Nonsense and rhymes
Christian Zajdek.
Published by Christian Zajdek at Smashwords.
Copyright 2010 Christian Zajdek.
Discover other titles by Christian Zajdek at Smashwords.com
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
Thank you for downloading this free ebook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form. If you enjoyed this book, please return to Smashwords.com to discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.
*******
Preface
This collection of stories includes 25 nonsensical playful short tales and limericks that are squashed into rigid rhyme schemes. They cover topics ranging from English superstitions to various bizarre misadventures. The rhymes are split up by 5 short stories, which although aimed at children still have resonance with adults, due to being heavily laden with metaphors. Expect fast paced nonsense, and where fitting, meaningful messages. This is a read that is carefree, I shan't mislead, you will find glee, so do please heed, impulsively, any slight need for jollity.
Written for Noah Matthew Roadley-Battin.
*******
Bad day
I saw a black cat but then it died,
I saw a magpie and thus I cried,
I found a penny but passed it by,
I found a dead bird and gave a sigh,
I wore my shirt the wrong way around,
But fixed it once the mistake was found,
I wore my opal ring on this day,
But then recalled I was born in May,
I dropped a teaspoon but had no guest,
I dropped a dishcloth and feared unrest,
I heard a cuckoo but was cashless,
I heard a bark and started to stress,
I took home an old iron horse shoe,
But didn't find it like you're meant to,
I took home a white rose in full bloom,
But then remembered it'll bring forth doom.
*******
Tongue tied
Whenever I lie I seem to get tongue tied,
On the face of it you may well think it's fine,
But it makes me sigh and I have even cried,
As it leads one to a life of poor design,
I hate when people say that lying is bad,
Sometimes it's the best option that is at hand,
For telling the truth can make people feel sad,
Or lead you to enduring things you can't stand,
Like assessing the appearance of a friend,
Being made to read the writings of laymen,
Having to attend a play in the West End,
Or visiting a relative yet again,
I've often done things I'd rather not have done,
Such as kissing an unappealing person,
Or doing stuff that others seem to find fun,
And so I wish to change before things worsen,
I heard there was someone who knew of a cure,
And so I went off so as to find out more,
With time I found the one I was looking for,
They gave advice which was best not to ignore,
I went and put a piece of ice on my tongue,
Hoping I couldn't lie if my mouth was numb,
I even tried eating a bee to get stung,
However my speech suffered as an outcome,
I altered the language in which I express,
Lest English was that with which my plight depends,
With the use of sign language I found success,
But I couldn't communicate with my friends,
I guess that all of my efforts were in vain,
I'll now have to speak words that are genuine,
Endure the consequences and not complain,
Either that or learn to lace my words with spin.
*******
Eleven and a half
To ever be eleven and a half is my one prayer,
For I feel it's an age with which few others do compare,
I'd laugh and play my days away without a single care,
I'd do what I willed even if it wasn't just or fair,
Although eternal youth seems like something we'll never see,
I tried to claim it as you can't say for sure what can't be,
I prayed so long and hard that the gods took note of my plea,
And somehow managed to get them to take pity on me,
When I finally realised I'd got what I'd asked for,
It took me some time to shake my crippling state of awe,
But youth's novelty soon wore off and it became a bore,
It proved best to grow old as I had been doing before,
So I looked to extreme means to escape life as a boy,
I took up smoking because of the health it would destroy,
And tried to gain worry lines by doing things that annoy,
Yet I'm still living this life that I don't really enjoy.
*******
Elizabeth
On this particular day with which we are concerned, El was not her usual lively and carefree self. Her uncharacteristic state had arisen after her two elder sisters went out without her. Their excuse was that they did not want their friends to know she was their sister as they thought that her ways were weird.
El was feeling miserable, and as such made the decision to pass much of the day alone in her room. She vainly wished to be older so she could go out on her own. However, it did her no good and so she took out her favourite book, which was so worn, tattered and torn that the same amount of effort to read it was required to hold and turn its pages. El hoped that the book would transport her far from the wretchedness of the world. Yet no matter how hard she tried, she could not take her thoughts away from her sisters. In the end it was time that proved to be her misery's remedy. So when the evening came, El went downstairs as her usual self.
She walked into the kitchen with a carefree mind, but before she even had time to open her mouth, before she even had time to take in the scene that presented itself, her mother burnt her with stern words. Worse still, her mother left the house with her sisters who were sporting vile smiles, before she had the chance to defend her name. El was left standing alone before a scene of mild destruction, which had evidently been blamed on her. Her fury caused her head to fill with thoughts so chaotic that she felt the need to escape to her sanctuary. It was a place of rare and exquisite beauty, so much so that she was confused as to why it was that more people did not visit it, not that she wanted people to do so.
