topless heroine takes a shower in a skimpy little panty?
Or
Scenario 2B: Men to each other (while watching a Bollywood hero running down the street clad only in his underpant): Why do not we have scenes where a Bollywood heroine runs down the street clad only in her panty?
Or
Scenario 2C: Men to each other (while watching a topless Bollywood hero singing and dancing with a fully clothed heroine): Why do not we have scenes where a topless Bollywood heroine sings and dances with a fully clothed hero?
Or
Scenario 2D: Men to each other (while watching a Tollywood hero clad only in his swimming pant, sauntering towards the sea amidst a bevy of fully clothed college girls): Why do not we have scenes where a Tollywood heroine clad only in her swimming panty, saunters towards the sea amidst a bevy of fully clothed college boys?
Or
Scenario 2E: Men to each other (while watching a topless Hollywood hero making love to a slip-clad heroine): Why do not we have scenes where a topless Hollywood heroine makes love to a vest and shorts-clad hero?
Or
Scenario 2F: Men to each other (while watching a topless male dancer in an Indian classical dance performance alongside a female dancer covered from top to bottom): Why do not we have Indian classical dance performances where a topless female dancer dances alongside a male dancer covered from top to bottom?
?
No. No. No.
Because
(A) They are good big men.
(B) They are good little boys.
(C) Indian men can never have such dirty thoughts.
(D) They have been conditioned from infancy not to have such dirty thoughts.
(E) Female breasts are shameful objects.
(F) How can they enjoy watching breasts of daughters and sisters and mothers? (So what if daughters and sisters and mothers enjoy watching topless sons and brothers and fathers?)
(G) They are afraid of saying what is in their minds.
(H) They are afraid of losing their tongues.
(As the chivalrous Indian lizards are trained to do as such)
(I) They are afraid of losing their vision.
(As can be found in any standard Indian reference on Ophthalmology)
(J) They are afraid of losing their penises.
(As can be found in the Linga Puran)
[Note: The Linga Puran is an ancient Indian scripture containing tales about you-know-what worshipped as a symbol. The first annexure contains warnings to Indian boys and men about what would happen to their you-know-what if they dared to impinge on the boundaries of modesty surrounding Indian girls and women. The second annexure contains instructions to Indian girls and women on how to revere the you-know-what of little boys, which they carry out religiously and which the ignorant might misconstrue as Indian girls and women trying to cultivate shamelessness in little boys assiduously or taking advantage of the innocence of little boys diabolically. The third annexure contains a manual that teaches mother-naked Naga sadhus how to perform tricks with their pricks. The fourth annexure contains guidance for Indian lawmakers on how to accurately depict Indian boys’ and men’s you-know-what in films, documentaries, serials, comedies, plays, cartoons, advertisements, songs, photos, videos, statues, posters, toys, books, comics without any censorship whatsoever. The fifth annexure contains details about how to become an official or member of the Indian Penis Watching Society.]
(K) The Indian (Female) Breast Watching Society has been banned, its office bearers and members have been hanged, burned, shot, knifed, poisoned and castrated.
(L) They (have become and) are defenders of women’s breasts.
[Note: Obviously (L) is a direct fallout of (K)]
*****
Naked Statue Dear Naked Statue
A 10-foot high naked statue of a woman cannot be installed in a park or in the middle of a thoroughfare. But, a 70-foot high naked statue of a man (it is of no consequence whether he is a revered saint or a reviled sinner) can be installed in a vast open place. Because
(A) Males should be encouraged to shed their inhibitions about their bodies.
(B) Females could be provoked to reveal their bodies as in exhibitions.
(C) Males should be encouraged to discard artificial shame.
(D) Females could be provoked to discard natural modesty.
(E) Males should be encouraged to take off their shirts.
(F) Females could be provoked to take off their blouses/tops/ kameezes.
(G) Males should be encouraged to take off their trousers/shorts/dhotis/ pajamas.
(H) Females could be provoked to take off their sarees/skirts/salwars.
(I) Males should be encouraged to take off their vests.
(J) Females could be provoked to take off their bras.
(K) Males should be encouraged to take off their underpants.
(L) Females could be provoked to take off their petticoats/ panties.
(M) Males should be encouraged to take off their condoms.
(N) Females could be provoked to take off their sanitary napkins.
(O) Males should be encouraged to make females happy, joyous.
(P) Females could be provoked to make males rapacious, lustful.
*****
Yoga Dear Yoga
Males must do Yoga in skimpy little undies while females must do Yoga in dresses covering them from neck to toe. Because
(A) The skimpy little undies prevent the abundantly big penises from coming out and getting inside neck to toe covering dresses.
(B) The neck to toe covering dresses prevent the shapely breasts, buttocks and pubeses from getting out of shape.
[Explanation: A topless female doing ushtrasan, over time, might have her breasts resembling camels. A bottomless female doing gomukhasan, over time, might have her buttocks resembling cows’ mouths. A frontless female doing kurmasan, over time, might have her pubes resemble a tortoise.]
(C) The neck to toe covering dresses prevent the male microbes floating in the air from turning into peeping Toms, voyeurs, male gazers.
(D) A male doing Yoga in anything more substantial will be cursed to become impotent.
(E) A female doing Yoga in her bra and panty will be cursed to born as a cabaret dancer in her next life.
(F) A female doing Yoga in her panty will be cursed to born as a model for condom packets in her next life.
(G) A female doing Yoga in the nude will be cursed to born as the heroin of a hundred blue films in her next life.
(H) The Indecent Rape of Women (Prevention) Act requires females to remain covered from neck to toe while doing Yoga.
[Note: It is only under the Decent Rape of Women (Encouragement) Act, that females (prostitutes) can remain uncovered from neck to toe while doing Yoga (with their customers).]
(I) A male doing Yoga in the nude will be blessed to become the father of a hundred children.
[Note: This is a well-guarded secret not to be found in Yoga books due to 2 reasons. The first is the burgeoning population of India. The second is that modern Indian males are not allowed to have more than one wife and it is well nigh impossible for a modern Indian female to bear a hundred children in her lifetime.]
