101 Tips for Traveling with a Vampire
By Joleene Naylor
& Jonathan Harvey
First Smashwords Edition, 2010
Second Smashwords Edition 2012
Copyright 2010 - 2012 by Joleene Naylor & Jonathan Harvey
Cover design copyright Joleene Naylor 2010. All rights reserved.
Internal photos/illustrations Joleene Naylor and Jean Naylor
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Other books by Joleene Naylor:
Amaranthine:
Shades of Gray
Legacy of Ghosts
Ties of Blood
How to Get a Cheap Book Cover
Also look for Vampire Morsels; free short stories.
Other books by Jonathan Harvey:
Shades of Plaid
Ramblings from the Darkness at www.JoleeneNaylor.com
You never know what you’ll find in the shadows…..
Pseudo Inspirationalism at http://jissilly.com/
Special thanks to Charles and Chris for their suggestions.
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Second Edition Notes:
The Second Edition has a new introduction, a sneak peek of book 4 in the Amaranthine series and includes publishing credit to Jonathan Harvey, who wrote at least 1/3 of these tips. Check out his other (non-vampire) work at http://jissilly.com/.
Thanks for reading,
Joleene Naylor
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It’s been two years and it’s time to revamp this little freebie. That includes a new introduction.
Who am I? My name is Katelina and even though I’m ‘hanging’ with the vampires, I’m not thirteen. Or twelve. Or even sixteen. Just because there’s a bunch of teen vampire books, everyone thinks that you have to be a teenager to like vampires.
I am not a teenager.
Now that I’ve got that off my chest we can get on with this little intro.
Vampires. I’m dating one. In fact, I’m living with one. His name is Jorick and he’s – wait. I guess I shouldn’t give too much away, in case you’ve never read the series. I will say that the vampires I’m hanging out with aren’t very modern-Hollywood. They’re a bit old school. They hiss and snarl sometimes, they like to kill each other and they fry in the sunlight.
Before you ask, yes! This makes it hard to take Jorick to meet my family. Not that we have a lot of time for that, between all the coven wars and generalized rushing around. That’s something else these vampires do: Travel.
A lot.
Thanks to all that traveling, I’ve become something of an expert about road tripping with the undead. Rather than let all of this knowledge go to waste, I’m presenting you with 101 Tips for Traveling with a Vampire – which is a numbered list of 101 Tips.
What? A numbered list? Yeah. This is just something fun to waste five or ten minutes. If you’re traveling with a vampire, you might find this useful. Heck, even if you’re not, there might be a few tips you can use. Maybe not. Maybe you’re already a travel expert. In which case, feel free to send me some pointers because I see an international trip in my future.
Now for…
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101 Tips for Traveling with a Vampire
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1. Vampires don’t sparkle in the sun; they burn to a crisp. Putting sun block on them won’t help.
2. Your vampire friend doesn’t need sunlight, but you do. You should try to get a little every day, even if you only stick your head outside for a minute.
3. If you enjoy travel photography, then you need a camera with a bright flash, a tripod, manual settings, a high ISO and/or a good night lens. Otherwise your vacation snaps will be more boring than usual.
4. If your photos do come back indistinguishable, don’t force people to look at them. Regular vacation photos are boring enough, but blurry, black ones are worse, even if you play the “guess what this is” game.
5. Vampires don’t go into “blood lust” every time they feed, anymore than you turn into a ravenous animal at dinner time. The whole thing is really boring to watch. You might as well you stay at the motel and watch TV.
6. Like reptiles, vampires who haven’t fed are only as warm as their surroundings. Don’t attempt to snuggle one in extreme cold. You will be sorry.
7. Make sure that you occasionally get away from your vampire and their creepy, undead world. You need to keep in contact with normal living people, otherwise you’ll end up being weird and scary. Do you really want to find yourself saying, “This stuff is overpriced. Someone should find the manager and rip his heart out”?
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LODGING
8. Hopefully, your vampire isn’t too cheap to spring for motels, but, if money is tight, you can save cash by staying with his friends. If you have to sleep in a coffin, try to go for an old wooden one. It’s less likely to be airtight and you don’t want to suffocate. For extra air, prop the lid open an inch or two by stuffing a rolled up sock under it.
9. Depending on the season, you might be able to save money by camping, though, it’s pretty hard to get a coffin in a tent.
10. Motels will not give you a discount because your friend is “dead”, so don’t ask.
11. If you’re in the middle of a vampire war, as opposed to traveling for fun, it’s best to find motels with individual, outdoor entrances to the rooms. This makes for a faster getaway. Besides, it’s hard to explain to the management why there’s an attacking horde in the hallway.
12. Before you snuggle down in that motel bed, do a mental check to see where the sunlight is going to be come morning so you don’t wake up to a bed of ashes. Your vampire will probably handle this, but it never hurts to double check.
13. If you have money to spare, a room with two beds can be a safer because the second bed is farther from the window than the bed in a single room. Remember, sunlight is bad.
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PACKING & HYGIENE
14. Pack light. You never know when you might have to run from an attack by enemy vampires, and it’s easier to run without bulky luggage.
15. When packing, use a duffle bag instead of a suitcase; a duffle bag can double as a pillow, while a suitcase is very uncomfortable to sleep on.
16. If your trip is for leisure, then take some books – or a laptop - for those sunny moments while you’re waiting for your friend to wake up.