Her sanctuary was surrounded by untouched lands, the effect of which was that while there she could imagine herself a million miles from anyone else. The location however, was but one element of its beauty. The majority of the beauty took the form of a church ruin that had been sculpted by the relentless battering of time. Whereas the remainder took the form of fragrant wild daisies, a near to complete absence of noise and thick soft grass that made the ground feel like the comfiest of mattresses. If El had not been such an adventurous and outgoing child she would undoubtedly have spent a lot more time there.
When she arrived at her sanctuary she was mortified to find that it was not as she remembered it. She found the place eery and far from welcoming. A thin dark grey layer of mist, which moved around at waist level, shrouded the church ruin. If El had not been so attached to the place, she probably would have just turned away and left, with haste. She stayed as she longed to know what had happen. She eventually stumbled upon what appeared to be the source of the mist. However, she had a hard time trying to make sense of what she saw.
By the eastern wall of the ruin, she found an open blue bottle from out of which the mist bellowed. She picked it up and felt that it was empty, then tried to look inside it, but could not for her vision was obscured. When she had lifted it to her face its mystery doubled, as she noticed that the mist fell downward when it had previously flowed upward. She was deathly curious and so rather rashly decided to break the bottle open. She turned her head away and then threw it at the wall she stood before. The instant the bottle shattered, a torrent of mist erupted forth and engulfed everything in the vicinity.
El reopened her eyes after bracing for the impact, but she need not have done, for she could only see but an arm’s reach ahead. She took a moment to curse her curiosity, and then went about trying to find her way out of the mist. After numerous trips, fumbles, knocks and scrapes she succeeded, but to her horror the place she found herself in was utterly unfamiliar. It was so alien that she put some fair thought toward going back into the mist.
While searching the nearby area El became drawn to a path, it was not its destination that interested her, but rather something that she had sighted on it. A subtle glistening had drawn her toward the most beautiful ring she had ever seen. The body of it was made of jet, and inlayed on its inner and outer faces were complementary complex silver designs. El bent down to pick the ring up, but stopped as a feeble sounding voice warned her against doing so. El obeyed the command, but when she looked around to see who had spoken, no one was to be seen. It seemed foolish to listen to a voice that did not belong to anyone, so she again went to pick the ring up. As soon as she touched it, the voice reissued its command, only more assertively. El was opposed to being told what to do by somebody that was unseen. She asked why she should do as commanded, to which she was told that the find had already been claimed.
El’s attention fell on a nearby insignificant fly. As ludicrous as it was, she believed it to have been what had spoken. She tactfully questioned the creature and was informed that she was supposedly speaking to a fairy. El instantly dismissed the notion, for after having had the chance to get a better look at the creature, she was nigh certain that it was an insect of sorts. Even though she had never before seen one, she reasoned that she was in the presence of a firefly. Even though the concept of a fairy was just as ludicrous as a talking firefly, El's mind found favour with the latter. The so-called fairy was offended by the insinuation that she was a mere common insect. However, El took no notice of the creature's angry remarks, for she did not believe there to be any danger at hand. She ignored the protests, dressed her right hand with the ring and then went on her way.
Much to her annoyance, El was followed and pestered with numerous unpleasant remarks. She repeatedly told the firefly to go away, but doing so only seemed to exacerbate matters. She knew that she could gain peace by giving the fly the ring, but she did not want to do so as she had grown fond of it. As a compromise, she proposed that if the fairy helped her find her way home, she would then give the ring up. After a feigned objection, the proposition was warmly welcomed, for the fairy had long been longing for some company.
El was soon hesitantly following an assortment of directions, and as she journeyed she got better acquainted with her companion, who if could be believed, was two hundred and three years old and known as, Flow. El was terrible at remembering names, even unorthodox ones, so she took a moment to close her eyes to try to commit the fairy's to memory. When she did so she received a shock, as she found that she could hear her mother relating proverbs, which she could not make sense of. El and Flow talked about their interests for a fair while, but their conversation ended prematurely following the unwelcome use of a certain noun.