(J) In the big fat book of Indian Moral Mathematics co-authored by even fatter Indian Male Eunuch and Indian Female Nympho, the Moral Differential Calculus theorem states that for Indian males, extrema is minima and for Indian females, extrema is maxima.
[Cootoo’s query: Did Dhritarashtra in the Mahabharat do Yoga in the nude? His wife Gandhari had a hundred children, I know.]
*****
Chemical Reactions
1A. PWC + BCW = LSC
1B. PWC + BSCM = VFC
2A. DFS + FMITC = IVFS
2B. DFS + MMIBS = RBFS
3A. SA + MSDW = UCSTSGA(1)
3B. SA + RSDM = UCSTSGA(2)
Elaboration:
1A. A pure, white comedy turns into a lewd sex comedy when agent BCW is added to it.
1B. A pure, white comedy turns into a very funny comedy when agent BSCM is added to it.
2A. A decent fashion show turns into an indecently vulgar fashion show when agent FMITC is added to it.
2B. A decent fashion show turns into a refreshingly bold fashion show when agent MMIBS is added to it.
3A. .A standard advertisement turns into a UCSTSGA(1) when agent MSDW is added to it.
3B. A standard advertisement turns into a UCSTSGA(2) when agent RSDM is added to it.
Further Elaboration:
BCW – Bikini-Clad Woman
BSCM – Birthday-Suit-Clad Man
FMITC – Female Model In Transparent Clothes (Outlining only buttocks and maybe breasts but not the most vital region)
MMIBS – Male Model In Birthday-Suit
MSDW – Modestly Skimpily Dressed Woman
RSDM – Really Skimpily Dressed Man
UCSTSGA(1) (in case you did not guess) – Using Cheap Sex To Sell Goods Advertisement
UCSTSGA(2) (in case you still can not guess) – Using Common Sense To Sell Goods Advertisement
[Note: Though UCSTSGA(1) and UCSTSGA(2) have the same chemical formula, while UCSTSGA(1) is poisonous like white phosphorus, UCSTSGA(2) is harmless like red phosphorus.]
*****
Temple Dear Temple
In many Indian temples, before entering, male devotees are required to remove their upper garments to show deference to the male deity, who is topless. So, in Kali temples, before entering, are female devotees required to remove all their clothes to show deference to Goddess Kali, who has no clothes on?
No. No. No.
Because
(A) What is good for the gander is bad for the goose.
(B) The male devotees too would remove all their clothes, jump on the female devotees and start raping them.
(C) The PSI members, who pry around with wry minds, would cry their hearts out, fry their brains in lard and try to jump off cliffs because all their business would dry up. (PSI – Pornographic Society of India)
(D) The SSSSPTS has strong objections to such a requirement because the subsequent de-mystification of the female body would lead to an extinction of the PTS and unemployment for its members. (PTS – Peeping Tom Species, SSSSPTS – Society of Social Scientists Studying the Peeping Tom Species.)
(E) The SMTFHMODPFB, on which the Indian government spends Rs. 10,000 Crores annually, would have to wind up. (SMTFHMODPFB – Society of Males Trying to Find out How Much Obscene are Different Parts of the Female Body)
(F) Unhealthy cats would proliferate in large numbers. (Males would stop having an unhealthy curiosity towards the female body. Remember – Curiosity killed the cat. Obviously, that implies – Unhealthy curiosity killed the unhealthy cat.)
[Gender-justly: Just as females have had no guilt feeling or squeamishness about enjoying the beauty of the male body from times immemorial, such a practice would have resulted in males having no guilt feeling or squeamishness about enjoying the beauty of the female body.]
[Contention: If such a practice had been in vogue, I am certain that India would have had the lowest rate of sexual crimes against girls and women in the whole world.]
*****
Kiss No Piss Yes
In the great Indian moralistic society, it is not considered proper to kiss in public, but it is considered proper (for males) to piss in public. Because
(A) Liquids spurting from naked penises are used to nurture the great Indian culture plants growing in the great Indian culture pots.
(B) Poisons flowing from kissing lips will destroy the great Indian culture plants growing in the great Indian culture pots.
(C) Indian males need to piss in public to reassure the moral guardians of society that their penises are intact and in working condition and will jump to the rescue of Indian culture whenever needed.
(D) Indian couples should not kiss in public to reassure the moral guardians of society that their lips will act as clips to grip all those trying to slip out of Indian culture prison.
(E) The Bollywood film ‘Maine Piss Kiya’ glorifies the role played by Indian politician pissers in pissing on the heads of ordinary citizens.
(F) The Bollywood film ‘Kissing Mana Hai’ is a wake up call to all Indians against the evil foreigners threatening to invade India armed with the dangerous weapon of kissing.
(G) The Bollywood film ‘Piss Kiya To Darna Kya’ shows how the Indian academician pissers are not frightened of pissing on ancient Indian values.
(H) The Bollywood film ‘Kabhie Kiss Na Karna’ is a sermon to married couples on the evils of kissing. It shows how kissing can result in influenza, cholera, tuberculosis, malaria, stomach ache, headache, heart attack.
(I) The Bollywood film ‘Pisswale Paniya Le Jayenge’ shows how the Indian businessmen pissers manage to carry off all the wine and cake.
(J) The Bollywood film ‘Kiss Karenge To Miss Marenge’ is a sermon to naughty children warning them that if by chance they or their parents are caught kissing, their miss (class teacher), will materialise out of nowhere and give the kissers a good spanking.
(K) The Bollywood film ‘Kabhie Piss Kabhie Kiss’ shows how the lives of pissers end in a happy ending and the lives of kissers end in a tragic ending.
(L) The Bollywood film ‘Hum Kiss Kissise Nahi Karenge’ is a sermon to all Indians against the pitfalls of kissing anything or anyone, any place or any time, not approved by holy Indian culture.