17. If you, or your vampire, are in the middle of a coven war, then invest in a folding shovel. Contrary to popular belief, vampires don’t turn to dust when you kill them, and you don’t want to leave a string of unburied bodies behind.
18. Always pack an extra pair of shoes. For some reason shoes seem to disappear and are hard to come by.
19. Always dress for the weather. Vampires are fairly impervious to hot and cold, and have no trouble dragging you through extreme temperatures.
20. Yeah, your vampire friend may not sweat, but they still need to shower. If they forget this, don’t try to remind them by suggesting they “smell like something dead”.
21. So, what do you do when you’re in a motel shower and – surprise – there’s no little bar of soap? If you packed shampoo you can always use that like body gel. However, conditioner doesn’t work so well.
22. If you forgot the shampoo, you can always use soap on your hair. Doing that a lot will dry it out, though, so only use it in emergencies (like to get that clotted gore loose).
23. Vampires don’t need TP – but you do! Keep a roll on hand, or even a travel pack of Kleenexes, for emergencies.
24. A container of wet wipes can be very handy; you can use it to freshen up after sleeping in an abandoned barn, or to dab that splattered blood off of your face. On the plus side, there’s a fresh clean scent for you to enjoy!
25. Bottled water isn’t only good to drink, it’s handy for cleaning up messes; everything from left over carnage to those melted junior mints you accidentally sat on.
26. Need to do laundry, but the Laundromat is closed by the time you get up? You can use body soap, or even bar soap, and wash your clothes in the bathtub. If you use scented body gel, they’ll smell nice.
27. A bottle of peroxide will get that pesky blood out of your clothes or carpet. This isn’t recommended for big messes because a lot of bottles can add up and look suspicious!
28. If your luggage starts to smell a bit “blah”, you can freshen it up by dropping a dryer sheet into the bottom of your bag. Do not try to “freshen up” your vampire friend by dropping one into his coffin. He won’t think it’s funny.
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TRAVELING BY CAR
29. Don’t make the mistake of imagining that a “road trip” is going to be a cross between the movies “Roadtrip” and “Interview with a Vampire”, because it’s far more boring than that.
30. You might think that only being able to drive at night will cut into your travel time, but there’s usually at least eight hours of darkness. How long do you really want to be trapped in a car with someone?
31. Unless you’re an eight year old, Twinkies are not a meal. Remember that gas stations also sell things like milk and cheese. Some even sell fresh fruit.
32. Your vampire may think they know where they’re going, but it doesn’t hurt to have a map. Depending on where the car came from, there might be one in the glove box already!
33. Before you leave for a night of driving, make sure you’ve both “eaten”. It’s harder than you think to catch an unwary person at a truck stop.
34. However, if your vampire asks for your help in luring his lunch, your answer should always be no.
35. While driving, your vampire will probably not stop for bathroom breaks unless you remind them. So, remind them!
36. You and your vampire may not agree on music, but you need to share the radio, even if that means - *ugh* - turning it off sometimes.
37. Vampires may not get lung cancer, but you will. If you have a chain smoking vampire friend, tell them to put that window down!
38. Before you open that snack bag of Doritos, ask yourself this: Are you eating because you’re hungry, or because you’re bored? You can gain a lot of weight by giving into the “bored munchies”.
39. You may be desperate for entertainment, and “I Spy” might have been fun on school field trips back in the day, but it’s pretty hard to play in the dark. “I spy, something that is… black.” Yeah.
40. You may notice that most road side attractions are closed at night. Resist the temptation to have your vampire break in. You might really want to see that Museum of Military History, but they have pesky security systems. How are you going to explain it to the police?
41. Most towns have a Wal-Mart, and most Wal-Marts are now Super Centers, and most Super Centers are open 24 hours. Yeah, pretty handy for getting things like First Aid Cream at two A.M.
42. Make sure that you have change in case you come to a toll booth. Sure, you might be able to go around them, but the attendants usually call the cops. Besides, ditch hopping is bad on the car’s shocks.
43. When you and your vampire get the inevitable ticket, you may find that your vampire friend gets annoyed. You will not help matters by whispering, “Just take the ticket and shut up before I stake you!”
44. It doesn’t hurt to have a paid membership in a roadside assistance club; however, you might want to ask your vampire friend where they got the car before you use that assistance. If they stole it from a victim, things could go bad fast!
45. You may think it’s funny, but your vampire friend probably doesn’t want to go visit the “Mighty Cave of Bats”. Give that little roadside attraction a miss.
46. Make sure to time out your drive so that you’re at your destination before the sun rises. Being trapped in the car all day under a pile of luggage and floor mats is no fun for your vampire friend; and you can’t sneak them inside, wrapped in a rug, without someone calling the police.
47. If you’re traveling on a budget, you can save money by filling a cooler with ice and soda. It might even be nice to stock a little treat for your vampire friend, but make sure the bottle is resealable. You don’t want blood leaking out all over your Coke cans.
48. Also, refrigerated blood only lasts a couple of days, and, no, you can’t just stroll into a blood bank and ask for some, so your friend is going to have to feed. Make sure it’s not on you.
49. Don’t leave drink bottles or food wrappers all over the car, unless you want your vampire friend to start leaving dead animal carcasses lying around.
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TRAVELING BY BOAT
50. Boats can be a slower. more expensive way to travel, but it may be easier for your vampire friend.
51. Foreign travel has a lot of security regulations, so let your vampire friend make your travel arrangements, especially if they have a knack for “getting people to see things their way” – or manipulating them, whatever you want to call it.