After having journeyed on in silence for a while, the pair caught sight of a horse drawn carriage conveying a party of circus performers. El was hopeful that she could get better directions than those she was being fed. The driver kindly stopped the carriage as she tried to catch it up, yet the reception she received was quite unanticipated. The driver looked to her with sheer terror and expressed being surprise to see her. His associates, who seemed to be some sort of assortment of gymnasts, mirrored his response. This filled El with unease, though it was soon replaced by terror, as one of the group suggested that they should try to arrest her, in the hope of there being a bounty to collect. El was probably more confused than she was frightened, but it was the latter state that she acted on. She slowly began to back away from the carriage. Then after having made full assessment of those before her, she turned and ran in fear.
Those in the carriage promptly went off after her, and before El had even managed to get a stone’s throw away, it became clear that she would not be able to escape. Following a rather unnecessary display of acrobatics, those in pursuit took the lead and formed themselves into a human wall, which stopped El dead in her tracks. She was then man handled into a cage that was within the carriage. The cage was empty, but that was only a minor consolation, for it still contained the mess left by its previous occupant. El questioned her captors but she received no filling answers. Though by listening to exchanges, she grew her suspicion that she had been mistaken for somebody else. El found there was little use in trying to argue her case, for the logic of those she was with was not the common sort she was familiar with. The captors were certain that they had captured the right person. El thus redirected her efforts toward trying to engineer an escape. Though she was unsuccessful, she remained hopeful that fortune would find her at a later date.
After what was a long and uncomfortable journey, El was dragged out of her cage and escorted to an oubliette. The fortune she had hoped for found her as a change of heart led her to her being relocated to a prison cell. She initially could not see any benefit to her move, and so broke down crying as soon as her escorts left her side. Her sobbing eventually stopped when her attention was drawn to a voice, which came from the back of the dimly lit cell. It asked what it was she had done to warrant being there. El did not quite know how to answer. After a lengthy pause, El hesitantly explained that it was because she had been mistaken for someone else, either that or she had been trespassing. The man who El was at that moment slowly making her way toward, then asked whether she was local, and went on to explain that trespassing was not a crime, for the only thing that man owns is his own flesh.
The faintness of El's voice confused the cellmate and spurred him to ask where she was. This in turn led her to ask if he was blind for she was at the time standing directly before him. He was not blind, he just could not open his eyes. Though she thought it was not polite to do so, she inquired as to how such a thing could ever be. Thankfully she caused no offence, for the man relished the opportunity to talk to another person. His condition came into being after he had kept his eyes tightly closed for so long that his eyelids sealed up. This was due to trying to avoid looking at the horrors he was forced to bear witness to as part of his punishment. Just before the man had said all he had to say, El received a mild fright as she saw Flow floating by her side, listening to the conversation she was having.
"I thought I lost you." said El.
"You can't get rid of me that easily, you still have my ring."
"Why didn't you show yourself earlier?"
"Who are you talking to." said El's cellmate.
"Flow...she says she's a fairy, but if you ask..."
"Fairy wings are lucky. If you pull hers off I bet we could get out of here."
"I should turn you into a pile of ash" said Flow.
"You can't do that." said El.
"No, but I can knock a candle onto him."
"I don't trust her, pull her wings off." said El's cellmate.
"What is going to happen to me?" said El.
"This is where they put people destined to be made into statues."
"How are we going to get out of here?"
"I could get you out. I could bring you the key." said Flow.
"You couldn't." said El's cellmate.
"I could go inside the lock mechanism and trick it.”
"You couldn't."
"I should have you know, I can do a great many magical and brilliant feats."
"You can't. A fairy can only cast magic when their life is threatened. Doing magic will weaken and eventually kill you."
"Like a bumble bee." said El.
"I am most certainly in no way whatsoever like a common bumble bee." said Flow.
"It is hopeless then."
Once the three of them ran out of things to talk or argue about, they ended up relaxing, at least as best as was possible. It took some time for the ambience to mull, but an instant for it to elevate again, for all of a sudden El got up and began limping and hopping around, in a bid to revive her left leg. As she fumbled about the cell, she rearranged the hay that coated the floor, and inadvertently unearthed a sleeping gnome. This took her by surprise, and judging by his reaction, her cellmate too. It was discussed whether a wake up call should be issued, but none was made for the Gnome didn't look like he could be much help.
As El took a moment to assess her surroundings, she began to realise the dangers she was faced with. She was locked in a prison cell with two others, who as far as she knew listed catching, cooking and eating little girls amongst their favourite pastimes. She thus began to question her lucid cellmate. If his words were to be believed, she had no cause to fear him for his crime was that of poor judgement.