Translation: (E) I have pissed (F) Kissing prohibited (G) Why afraid of pissing (H) Don’t you ever kiss (I) The pisser will carry of the water (J) Miss will beat you up if you kiss (K) Sometime piss sometime kiss (L) I will not kiss anyone
*****
Pee Dear Pee
In an ad, we had a little boy peeing with his back to his male and female friends with the caption ‘Sisters know brothers are different when they see them pee standing up’ (or something to that effect). So, can one hope for an ad in the future in which a little girl pees with her back to her female and male friends with the caption ‘Brothers know sisters are different when they see them pee sitting down’?
No. No. No.
Because
(A) No brother has ever seen his sister pee.
(B) Sisters do not pee with their brothers around.
(C) Good little boys close their eyes if they chance upon any girls including their sisters peeing.
(D) Girls do not pee in the open.
(E) When girls pee, males inside and outside ads are not allowed to peep.
(When boys pee, females inside and outside ads are expected to beep.)
(F) Depiction of a peeing little girl = Raping of a little girl
(Depiction of a peeing little boy = Shaping (up) of a little boy (for things to come))
(G) Girls do not pee.
*****
Ban The Ramayan. Ban The Mahabharat.
Secularism – Indian Style
Why the telecast of the Ramayan led to the growth of Hindu fundamentalism?
(A) The Hindu fundamentalist Ram had murdered the Muslim sentimentalist Ravan.
(B) The Hindu henchman of Ram, Hanuman had burnt down the Muslim Ravan’s secular haven Lankapuri.
(C) The Hindu Ram had unseated the Muslim Ravan from his rightful throne at Ayodhya.
(D) The Hindu Ram had abducted the Muslim Ravan’s wife Sita from Lankapuri.
(E) The bloodsucking Hindu capitalist landlord Ram had murdered the great communist revolutionary peasant leader Ravan and his 19 trusted comrades.
(F) The Hindu capitalist factory owner Ram and his army of monkey gunmen had ruthlessly mowed down the great communist labour leader Ravan and innocent rakshas labourers, rightfully, justly striking outside Ayodhya Factory.
Why the telecast of the Mahabharat led to the growth of Hindu fundamentalism?
(A) The Hindu Duhshasan had been shown trying to strip the Muslim Draupadi in public.
(B) The Hindu Kauravs had sent the Muslim Pandavs to twelve years of exile in the forest.
(C) The Hindu demon Bhim had slain the Muslim warrior Bakrakshas, that too after gobbling down the latter’s meagre rationed food.
(D) The Hindu capitalist Krishna had murdered the great Joseph Stalin’s son Shishupal.
(E) The Hindu Draupadi had refused to marry Karna because he was a Muslim.
(F) The hero of Mahabharat is the milk-sucking capitalist Krishna, who had stolen the only clothes of poor communist women bathing in the river.
The Ramayan is banned. Now
(A) The Bhagwad Gita should be banned.
(B) The 18 Upanishads should be banned.
(C) The government should put a price of Rs. 100 crores on Valmiki’s head.
(D) The government should give Rs. 1,000 crores to write the (future) great secular epic Musalmanayan (with Aurangzeb as the hero).
The Mahabharat is banned. Now
(A) The 4 Vedas should be banned.
(B) The government should put a price of Rs. 1,000 crores on Veda Vyas’s head.
(C) The government should give Rs. 10,000 crores to write the (future) great secular epic Mahamusalmanat (with Osama Bin Laden as the hero).
(D) Hinduism should be banned.
Hinduism is banned. Now Hindus should become
(A) Muslims.
(B) Christians.
(C) Slaves.
(D) Bonded labourers.
(E) Street dogs.
(F) Shitworms (which Hindu communists and Hindu secularists already are).
*****
Great Secular Indian TV Channels
Part 1
Gujarat Genocide – Can you tell which one of these babies is a Hindu, a Muslim, a Christian, a Sikh, a Buddhist, a Jain? (Exhorting all big, bad Hindu fundamentalists.) Stop these killings in the name of religion. (This ad was shown by the great secular Indian TV channels a million times after the Gujarat riots.)
Similarly, an Indian Muslim fundamentalist can be asked the following questions –
(A) Shariati Burqamania – Can you tell which one of these women is a Hindu, a Muslim, a Christian, a Sikh, a Buddhist, a Jain? Only the Muslim woman. She is the one in a black burqa. Stop this nonsense in the name of religion.
(B) Shariati Beardmania – Can you tell which one of these men is a Hindu, a Muslim, a Christian, a Sikh, a Buddhist, a Jain? Only the Muslim man. He is the one with a bush like beard. Stop this silliness in the name of religion.
(C) Shariati Growthmania – Can you tell which one of these couples is Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Sikh, Buddhist, Jain? Only the Muslim couple. It is the one with half a dozen children. Stop this population explosion in the name of religion.
(D) Shariati Polygamymania – Can you tell which one of these families is Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Sikh, Buddhist, Jain? Only the Muslim family. A bearded man followed by his four burqa-clad wives and a score of children. Stop this medieval custom in the name of religion.
(E) Shariati Talaqmania – Can you tell which one of these hands is that of a Hindu, a Muslim, a Christian, a Sikh, a Buddhist, a Jain? Only the Muslim woman’s hands. It is the one with cut marks on her wrists. Its owner tried to commit suicide by slashing her wrists after her husband kicked her out by uttering ‘talaq’ three times. Stop this barbaric custom in the name of religion.
(F) Shariati Panislammania – Can you tell which one of these hearts is that of a Hindu, a Muslim, a Christian, a Sikh, a Buddhist, a Jain? Only the Muslim heart. It beats faster at the plight of Afghan Muslims, Iraqi Muslims, Palestinian Muslims. Stop these heartbeats for Muslims in other countries in the name of religion.
Similarly, an Indian secularist can be asked the following questions –
(A) Secularist Alienmania – Can you tell which one of these dogs is a Hindu, a Muslim, a Christian, a Sikh, a Buddhist, a Jain? Only the Kashmiri Muslim dog. It is the fattest one by a long distance. It has grown fat on the flesh of Kashmiri Hindu humans periodically massacred by Kashmiri Muslim humans. Stop these nonsensical talks about the alienation of Kashmiri Muslims in the name of secularism.