52. When traveling by boat with a vampire, cheaper really is better – the cheaper the cabin, the smaller the window. (This also means the room is smaller too, so make sure you’re both ready to share a tiny space for several days).
53. If you can, try to opt for a lower deck, inside cabin. Yeah, it’s further away from the common areas, but that’s a good thing.
54. If you’re getting ready to travel by boat for the first time, take some sea sick pills with you, just in case. One of you needs to function rationally in the daytime.
55. Before you step foot on the ship, work out a few ground rules with your vampire; especially how they plan to get their nightly meal. Who will they be feeding on? Pets or people? When? Do you need to be involved? A plan of action is always a good idea.
56. It is also a good idea to put several people on the “No meal” list, such as the captain, any essential personnel or high profile passengers, and of course, yourself. Your vampire doesn’t need to kill someone to drink from them, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
57. You may notice that most ships board in the daytime. You might be able to get around this with a big enough bribe. If not, turn it over to your vampire friend, as they can undoubtedly solve the problem easier than you.
58. Once you’re on the ship, make sure that your vampire friend makes an appearance once the sun goes down. It will help keep the other passengers and staff from being suspicious.
59. If your fellow cruise passengers do get suspicious about your vampire’s absence in the day time, you can always say that your friend is sea sick. Do not, under any circumstances, say that they are quarantined with some horrific disease. It may seem funny, but you won’t think so when you’re all taken into custody by a foreign government as bio terrorists.
60. When your fellow passengers want to know why your “friend” isn’t eating, just tell them that he’s allergic to gluten. Most people have no idea what that is.
61. Vampires can eat food; they can chew it, they can swallow it, and, on rare occasion, they can even keep it down for some time. However, it isn’t staying down, so if your vampire has to eat, make sure to give them some space afterwards.
62. Your vampire probably won’t be able to get their coffin in your cabin – or even on the ship – and large, old fashioned trunks are pretty much out. The best bet for your vampire’s safety is a roll of garbage bags, some duct tape and a stint in the closet or under the bed during the day. Unless you were smart and got that cheap, windowless cabin.
63. Don’t forget to put the sign on the door to keep the cleaning people OUT of your cabin. It’s hard to explain to a hysterical maid why you have someone in your closet who looks dead.
64. Make sure to tip EVERYONE: porters, maids, waiters, the cabin boy, etc. The happier the staff is with you, the less likely they are to go poking around.
65. Though it might put a damper on your social life, stay as close to your cabin as you can during the daytime. This will help ensure your vampire friend’s safety.
66. Your vampire may not be one for technology and, since there’s usually only one outlet per ship cabin, that’s a good thing. Keep it that way, and both plug-ins are yours.
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TRAVELING BY AIR
67. The easiest way to travel by air is to hire a private plane with a pilot who doesn’t ask a lot of questions. Your vampire will probably know how to find that.
68. If your vampire has lost his connections (there can be a lot of reasons for that), you might have to take commercial transportation. In that case, only travel by plane if you absolutely have to. In other words, if it’s to a different continent.
69. If you have to take a commercial plane, it might be best to pass your vampire friend off as a dead body. If your vampire objects to this, remind them that they don’t need to breathe, so they’ll be fine. Make sure that you don’t sound condescending or add anything like, “you’re already dead, so it doesn’t matter!” This won’t win the argument.
70. There are certain regulations that have to be followed for transporting dead bodies, especially internationally. If your vampire knows the right people, he can probably get high quality forgeries of the paperwork for a song. However, he will still have to travel by coffin in the cargo hold.
71. The cargo hold can be very, very cold. And, sure, your vampire seems impervious to cold, but there’s a difference between cold and sub zero. Make sure that your vampire is dressed warmly inside their coffin. You’ll all be happier that way.
72. To minimize the likelihood of your vampire getting lost, and multiple baggage claim issues, try not to book a flight with layovers. If possible, drive to the airport you need to leave from, and then drive, or take boats, to your destination once you’re across the ocean.
73. Since you already have to check your vampire as cargo, travel light so you don’t have to mess with checking – and later claiming – luggage on top of it. The more items you can realistically wear, the fewer you have to pack. Don’t be afraid to layer, but don’t overdo it. Three shirts, jeans, a skirt, knee socks, a sweater and a winter coat look a little weird, especially in May.
74. Because you’ll have the added hassle of checking your “deceased person”, arrive at the airport at least six hours before your flight leaves. And bring a book.
75. To make the security check in easier, make sure that your shoes are slip on, and that you have no jewelry, or metal items in your pockets. If you can completely empty your pockets, all the better. You have enough weirdness going on, you need one thing to go smoothly.
76. The onboard meals and drinks are generally pretty laughable, so if you’re going to be hungry or thirsty, bring your own. Remember, you have to purchase it after you’ve gone through the check in stations. You won’t get far if you have several ham sandwiches and bottles of soda in your purse.
77. The most important thing you can do while on the flight is remain calm. Acting anxious, or asking the stewardess if she’s sure that your “dead uncle Fred is okay back there?” will just upset everyone else and make you look really weird.
78. The first thing you should do when you get to your destination is make sure that your vampire got shipped properly. Lost luggage is one thing. A lost vampire is something else.
79. Have a plan to get from the airport to your next destination; whether it’s a taxi, a bus or a rental car. Remember, some drivers may not be too excited about transporting the coffin.