(B) Secularist Artmania – Can you tell which one of the prophet/saint/God/ Goddess shown in these paintings is a Hindu, a Muslim, a Christian, a Sikh, a Buddhist, a Jain? The God/Goddess depicted in the nude is likely to be Hindu for in India only Hindu sentiments can be trampled upon regularly and continuously. Stop this hypocrisy about defending artistic freedom in the name of secularism.
(C) Secularist Tearmania – Can you tell which one of these beggars is a Hindu, a Muslim, a Christian, a Sikh, a Buddhist, a Jain? All of them are likely to be Hindu for figures say that ninety-nine out of every hundred beggars in India are Hindu. Stop shedding these crocodile tears for poor Muslims in the name of secularism.
(D) Secularist Pandermania – Can you tell which one of these houses is Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Sikh, Buddhist, Jain? Only the Muslim house. It has a green Pakistani flag flying from the rooftop. Stop pandering to anti-national elements in the name of secularism.
*****
Great Secular Indian TV Channels
Part 2
Kashmir Kiddings – Can you tell which one of these babies is a Hindu? (Exhorting all sweet, little Kashmiri Muslim sentimental sentimentalists.) Continue these kiddings in the name of sentiment, autonomy, freedom, liberation. (It is the greatest desire of the great secular Indian TV channels to show such an ad after each massacre of Kashmiri Hindus by Kashmiri Muslims but for some unknown reason they haven’t shown this ad even once.)
So, there can be nothing wrong with the Kashmiri Muslim sentimental sentimentalists’ following actions er kiddings –
(A) First – Burn the Hindu baby to death.
(Sentiment – Baby will not cry any more)
(B) Second – Gang-rape the Hindu baby’s mother.
(Liberation – From false chastity, modesty)
(C) Third – Castrate the Hindu baby’s father.
(Freedom – From carrying around penis)
(D) Fourth – Rape the Hindu baby’s 5-year-old elder sister.
(Autonomy – When she grows up, she can live and have sex with her boyfriend(s) all by herself)
(E) Fifth – Burn the Hindu baby’s parents’ house.
(Sentiment + Liberation)
(F) Sixth – Drive out the Hindu baby’s uncles, aunts, cousins from their houses to live as refugees in slum colonies.
(Freedom + Autonomy)
(G) Seventh – Burn the Hindu Temple in the Hindu baby’s parents’ locality. (Liberation + Autonomy)
(H) Eighth – Hoist the Pakistani flag on Indian independence day, in the Hindu baby’s parents’ locality.
(Sentiment + Freedom)
(I) Ninth – Machinegun down the Hindu baby’s Amarnath Yatri grand-uncles and grand-aunts.
(Liberation + Freedom)
(J) Tenth – Celebrate Pakistani victory in India-Pakistan one-day cricket match. (Sentiment + Autonomy)
(K) Eleventh – Enjoy (at the Indian Hindu taxpayers’ expense)
(1) Finest export quality Basmati rice at Rs. 2 a kg. (Market Price – Rs. 60 a kg.)
(2) Juiciest mutton at Rs. 10 a kg. (Market Price – Rs. 150 a kg.)
(3) Purest cow milk at Re. 1 a litre. (Market Price – Rs. 20 a litre)
(4) Big cashewnuts/raisins at Rs. 15 a kg. (Market Price – Rs. 300 a kg.)
(5) Saffron at Rs. 2 a gm. (Market Price – Rs. 50 a gm.)
(6) Purest ghee at Rs. 10 a kg. (Market Price – Rs. 250 a kg)
(7) Potato at Re. 0.10 a kg. (Market Price – Rs. 5 a kg)
(8) Onion at Re. 0.15 a kg. (Market Price – Rs. 8 a kg)
(9) Electricity at Re. 0.10 per unit. (Market Price – Rs. 4 a unit)
(10) Cooking gas at Rs. 10 a cylinder. (Market Price – Rs. 270 a cylinder)
(Plebiscite + Plebiscite)
[Explanation (of Eleventh): In the year 1948, a plebiscite was held among all Hindus in India. They voted overwhelmingly in favour of –
Freedom of the Kashmiri Muslims from Indian Market Prices.]
[Explanation (of First – Tenth): In the same plebiscite, Hindus voted overwhelmingly in favour of –
Liberation of the Kashmiri Muslims from the Indian Penal code.
Autonomy of the Kashmiri Muslims from the Indian Civil Code.
Sentimental tangoing of the Kashmiri Muslims with the Pakistani Muslims.]
*****
Sanitary Dear Sanitary
Ads for sanitary napkins should not be shown on TV during prime time. Because
(A) Little boys should not know anything about sanitary napkins till they marry and become fathers of grown-up daughters.
(B) Mothers, sisters do not really know what sanitary napkins are (and as such cannot answer queries of inquisitive little boys).
(C) 1 Sanitary Napkin Ad = 10 Blue Films
(D) A sanitary napkin is equivalent to a G-string (and as such would encourage little girls to romp in G-strings when they grow up).
(E) Little boys would be encouraged to grow up as voyeurs cum peeping Toms cum male gazers.
(F) Little boys would steal sanitary napkins of their elder sisters and use those as headbands.
(G) Little boys would steal sanitary napkins of their elder sisters and use those as condoms while having sex with little girls.
(H) The one billion litres of ink used annually by conscientious members of the public to write anti-sanitary napkin ads to newspapers would be saved.
(I) One has to think of the inconveniences caused to members of the Indian Society For Prevention Of Erectile Dysfunction In Males Who Watch Sanitary Napkin Ads.
(J) One has to think of the inconveniences caused to members of the Indian Society For Prevention Of Hot Flushes In Females Who Watch Sanitary Napkin Ads.
Sanitary napkin manufacturers should not be allowed to sponsor children’s programmes on TV. Because
(A) Sanitary napkin manufactures are no better than blue filmmakers.
(B) Little boy viewers would be encouraged to pull down panties of little girl viewers and check whether they are wearing sanitary napkins.
(C) Little girl viewers would be encouraged to watch TV programmes, dressed only in sanitary napkins.
(D) The Indian Society For Prevention Of Psycho-Sanitary Rapes Of Little Girls says so. (According to the CowShit Dictionary (only Indian edition available), a little girl who watches a sanitary napkin ad can be deemed to be psycho-sanitarily raped).
(E) A little boy might be encouraged to develop an incestuous relationship with his sister.
(F) A little boy might be encouraged to gift his young, unmarried female schoolteacher with a pack of sanitary napkins on her birthday.
(G) A little boy would want to wear sanitary napkins when he grew up.
(H) One has to act on the findings of the Indian Sanitary Society, which has established that all rapists, when little boys, used to watch sanitary napkin ads avidly.
*****
Condom Dear Condom
Condoms are best used. When used
(A) To cover one’s fingers when writing with a leaky fountain pen.
(B) As balloons in a child’s birthday party.
(C) To save a 14-year-old girl from unwanted pregnancy, so that the girl can have safe sex with her neighbour’s three sons aged 12, 14, and 16.
(D) To save the girl from unwanted pregnancy, so that she can have daughterly-fatherly sex with her neighbour, a 44-year-old, tall, handsome man.
(E) To save a 20-year-old college going youth from unnecessary fatherhood, so that on Saturdays, he can have safe sex with a pretty college batch mate, and on Sundays, he can have safe sex with a sweety college batch mate.
(F) To save a 15-year-old boy from child labour, so that he can have labour free sex with his 30-year-old prostitute aunty.
[Hint: The 15-year-old boy may have to look for employment to help bring up somebody. Assuming he is a fellow with a conscience.]
(G) To prevent an 80-year-old business tycoon’s sons’ and daughters’ shares of father’s property getting further diminished, when he has geriatric sex with a 28-year-old love-digger woman. (Yes, yes, the 28-year-old is digging for love, only love.)
(H) To save a 40-year-old slim, healthy, pretty, fit aunt and her 16-year-old tall, macho nephew from confusion, when they have sonly-motherly sex.
[Hint: Confusion – Wife/Aunt, Nephew/Husband, Son/Brother-in-law, Sister/Daughter-in-law. Worst confusion for yet another. (Who?)]
(I) To save a 39-year-old father and a 13-year-old daughter, when they have incestuous sex.
(J) To save a broken marriage. The husband can have sex with as many girlfriends as he likes. The wife can have sex with as many boyfriends as she likes.
(K) To avoid birth of hybrid babies. As a result of group sex sessions.
[Hybrid babies? Guess for yourself.]
(L) To prevent another addition to an already happy, carefree, joyous, loving, well-knit, close-knit family of four.
*****
Illegal Sex Legalised
Prostitution should be legalised because the government can bring an act, which taxes both the prostitute and the customer. By the same logic
(A) Rape should be legalised because the act taxes the muscles of both the rapist and the rape victim.
(B) Incest should be legalised because the act taxes the brains of genealogists.
(C) Paedophilia should be legalised because the act taxes the bodies of children.
(D) White slave trafficking should be legalised because the act taxes the hands of the (white slave) traffic policemen.
(E) Wife-swapping should be legalised because the act taxes the morals of society.
(F) Group sex should be legalised because the act taxes the skills of topologists.
[Note: (1) Genealogy – History of the descent of families. (2) Topology – Branch of geometry concerned with those properties of a figure which remain unchanged even when the figure is bent, stretched, etc.]
Prostitution can be legalised because the customer pays a certain amount of money to the prostitute. By the same logic
(A) Rape can be legalised because the rapist pays a certain amount of semen to the rape victim.
(B) Incest can be legalised because the incestors pay homage to blood ties.
(C) Paedophilia should be legalised because the paedophiles pay toll tax on the bridge between generations.
(D) White slave trafficking should be legalised because the white slave traffickers pay small change coins to the (white slave) traffic policemen.
(E) Wife-swapping can be legalised because the spouses pay with credit cards at body shopping malls.
(F) Group sex can be legalised because the group pays attention to the fact that mankind is a large family.
Prostitution ought to be legalised because the prostitute is offering a service to the customer. By the same logic
(A) Rape ought to be legalised because the rape victim is offering blood and tears of humiliation and degradation to the rapist.
(B) Incest ought to be legalised because the incestors are offering geneticists a chance to study rare diseases.
(C) Paedophilia should be legalised because the paedophiles are offering the joys of forbidden pleasure to children.
(D) White slave trafficking should be legalised because the white slave traffickers are offering raw material to the government sanctioned industry.
(E) Wife-swapping ought to be legalised because the spouses are offering sociologists a chance to reconstruct the primeval history of mankind.
(F) Group sex ought to be legalised because the group is offering a vexing puzzle to group theorists.
[Note: Group Theory – The investigation of the properties of groups. Group – A system of elements having a binary operation that is associative, an identity element for the operation, and an inverse for every element. Puzzle (sex being the binary operation that is associative, the group sexers being the elements) – Who is the identity element? Which group sexer is the inverse of a given group sexer?]
*****
WTWTWTW
Fundamental Equation of GravitatioNapungshaks discovered by SecularIsaac IndiaNewton (in figures): 4W + 3T = NHVMM
[Note: Napungshak means eunuch]
(In words): Every action must have four equal and three opposite reactions.
(In simple secular speak): Nobility, Honourability, Virtuousity of Muslim Men is directly proportional to number of Wives and Talaqs.
Why must a Muslim fundamentalist man be allowed to have four wives?
(A) He needs four types of biryani every day.
(B) He needs a cook, a masseuse, and a housemaid for free.
(C) He has four heads.
(D) Each of his wives has a quarter of a vulva.
(E) He has four penises.
(F) So that, he can reproduce like rabbits.