80. Let your vampire out of their coffin as soon as possible. If you timed your flight right, you might even arrive on foreign soil after dark! Be prepared to deal with a really bad mood. For instance, rather than shouting, “You?! What about me! Do you have any idea what a hassle this was?!”, try to be tolerant and remember that your vampire friend just spent several hours in an uncomfortable box, with no heat, playing “dead”.
81. Vampires can stay awake all day, and after extensive traveling – especially by plane – they may have done just that. They need a lot of blood to make up for it, so a detour to some out of the way farm might not be a bad idea.
82. Unless you’re planning on hauling the zinc lined coffin around, you may want to sell it. There’s probably a local vampire network that would be happy to take it off your hands for a reasonable price.
83. When making the return trip, be sure to have different paperwork for a different dead body, and use not only a different airport, but also a different airline. Things start to look really weird otherwise.
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TRAVELING BY TRAIN
84. Vampires do not travel by trains, unless they have no other choice, and then, only in a sleeper car. If you’ve ever traveled by train, then you’ll know why.
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FOREIGN TRAVEL
85. Passports can be expensive. If you’re on a tight budget, make your vampire friend pay for part of it. They usually have a stash of money hidden out somewhere.
86. Make copies of all your important documents (i.e. your passport and any identification you and your vampire friend might be using) and keep them in a safe place on your person. Should you lose your luggage, you’ll be glad you did. It’s much easier than letting your vampire “deal with” the embassy personnel himself.
87. No matter where you go, there’s bound to be an underground group of vampires. If your vampire friend is not wanted for some crime against their own species, contact this local group as soon as possible. They can be helpful in everything from finding accommodations to coffin rentals.
88. If you go with your vampire to meet the local undead, watch what you say. You may think that the joke about the vampire, the werewolf and the zombie meeting up in the bar is funny, but don’t tell it.
89. If the local vampire population isn’t friendly – or if you told that bad joke about the vampire and the zombie – you might need to defend yourself. Do not make the mistake of waving garlic cloves at the attacking vampires. It will only insult them further.
90. Likewise, holding a cross up at a vampire isn’t going to do anything, unless you think you can trade it for your life. You never know, they might be a collector.
91. If you have to kill a vampire, remember that there’s a lot of blood in a body, especially as it spreads. After you kill one, step away quickly, or you’ll leave footprints, and modern forensics can do a lot with footprints.
92. The center of all vampiredom on earth is not in Transylvania, so if you’ve traveled there to see it, then be prepared for disappointment.
93. Your vampire is also probably not interested in any of the foreign “vampire tours” at any number of “vampire hot spots”. Don’t book one.
94. By its very definition, foreign food is foreign. You may think that you’ll be safe with a cheeseburger from McDonalds – after all, what can they do to a cheeseburger? – but you’d be surprised. If you have a delicate stomach, always ask about what’s in something before you order it.
95. “Don’t drink the water” may seem like an old cliché, but it isn’t. Don’t drink the local water. You’re not used to the microbes in it, and if you think your vampire is impatient now, wait until you’re sick and can’t get out of the bathroom and then you’ll see what real impatience is.
96. Most of the world speaks English now, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, however it’s better if you AND your vampire friend have a handle on at least a few useful phrases in the local language. It could make all the difference between “where is the beach?” and “are you willing to buy my human for twenty dollars?”
97. Remember that a foreign country is going to be just that – foreign. If it wasn’t, then it would be home, and you wouldn’t be on a trip. So, relax and go with the flow. However, if your vampire friend tells you that you need to remove your clothes as part of some local custom, don’t fall for it. They’re making that up.
98. The best time to ask your vampire for money is when they’ve just come back from feeding. Who are they trying to kid with that “only animals” stuff? And don’t let them tell you that they don’t clean out their victims pockets. Where do you think all that wrinkled cash is coming from?
99. If you brought your cell phone with you, then put it in the bottom of your bag and leave it. Your vampire friend may have money stashed away, but he’s probably not going to pay a monster bill because you wanted to call your friends from the Sistine Chapel.
100. You may need to occasionally remind your vampire of things like security cameras. It’s hard to explain to the police why your vampire was throwing someone around like they were rag dolls and then tried to rip their heart out. Police, both foreign and domestic, frown on those kinds of things.
101. Before you buy souvenirs, ask yourself if it’s something you really need. After all, once you buy it you’ll have to carry it around with you until you get home. Packing light and then buying several bags worth of junk doesn’t make much sense, does it?
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So there it is. 101 tips for traveling with a vampire. I wish I’d had a list like this before I got caught up in the world of the undead. It would have made things much easier. In the spirit of further helping my fellow humans in their day-to-day human/vampire relationships, I am adding “Super-Duper Bonus Twenty-Five Tips for Dealing with Your Vampire”
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25 Tips for Dealing with Your Vampire
1. Unless your vampire is determined to be cliché, they won’t dress in a cape and moan about the burdens of immortality.
2. Vampires tend to be selfish creatures. After all, only someone who’s self absorbed and egotistical thinks they’re good enough to live forever.
3. Vampires don’t have to kill someone to feed off of them and, if the vampire has special abilities, they can even make their victim forget about it, so be on the lookout for strange bite marks. You don’t want to just be a mobile snack.
4. Whether you like your vampire friend’s hairstyle or not, it’s best to get used to it. Sure, they can cut it but, when they get up tomorrow, it will be right back.