Why must a Muslim fundamentalist man be allowed to utter the word ‘talaq’ three times to kick out his wife?
(A) He loves uttering the word ‘talaq’.
(B) When he utters the word ‘talaq’, it purifies his mouth.
(C) When he clucks his tongue, it sounds like ‘talaq’.
(D) ‘Talaq Talaq Talaq’ is his favourite song from the famous Bollywood film Maine Talaq Diya.
(E) His wife has three buttocks.
(F) So that, he can reproduce like rabbits.
[Diary reader’s plea: Can we have the whole song please?
Answering to plea: Let’s see. It goes like this –
(1) Talaq Talaq Talaq
(2) O Maine Talaq Diya
(1)-(2) repeat twice
(3) Talaq Diya To Kya Hua? (2 times)
(4) Kaho Na Talaq Diya (4 times)
(5) Talaq Diya To Darna Kya? (4 times)
(6) Talaq Hua Chori Chori Chupke Chupke (2 times)
(7) Talaqiyan, Churake Tal Tera, Chali Mein Chali (2 times)
(8) Mujhko Ati Hain Talaq Mein Jala Dena (2 times)
(9) Mere Talaqon Ki Rani, Kab Tu Mere Zindagi Se Jayegi? (2 times)
(10) Talaq Le Hum, Talaq Le Tum, To Kya Kam Hai? (2 times)
(11) Maine Tere Liye Hi Teen Swaron Ki Talaq Chuna (2 times)
(12) Mera Talaqiya Bahar Jayegi, O Rahimji, Mera Talaqiya Bahar Jayegi (4 times)
(13) Goron Ki Na Kalon Ki, Duniya Hain Talaqwalon Ki (2 times)
(14) Talaq Diya Phir Kya Hua? (2 times)
– As far as I can remember.
As for the English translation, here goes –
(1) Divorce divorce divorce
(2) O I have given the divorce
(3) I have given the divorce, so what?
(4) Please say I have given the divorce
(5) I have given the divorce, so why fear?
(6) The divorce has taken place stealthily, quietly
(7) Divorcee, after stealing your tune, I am going
(8) I am given to burning you in the divorce
(9) My divorce queen, when are you getting out of my life?
(10) I am taking divorce, you are taking divorce, so what’s missing?
(11) For you only, I have selected the three-tone divorce
(12) My divorcee is getting out, Mr. Rahim, my divorcee is getting out
(13) Not for whites, not for blacks, the world is for divorce givers
(14) I have given the divorce, then what happened?]
*****
Bomb Dear Bomb
Pokhran-2 was a Hindu Bomb. Because
(A) Mahabharatium and Ramayanium were the two metals used to manufacture the casings of the bomb.
(B) HinduFundamentalium was the fuel used in the bomb.
(C) HinduIntolerancium was used to manufacture the atomic trigger.
(D) The bomb would be dropped selectively on Muslims in India.
(E) The bomb would scare the wits out of the neighbouring Islamic fundamentalist country.
(F) Pakistani quadroons, with a quarter Pakistani blood in them were instructed by their Pakistani masters to label as such.
(G) The bomb meant Pakistan would not be able to nuclear blackmail India when it came up with Chagai nuclear bomb six days later, resulting in Pakistani ass-suckers in India reaching the height of their frustration.
(H) The Secular Indian Society for Sucking Pakistani Asses says so.
(I) The Leftist Indian Society for Licking Pakistani Genitals says so.
*****
Cover Communist Cannibals’ Clothes (Transparent)
All of a sudden after 25 years of communist misrule in West Bengal, we had the suddenly sprouting up from nowhere Bengali Language and Consciousness Society (or whatever) promoting and trying to impose Bengali chauvinism + Bengali rights. Because
(A) Bengalis were sleeping for 25 years thanks to a monstrous central government conspiracy.
(B) The Bengali chauvinists had the capability to wake up the sleeping, dozing Bengali giant.
(C) The degradation of the Bengali language was due to victimisation by the central government.
(D) The deterioration in the quality of Bengali films was due to a conspiracy hatched by the non-Bengalis.
(E) The hundreds of potholed roads would get repaired immediately.
(F) The thousands of closed factories would re-open immediately.
(G) The millions of unemployed youth would get jobs immediately.
(H) The Bengalis were tired of demonstrating against American imperialism and wanted a new vocation.
(I) All the CIA agents in West Bengal had fled/died, so the persons in charge of driving out CIA agents had to be given a new pastime.
(J) It was nothing but a front set up by the communists.
(K) It was just a red rag for the foolish, ignorant, hot-tempered, easily aroused Bengali bull, put up by the too clever by half matador to turn it away from its real enemy – the communist demon.
Oh! We are living so peacefully under communist rule in West Bengal. Because
(A) The elections are rigged peacefully.
(B) The organised loots of taxpayers’ money are carried out peacefully.
(C) Political opponents are murdered peacefully.
(D) The communist party leaders are growing rich peacefully.
(E) The public health system and the educational infrastructure are breaking down peacefully.
(F) The unionised employees are gossiping, playing cards, knitting sweaters in state government offices peacefully.
(G) The unionised workers are closing down factories peacefully.
(H) Unemployed men and women in millions are roaming about peacefully.
(I) Bangladeshi infiltrators are entering India through porous border peacefully.
(J) Pakistani agents are setting up anti-India networks peacefully.
Oo la la! The communist government has done so much for artistically artistic artists. Because
(A) The communists have drawn a group nude picture of all such artists (as had that artistic Muslim painter who had artistically drawn Goddess Saraswati in the nude).
(B) The communists have given all such artists fat sums whenever they have protested against US imperialism.
(C) The communists have given all such artists fatter sums whenever they have protested against Hindu fundamentalism.
(D) The communists have given all such artists fattest sums whenever they have called for everlasting friendship ties with the pigs from West Pakistan and East Pakistan.
(E) The communists have kissed the asses of all such artists till they have blushed red.
(F) The communists have stuffed cashew nuts and raisins down the assholes of all such artists.
(G) The communists have tickled the penises and pubeses of all such artists till they have cried out in joy.
(H) The communists have stuck gold coins on the penises and pubeses of all such artists (besides hanging gold chains around their waists).
(I) The communists have all such artists purring at their feet by feeding them milk and fish.
(J) The communists have gifted their shit and piss for free to all such artists to eat and drink (and be merry).
(K) The communists have put dog collars and leashes on all such artists by feeding them doggy goodies like houses at prime locations for almost free, free foreign trips, free group sex sessions.
Shame on them. These Hindu fundamentalists. For wasting millions of public money on this yatra and that yatra. Because
(A) A total of Rs. 10 was spent in all those anti-Pokhran protests and processions and thousands of anti-Pokhran billboards put up all over Kolkata. (And not Rs. 10,000,000 as some rascals would have us believe.)
(B) A total of Rs. 5 was spent in the felicitation of a famous intellectual whore from USA in the Netaji indoor stadium. (And not Rs. 5,00,000 as some rogues would have us believe.)
(C) Rs. 2 per head is/was all that is/was required for annual pilgrimages to China, Soviet Union (while it existed). (And not Rs. 2,00,000 per head as some villains would have us believe.)
(D) 25 paisa was spent in the welcome of the Cuban ambassador to Kolkata. (And not Rs. 2,50,000 as some scamps would have us believe.)
(E) A total of Rs. 30 per month is spent for the maintenance of the frugal lifestyle of the former chief minister. (And not Rs. 3,00,000 per month as some cads would have us believe.)
(F) Comrades drink hooch costing Rs. 5 a bottle. (And not foreign liquor costing Rs. 5,000 a bottle as some scoundrels would have us believe).
Shh, we must always be extra careful not to hurt innocent, peaceful, Muslim sentiments. Pah, we never care two hoots for rabble rousing, jingoistic Hindu fundamentalist sentiments. Because
(A) The fundamental theorem of Indian secularism says so.
(B) Muslims vote in a block whereas Hindus vote independently.
(C) All Muslims are secular whereas only those Hindus, who are ashamed to be Hindus, are secular.
(D) Muslims are landless labourers whereas Hindus are landowners.
(E) Muslims are factory workers whereas Hindus are factory owners.
(F) Muslims are poor communists fighting for their rights whereas Hindus are bloodsucking capitalists out to deprive them of their legitimate shares.
(G) Sweet honey drips from Muslim asses whereas bitter alkali pours from Hindu fundamentalist mouths.
(H) Our genitals shrink in fear whenever peace-loving Muslims take out a procession.
(I) There is little to chose between communism and Islam.
(J) Our paymasters from abroad have ordered us to adopt such a stance.
Whenever comrade brothers gang up to rape women in communist West Bengal, those women are invariably branded as bad charactered, loose moralled by comrade sisters. Because
(A) Whenever comrade workers gang up to beat the managers of communist factories (leading them to flee the state), the managers of those factories are branded as bad faced, loose mouthed by comrade union leaders.
(B) Whenever comrade middlemen gang up to cheat the farmers in communist land (leading them to commit suicide), those farmers are branded as bad tempered, loose headed by comrade economists.
(C) Whenever comrade doctors and nurses gang up to murder infants (leading their parents to drown in sorrow) in communist hospitals, those infants are branded as having bad hearts, loose organs by comrade journalists.
(D) Whenever comrade teachers and professors gang up to teach rubbish to the students in communist schools and colleges (leading them into an exodus to other states), those students are branded as bad mannered, loose brained by comrade academicians.
(E) Whenever comrade intellectual whores gang up to ban a book (leading it to pile up in warehouses), the book is branded as bad paged, loose spined by their intellectual whore masters.
Secularism is India’s eternal tradition. Because
(A) Vihinism (vilifying Hinduism) is Indian communists’ eternal tradition.
(B) Dehisaism (denigrating Hindu saints) is Indian communists’ eternal tradition.
(C) Psamragcism (portraying sadist Muslim rulers as great communists) is Indian communists’ eternal tradition.
(D) Busiadism (bringing Uncle Sam into any discussion) is Indian communists’ eternal tradition.
[Note: I heard this speech supposed to be on minibus workers’ plights. The entire second half of the speech consisted of a raving and ranting against American imperialist designs. As if the minibus owners were in the pay of the CIA.]
(E) Glisfism (glorifying Islamic fundamentalism) is Indian communists’ eternal tradition.
(F) Saomfism (sucking asses of Muslim fundamentalists) is Indian communists’ eternal tradition.
There is nothing wrong in building separate housing estates for Muslims in the city. Because
(A) There is nothing wrong in separate economic policies for West Bengal. (While the state government is at liberty to welcome foreign investors with open arms, the central government must kick out foreign investors with closed minds.)
(B) There is nothing wrong in sending children of party leaders to separate posh English medium schools (while children of workers have to make do with broken down Bengali medium schools).
(C) There is nothing wrong in arranging for separate high-class women in posh guesthouses for the male bigwigs of the communist party (while ordinary male workers have to make do with low-class women in soiled brothels).
(D) There is nothing wrong in having separate standards for leaders and workers of the communist party as regards Uncle Sam. (While workers shake up the earth with their slogans against the imperialist designs of the USA, leaders have fun in the sun in the USA.)
(E) There is nothing wrong in having separate standards for Kashmiri Muslim militants and Gujarati Hindu militants. (While the former must be sucked and licked, the latter must be vilified and crucified.)
(F) There is nothing wrong in issuing separate fake ration cards to crores of illegal Bangladeshi Muslim infiltrators in the bordering districts.
(G) There is nothing wrong in setting up separate networks for Pakistani Muslim spies in the city.
(H) There is nothing wrong in building separate graveyards for Hindus murdered in Kashmir by Kashmiri Muslims.
(I) There is nothing wrong in building separate mental homes for Hindus raped in Bangladesh by Bangladeshi Muslims.
*****
Slogans Dear Slogans
The reasons for communists mouthing certain hugely popular communist slogans are analysed here.