5. Most vampires have excellent hearing. So, though you may think you’re out of range, muttering, “just wait until I get a stake, you bloodsucker!” is not a good idea.
6. It’s not that your vampire doesn’t want to change into a bat in front of you, it’s that they can’t, so quit bugging them about it.
7. You may find that your vampire has an aversion to technology. If that’s the case, try to bring them into the world of gadgets slowly. Before you do, consider whether it’s necessary. Do you really want your vampire friend on Twitter?
8. You might like holidays, but by the time your vampire friend is on Christmas number 522, he’s probably sick of it. Don’t be surprised if your ideas for holiday celebrations are met with a less than enthusiastic attitude.
9. The same goes with birthdays. After number 300, they can get kind of boring. Besides, vampires don’t eat cake.
10. If you and your vampire do celebrate holidays, you may find they want to do weird, old fashioned things like tell ghost stories at Christmas. Try to be tolerant of their strange ideas.
11. Before you buy your vampire friend an undead rubber ducky as a gift, make sure they have a sense of humor.
12. It isn’t going to help you to get all squeamish and hysterical when your vampire friend butchers an opposing coven, or chooses to solve problems by killing or snacking on someone. Your friend is a vampire. You should have expected this before you got involved. It’s a little late to think about it now.
13. Even so, it may be hard, at first, to make the transition from a normal human, into someone who can handle the idea of killing vampires, or watching vampires get killed. If you think of the other vampires as movie extras, or evil puppets, the transition can be easier.
14. Don’t be surprised if you have to explain to your vampire that purchasing a new casket is not what you had in mind when you suggested furniture shopping.
15. Vampires do not consider rabbits “fast food”. And they may not think that joke is funny, either.
16. If you happen to have a vampire friend that’s too remorseful and guilt ridden to feed on humans, don’t call them a “wimp” or a “whiner”. What if you manage to convince them that killing is okay?
17. Just because your vampire friend doesn’t need to go to the gym, or diet or jog, or exercise, is no reason to call them an “undead freak!” It may not seem fair, especially when you can’t get your jeans to fasten, but it’s not nice.
18. Don’t ask your vampire to “turn you”. If they want you around for eternity, chances are they’ll suggest it themselves. It is a big commitment.
19. Your vampire has lived a long time and may not want to talk about their past. There might be a reason for that.
20. Conversely, once they get started, they might ramble on for a long, long time. Try to nod along and act interested, even if you’re brains are bored into jelly. After all, you asked.
21. You may or may not need to update your vampire friend’s wardrobe. If you do, don’t go about it by saying things like, “Your clothes suck! You look like you just stepped out of a tomb/crypt/horror movie/renaissance fair/etc.”
22. On the other hand your vampire may be cooler than you. In that case you might want to tone them down a little before people start wondering what they see in you.
23. Vampires don’t have to breathe, but if your friend wants to fit in with humanity, they better put out the effort. Keep an eye on them and, if they forget, try to remind them subtly. A hard pinch to the inner thigh isn’t exactly subtle.
24. Yes, your vampire can’t die easily but, should calamity strike in front of people, there’s nothing wrong with them playing dead. Think about what your friends and family will say if your vampire gets hit by a car and immediately leaps to his feet and pounds the driver’s head into the steering wheel.
25. Finally, should you choose to end the relationship, remember that a good old fashioned stake to the heart will do it, but, really, you should consider other options first. I know, there’s not a lot of “couples counseling” out there for vampire-human relationships, but come on. Murder is a bit of an extreme way to say “It’s over”.
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I hope this list has been helpful to someone. If you’re hanging out with vampires too, then hit me up. Maybe we can start a group. It could be fun. We could compare scars and share horror stories and…
On second thought, maybe not.
Thanks for reading! If you’d like to learn more about Katelina and her adventures, please visit www.JoleeneNaylor.com
Read on for a sneak peek of book four in the Amaranthine series.
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Jorick and Katelina followed a set of stairs to a cement room rimmed in metal doors and security lights. Yellow caution stripes were painted on the walls and block letters announced “Authorized Personnel Only” and “Warning: Dangerous Specimens”.
Jorick surveyed the words. “Either they had high hopes or Kale isn’t their first brush with a nonhuman entity.”
“You don’t really think so? Not in Michigan?”
He shrugged and sniffed for Kale’s scent. Katelina still wasn’t used to the idea that vampires could smell one another, or that they had a sort of sixth sense that told them when someone was nearby. But then there were a lot of things she wasn’t used to.
“Ah.”
Katelina followed Jorick’s gaze. The door at the back of the room was covered in diamond shaped warning labels. If not for the seriousness of the situation they would have been comical. One had an injured hand with blood dripping from it crossed out, while a second showed a pair of swirly eyes and warned against “vampire hypnosis”. A third showed the black silhouette of a human head with large white fangs where the mouth belonged. “Warning: Vampires may be more dangerous than they appear. Exercise caution at all times”.
“My God, Jorick, where would they get a sticker like that?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps they made it.” He ran his hand around the door and then, with a shrug, tried the handle. Surprisingly, it swung open on silent hinges. “Someone forgot to lock up.” Though he joked, his eyes held guarded caution.