Cholchhe Na Cholbe Na (meaning ‘not running, will never run’). Because
(A) The communists have run up against roadblocks.
(B) The communists are running away from all problems.
(C) The communists are running out of all ideas.
(D) The communists have been run over by ideology.
Bhengey Dao Gundiye Dao (meaning ‘break down, crush down’). Because
(A) In the quarter century of communist rule in West Bengal, law and order has broken down completely.
(B) The dreams and aspirations of millions of young, energetic men and women have been crushed down completely.
(C) The work culture of the state has been broken down, crushed down, and the remains scattered over the Bay of Bengal.
(D) All forms of decent, civilised behaviour have been crushed down completely.
Manchhi Na Manbo Na (meaning ‘we are not agreeing, we will never agree’). Because
(A) The delicate constitutions of Bengalis have not agreed with red-hot communist chillies.
(B) The starving workers of thousands of locked out factories and shut down small-scale units have not agreed with communist work culture.
(C) The interviewers at interviews for jobs for have not agreed with the communist education policy (which has resulted in extremely poor English speaking skills of students of state government schools, which in turn has resulted in them failing to answer the simplest of questions in interviews).
(D) The dying patients at run-down, mongrel-infested government hospitals with absentee doctors, non-functioning equipments and expired medicine, have not agreed with communist public health culture.
Inquilab Zindabad (meaning ‘long live revolution’). Because
(A) The communist satellites’ continuous revolutions around Muslim fundamentalists are powered by long-life batteries.
(B) Under the great white communist revolution, the faces of West Bengal’s policemen turn white from brown whenever they come face to face with criminals.
(C) Under the great blue communist revolution, the blood of (a majority of) West Bengal’s intellectuals have turned blue from red.
(D) Under the great yellow communist revolution, the brains of government employees have been filled up with yellow matter, replacing grey matter.
(E) Under the great green communist revolution, instead of crops, West Bengal’s farmlands have started growing shopping malls, flyovers, housing estates, and multiplexes.
(F) Under the great arithmetical communist revolution, in West Bengal elections, in thousands of booths, comrade candidates receive more votes in a booth than the number of eligible voters.
Lal Selam (meaning ‘red salute’). Because
(A) Communist faces turn red (in joy) whenever the piggy leaders from India’s two piggy neighbouring countries come for a visit.
(B) Communist hands turn red whenever they receive payments from Saudi Arabia for services rendered.
(C) Communist asses blush red whenever Chinese communist party officials come for a visit.
(D) Communist mouths turn red (in fury) whenever they start their standard diatribes against American imperialism.
(E) Communist ears turn red (in pleasure) whenever they hear anyone or anything denigrating Hinduism.
*****
Et Tu Pokhran-2
For those who think Billy is a favourite name of ram goats, Shakespeare is a variety of pear, the above means – You too Pokhran-2. Uttered by Julius P.P. Caesar, emperor of RoMeow, when he was stabbed by B.I. Brutus. Here P.P. stands for Pokhran-2 Protestors and B.I. stands for Brutal Indian.
Now, Julius P.P. Caesar after getting stabbed by B.I. Brutus did not die. Instead he and his faithful wife Julia P.P. Caesar gave birth to a baby called Masturbation.
For those innocent readers who are ignorant of the meaning of above word, here goes. Masturbation – Stimulation of one’s own genitals (i.e. penis-glans/pubes-vulva-clitoris) with the help of one’s own (or one’s master’s/servant’s/bedfellow’s) hands/palms/fingers/tongues. Now, would-be masturbators feeling sympathy for poor fruit-sellers may also use bananas (after peeling those) or watermelons (after de-skinning those).
[Note: The watermelons are sold by poor Pakistani pigs. The bananas are sold by Bangladeshi bastard babies.]
Now, Mr. & Mrs. Julia P.P. Caesar gave birth to more new babies, younger siblings of Masturbation. Masturbation’s new younger siblings and their significance are as follows.
(A) Gasturbation: Gas farting as (an aid to) Masturbation. The gas generated by Pokhran-2 tests/blasts entered the stomachs of P.P. cum M.G.F. (Masters in Gas Farting). Whenever a Gasturbator came in penis to penis / pubes to pubes / penis to pubes / pubes to penis contact with a Pakistani/Bangladeshi, it exposed its thing and rubbing the thing vigorously, cooled the hot Pakistani/Bangladeshi penis/pubes with the help of gas emanating from the hole in the thing.
(B) Jasturbation: Journalism as (an aid to) Masturbation. The black fumes emanating from Pokhran-2 had blackened the penises and pubeses of P.P. cum Indian Journalists. In the pure white pages of their newspapers/magazines/journals/dailies/weeklies/fortnightlies/monthlies, the Jasturbators began to expose the evil designs behind Pokhran-2. With the help of their blackened penises/pubeses. (Solution for the problem faced by women journalists – 1. She could borrow a male colleague’s penis after he had finished, rub it on her pubes to blacken it, and then use it for the holy mission. 2. She could always contort her pubes into the shape of a penis. (Yes, yes, there are special women journalists, who are such great contortionists. They can even contort themselves into any role they find suitable.)
(C) Fasturbation: (Fucking India really) Fast (as an aid to) Masturbation. The threat emanating from Pokhran-2 turned many western nation leaders into Fasturbators (cum sprinters). Now, fast means 5,000 – 10,000 r.p.m. (For those who have forgotten their school physics, r.p.m. means revolutions per minute.) Now, US President Mr. Lewinsky was the fastest Fasturbator out off the blocks (in the Fuck India sprint competition). Mr. Lewinsky Fasturbated at the maximum possible10,000 r.p.m. (1,000 times faster than when he had done it with Ms. Monica). Mr. Pommy of Britain and Ms. Nippy of Japan followed Mr. Lewinsky close behind. They Fasturbated at 7,500 r.p.m. Mr. Kanga Roo of Australia and Ms. Candy Mon Tree of Canada followed next. They Fasturbated at 5,000 r.p.m.
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