There was a switch just inside the door. Jorick pressed it and fluorescent tube lights snapped to life, illuminating another cement room with yellow and red warnings. The middle of the back wall was thick Plexiglas, like a window in a zoo cage. Inside she could see Kale. He stood with his palms pressed against the Plexiglas. If she hadn’t known who it was, she might not have recognized him. His blonde hair hung limp around his haggard face and his skin cleaved to his bones. She knew the cause: lack of blood. She’d seen the effects before, though they had been worse.
Kale regarded them with a mixture of curiosity and animosity. His eyes glittered dangerously in his shrunken face, and Katelina thought of Jorick’s warnings. Maybe she should have stayed in the van.
Jorick approached the trapped vampire and rapped on the Plexiglas with his knuckles. Kale tapped the glass in return. They couldn’t hear the sound.
A red button was on the wall to the right, below what looked like a speaker. Jorick pressed it. “Kale?”
The vampire inside nodded vigorously and tapped the glass again. Apparently it wasn’t a speaker, but a microphone.
“We’re going to get you out,” Jorick said simply.
Kale nodded again and the animosity in his eyes turned to hope.
Oren walked through the door and looked from one to the other. “The alarms?”
“Disabled. The question is how to get to Kale. Obviously the wall is strong enough to hold him in and us out.”
Oren cocked his head. ”Maybe. Kale isn’t much older than I am, but you’re older and stronger than both of us.”
While they discussed the next move, Katelina examined their surroundings. One side of the room was occupied by a bank of cupboards and counters. She opened them to find rubber gloves, masks and heavy white over gowns. There were also several glass containers and pointy silver instruments that seemed better suited to a surgery center. She shut the doors quickly, and noticed that the conversation had changed.
“-he’s been here since the twelfth,” Oren said. “Or that’s what the doctor wrote on his applications for research grants.”
Katelina mentally calculated the days. That was only nine days ago. They’d just seen him at The Guild’s citadel a day or two before that. He’d had to have been kidnapped almost the minute he got home!
“I imagine all of the actual research is down here,” Oren continued as his eyes made a circle of the room. “It seems uncannily well prepared.”
Jorick sounded tense, “I’ve been thinking the same thing. Either they’ve had a vampire in captivity before or-”
“Or someone is helping them who knows too much,” Oren finished. “We can discuss this later, the matter at hand is how to free him.”
Jorick moved back to the Plexiglas wall. To the left was a door covered in warnings and red letters. Beside it was a keypad and slot to swipe a keycard. He studied both and commented, “I find it odd that there’s no guard on duty.”
“Yes. It’s too quiet and everything has been too easy.”
“Unless they aren’t expecting a rescue. They could be under the impression that vampires are just wild animals.” Jorick’s nose wrinkled in disgust. “It wouldn’t be a new idea.”
Kale looked as impatient as Katelina felt. “Are you going to get him out or what?”
Oren glared at her. “Be silent and let him think!”
“You!” She turned to the nearest cupboard and slammed the door open. Her anger turned into smugness; on the back of the door hung a keycard on a silver ring. She snagged it from the hook and held it up. “Maybe this would help?”
Oren snatched it from her and strode towards the door. Kale nodded enthusiastically and mouthed something they couldn’t hear. Oren swiped the card and a tiny beep sounded. He reached for the door handle. Kale suddenly shook his head emphatically. Before anyone noticed his reaction, the door was open and a high pitched alarm screamed.
“The code!” Kale shouted as he burst through the door and gestured to the keypad . “You have to swipe the card and type a code in!”
Oren swore loudly and Jorick shouted back, “What’s the code?”
“I don’t know!” Kale’s wide eyes shot around the room. “Forget it! Let’s get out of here!”
Jorick hesitated and then agreed. He hurried to Katelina and flung her over his shoulder. She shouted that she had feet, but he ignored her and raced through the door, Kale on his heels. Oren stayed behind. As they ran for the stairs, she could hear the sound of smashing glass.
They dashed through the empty building and burst through the front doors into the night. Jorick ran for the van, much faster than Katelina could have gone on her own, Kale keeping pace. They’d almost reached it when wailing sirens and flashing lights came into view.
Jorick groaned. “You have to be joking!”
Hectia suddenly stepped into the light. She was wearing the same swishy coat Katelina had last seen her in. The dark young woman at her side was new. “It’s the police! I didn’t agree to this!”
“Then go!” Jorick jerked the van’s driver door open and shoved Katelina inside like a sack of contraband. “The last thing we need is a fledgling, anyway!”
“That fledgling just helped you!” Hectia shrieked, but she swallowed further argument and grabbed the young woman’s arm. “Come on Jordan, they’re on their own now.”
Jorick’s attention was drawn to the cop car that squealed to a stop. The doors popped open and, like pastry from a toaster, two cops followed, their guns out, the doors in front of them like shields.
“Step away from the vehicle and put your hands up!” One of them leveled his weapon at Jorick and Kale.
Katelina whimpered, but Jorick only forced her deeper into the cab. “Be quiet and stay down!”
The officer shouted his instructions again and Jorick raised his hands. He met Kale’s eyes, as if to impart some secret plan. Instead of doing as instructed, Kale bound towards the policeman, snarling. The cop yelled again, his voice high with fear and his gun shaking in his terrified hands.
“Kale!”
The emaciated vampire crashed into the passenger door of the cop car. Gun shots echoed over the screaming alarm and the sirens. Kale’s body jerked at the impact of bullets, and he stumbled backwards. The cop stepped forward, confidence in his eyes, but Kale pulled himself straight and let loose a wordless howl of inhuman rage. He grabbed the car door and ripped it away as though it weighed nothing. The cop screamed and more shots followed. They did nothing to stop Kale. In a single, swift motion he pinned the cop against the car and tore into his throat with his fangs.
Katelina covered her face with her hands. She could hear the second policeman screaming and shouting for back up, his words a tumbled confusion of fear and disbelief. His babble melted into a shriek and she looked to see Oren pin him against the car. The vampire’s lips were curled back from his fangs and he slammed the man’s head against the roof of the vehicle before he snapped his neck.
Oren dropped the body to the snow and turned towards the van as a second car came screeching to a halt some distance away. The doors opened and three more policemen leapt out, their weapons drawn. Without warning, they fired wildly. Few of their bullets hit their mark, and those that did were little more than annoyances.
Katelina stared with wide, horrified eyes. How had it all gone wrong? How had the cops gotten there that fast? She sought Jorick in the bedlam, and wished she hadn’t. He was behind the new arrivals. She watched as he silently pounced. He crushed the first cop’s throat. The other policeman bombarded him with a terrified spattering of bullets. Jorick shouted in anger and grabbed him. He wrenched the gun from his hand and threw it away. Then he slammed the man to the ground. Though Katelina hid her eyes, his screams burned in her ears.
The last shrieks died away and she heard Jorick shout, “Get to the van!”
She looked and again wished she hadn’t. Jorick stood in the bloody snow, holding the limp body of the third cop. Oren and Kale ran towards her. Blood dripped down Kale’s chin and splattered across Oren’s button up shirt.
The sound of an approaching car roared, growing louder with each second. Katelina threw herself out of the driver’s seat just as Kale leapt over it. He landed half in the passenger seat and half on the floor between them, then rolled through the curtain into the relative safety of the back. Before Katelina could shield herself, he was gone and Oren was in the driver’s seat, the keys in the ignition.
A canary yellow sports car tore around the corner and only missed taking off the van’s door by inches as it slid to a stop next to them. Katelina immediately recognized the car, and the redheaded vampire who bounded out of it. It was Verchiel; the Executioner that Jorick hated.
As if to demonstrate his own vampire skills, one minute Verchiel was next to the van and the next he was practically in it, leaning over Oren with a broad, fanged grin on his face. “Making a mess are we?”
Oren’s eyes bulged. “What in the hell are you doing here?”
“Let’s call it a race, and I won. Look! There’s little Kately! How are you? Not injured, I hope?”
“That’s not my name!” Since he’d overheard her mother use that name, he insisted on calling her by it.
Jorick was suddenly there. He grabbed Verchiel and spun him away, slamming him into the van. “You!”
“Well hello! How nice to see you again!” Verchiel let his eyes focus on the carnage behind Jorick. “I see now why they call you The Hand of Death, but really, isn’t this a little sloppy?”
Jorick roared and Verchiel laughed. “I suppose you’ve got him already?” He leveled his gaze with Jorick’s. “I suggest you get out of here as fast as that thing can go. There are more cops on the way and you might be interested to know that Senya and a few of her closest acquaintances should be here any minute to bust your friend out.”
Jorick’s face twitched, but he wordlessly tossed Verchiel aside and climbed into the van. The motor roared and Oren slammed the vehicle into gear. Katelina had a final glimpse of the redheaded Executioner waving cheerfully before they rounded the corner and he disappeared from sight.
Coming 2012
www.JoleeneNaylor.com
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Joleene Naylor grew up in southwest Iowa surrounded by soybeans, corn and very little entertainment – so she made her own. She has been writing and drawing since she was a small child, with a particular leaning towards fantasy, horror and paranormal. It is this love of all that goes bump in the night that led her to write the Amaranthine series.
In her spare time she is a freelance artist and photographer. Her current projects include Legacy of Ghosts, the second in the Amaranthine series and The Terrible Turtle Conspiracy, a web manga collaboration with writer Jonathan Harvey. Joleene maintains a blog full of odd ramblings and hopes to win the lottery. Until she does, she and her husband live near Bolivar Missouri with their dog, cats and turtles. However, unless she starts buying tickets she may never actually win anything.
Ramblings from the Darkness at www.JoleeneNaylor.com
You never know what you’ll find in the shadows…..
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A special bonus sample of Shades of Plaid by Jonathan Harvey.
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Warning: The following story contains material of a horrendous and graphic nature. It is not suitable for impressionable young children, pregnant mothers, elderly people sporting a heart condition, members of PETA, members of the SPCA, bleeding heart tree huggers, or my great Aunt Abigail. You have been warned. This is no joke.
I am a horrible person. Don’t be so quick to shake your head. You have to hear me out. I must live with the fact that I am horrible. I don’t want to be this way. I want to be better. The Lord knows I don’t want to be the monster I am today. The problem is that I can’t help myself. I’m a slave to my own actions, because I suffer from a terrible addiction. Though, I’ve tried my hardest to fight it, I always find myself in need of another fix. I know that I should get some help. I should seek council, but I can’t. Fear paralyzes me and the shame is just too great.
It’s taking every ounce of strength I possess to write this, because I don’t want anyone knowing just how awful I can be. You can only imagine just how hard it is for me to share my dirty little secret with you. I hope when you hear this, and you hear my story, that you won’t hate me. It’s a great fear of mine that you might decide to leave me and never speak to me again. And, please don’t start looking for rotten vegetables to throw at me! Know that I’m sharing this with great hesitation. All right, I guess it’s best that I come right out and say it:
I am a kitten juggler and I’ve been juggling live kittens for several years now.
I knew this was going to happen! Please don’t look at me that way. I didn’t want to become a kitten juggler. Juggling kittens is something I accidentally stumbled upon. Now that I’ve started, I can’t stop. Please let me explain. I just ask that you hear my sad story before you go and make any quick judgments. It could happen to anyone. It could happen to you!
It all began one day at lunch time. I was making one of my favorites: tuna salad. We owned a kitten at the time. I think his name was Mr. Fluffy Knickenbottems. (I know it’s a ridiculous name, but that’s the name he came with.) Anyway, I was mixing the tuna salad when the phone rang. I only left the tuna for a second when Mr. Fluffy Knickenbottems leapt onto the counter and began to eat my lunch. You must understand the difficulty of my position. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast and I was hungry. When I saw Mr. Fluffy Knickenbottems eating my lunch, I snapped.
“Nooooo!” I screamed. (This scared the census taker on the other end of the phone, and he hung up. Unfortunately, I didn’t think of this as good fortune. I was too distracted by the cat.) I rushed over to the counter, grabbed the kitten, and hurled him across the room. At that very moment, I had become a kitten hurler. It was the first step in my most terrible, insidious addiction.
I can’t describe the feeling of power that I got when I hurled that kitten. What a rush! I immediately went after the kitten to hurl it again. The kitten saw me coming and ran for cover under the couch, but I said, “Here kitty, kitty, kitty, sweet kitty.” Kittens are not as smart as people think they are. I got in four good hurls before the cat caught on. (Incidentally, the theory that kittens always land on their feet is disproved when the kitten is hurled at high speeds.) The more I hurled the kitten, the more I wanted to hurl it. It was an awful cycle, but only the gateway to the even worse behavior I practice today.
It was at this time when I remembered reading an ad in the paper that said “Free Kittens for a good home.” I looked up the address and I was on my way. Knowing from experience that kittens weren’t as durable as one might think, I decided to get as many kittens as I could. It took a lot of finagling. I found myself saying terrible things to get my way, such as: “You don’t want to give kittens to that old lady. Old ladies use kittens so they can eat the cat food. It’s cheaper for them.” Yes, I shocked even myself! The worst was when I said, “I think that man owns a Chinese restaurant. Do you really want to let him leave here with cats?” I didn’t make any friends, and I was more than a little underhanded. But, I had an addiction starting; I can’t be held responsible for my actions. Besides, all my villainy had paid off. I went home toting six little kittens.
When I got home I hurled the little black and white kitten straight away. Something was wrong. Not only did it scratch me, but the kitten didn’t hurl the same. I think the kitten was too light to be hurled properly. I was very disappointed. I picked up a second kitten; it was also pretty light. I tossed it into the air a couple of times in order to test its weight. That’s when the wheels in my head started turning; I took two kittens and started tossing them into the air alternately. It was a challenge, but I was getting it down. It was fun, and this way, I would no longer have to chase the kittens. Before I knew it, I was juggling three, then four, then five, and soon all six kittens. It only took me a few short months, but I was starting to get good.
I thought I’d take my new found skills out into the world. This was when I learned that the general populace found kitten juggling wrong and repulsive. That meant I had to find my audience in the underground. I was getting gigs and making money. Over the course of time, my new lifestyle started to get the better of me. I was tired of spending my days in seedy clubs, and ducking the police whenever they did their little raids. Also, I was rubbing elbows with the wrong sort of people. The problem was, I’d become hooked. I’ve tried to quit several times since then, but every time I see a cute little kitten I automatically think of juggling. Pity me, for it’s a sad thing.
Next week, I think I might swallow my pride and go to a KJA (Kitten Jugglers Anonymous) meeting. I heard they have a really good twelve step program. In the meantime, I’m going to do my best to curb my kitten juggling habit. Some friends of mine have removed all the kittens from my home. If they see me approaching a pet store, or a person who has kittens, they’re quick to perform an intervention. It’s good to have a faithful support group, even though the number of true friends seems to be dwindling. The majority of my friends have left me. I’m very thankful for the good ones who have stayed with me. They’re always encouraging me to find something new to help me forget the kittens. I need a new hobby to help occupy my time. Perhaps I can still juggle, but instead of kittens I can juggle more conventional things. I like the sound of that. I can quit this kitten thing and still feel good about keeping my skills up. I think I should start right away. I’ve heard that hamsters are relatively inexpensive and really a challenge. I am so there.
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Jonathan Harvey lives in Kingsland Georgia, and he wants you to know that he is an amazing fellow. What makes him so amazing? He’s one of few people who has done almost everything he wanted to do when he was growing up and has still found time to watch many hours of quality television.
When he was young, he wanted to act. He’s done Community Theater and standup comedy. He’s even performed comic skits on public access television. He also wanted to teach. Since then, he’s taught Sunday school and has been a children’s minister. He wanted to be a writer. He now writes an online comic, The Terrible Turtle Conspiracy, and the Very Unconventional Weekly Journey into Christian Living, Shades of Plaid.
Finally, he wanted to become a ruthless vampire hunter, although he has a sneaking suspicion that this might never happen. However, he finds comfort in the fact that he’s accomplished three of four life goals.
You can find all the information on Jonathan Harvey, including current projects, at his website: http://JisSilly.com