"The people were without guidance and the land was shrouded in confusion, but it was prophesied that prosperity would appear in the guise of a young girl, who had knowledge beyond her years. With a mass of people clutching onto what was foretold, it was only a matter of time till a girl came to prominence, unfortunately that girl became the tyrant that now rules these lands. With retrospection many came to believe that Beth was not the girl mentioned in the prophecy. I personally believe that she was, but then for some reason or other she changed. For the first few years of her reign things seemed promising, but she grew to value her station ever more, and became paranoid that it would be taken away. Consequently, she started work on various secretive projects, one of which led to me working in her service.
Like everyone, I was blind to the evil that was swelling within her, so I truly felt as though I was doing good. Beth had some mysterious need for a grand vault, and called on me to design and build it, for I was at that time the only locksmith in the land. It proved to be a hell that I had never before known. It seemed that whatever blueprints I drew up, they were not good enough. Beth repeatedly rubbished my designs and asked for me to come back with something more complex. She wanted something that would be near impossible to trick open. After failing to please her more times than I can remember, I eventually devised what she desired. During my service, Beth started to fall from favour due to the increased hardships imposed on her subjects. However, I was ignorant of this as I was wholly engrossed by my task.
The vault was put into use before it was finished, but learning what it was built to house was not easily done, for the entrance was guarded day and night. I was ruled by my curiosity till I was spurred to scheme a means of gaining an opportunity to quench it. The vault contained maps, and ancient scrolls scrawled with nonsensical proverbs and prophecies. Foolishly, I was not as furtive as I should have been, as my actions came to attention. After which I was treated as a prisoner. I was not allowed to work without supervision, and I spent my nights under lock and key. When the build came to an end so too did the last of my freedoms. Under seemingly constant guard, escaping seemed impossible, even for a skilled locksmith like myself. However, I forever kept an eye open, and so was able to take advantage of a somewhat singular circumstance and mount an escape. Unfortunately, I was unsuccessful and ended up being tortured in the manner already described. After many months, my saviour eventually came in the form of a rebellion force, which had been outraged by various stories of atrocities. Then, as it was known that I had been working for Beth, I came to be incarcerated by the very people that rescued me." said El’s cellmate.
"If you are, or were, the only locksmith then you must have worked on this cell. You could get us out of here." said El.
"You seem to have forgotten that I no longer have my sight."
"That may be so, but I have mine."
El set about describing the markings on the lock mechanism, correctly believing that it would enable the locksmith to recall its design. During the hours that then ensued, El crudely fashioned a key out of a hair comb, while both Flow and the locksmith played their part in guiding her. Though their success was near enough guaranteed, they still swelled with glee when the cell door swung open. As the three of them were making their way to freedom, the gnome who they had completely forgotten about, grabbed at El's right hand. She reasoned that he was trying to thank her, so shook his hand and then carried on her way.
The corridor that the prison cell opened up to led to a room occupied by two guards. As El stood assessing what seemed to be the only way out, she thought it strange that the gnome, whose small legs were unable to keep up with her own had not yet joined her side. Though she thought it strange that she could not see him when she looked, her mind soon turned back to the dilemma that lay ahead. El suggested that an escape attempt should be made at a later date, but the locksmith, who had been analysing the situation ever since he had had it explained to him, hated the idea.
The locksmith asked El to read the wall clock, which could be heard ticking away. Then once she had read the time off of her pocket watch, he went on to explain that one of the guards routinely goes to collect his mail at noon. He thus suggested that they should wait the short while that was to pass till that time, and then try to overpower the lone guard. El agreed to the plan, although she was somewhat concerned, for she did not know whether such a thing could be done by a twelve year old, a blind man and a fairy.
Just as was predicted one of the guards got up and left the room as the clock struck noon. In a miraculous manner, the locksmith then went on to predict when the remaining guard would get up from his chair, well, he was a couple of seconds off. The feat was owing to how he had listened, taken note and put to memory the routine of the guards during his numerous tedious days. El grew increasingly anxious as the lone guard began to make his way across the room. She strove for the locksmith's attention, but he was too busy counting under his breath to take notice. El eventually gave up and tightly closed her eyes, fearful of what was about to happen. She opened them a moment later after hearing a mid pitch thud, and saw the prison guard sliding down against the facing corridor wall, onto the floor.
Once outside, El brought a nearby stable to attention, and while fear made her hesitant, the locksmith promptly walked over and saddled a horse for them both. El was not quite as reluctant to let him ride as she probably should have been, for she still remained impressed by his earlier actions. They were no doubt seen as they fled, though evidently no notice was paid, for no one went in chase. El and Flow guided and described the lay of the land, while the locksmith controlled the horse and used their words to navigate. As one can imagine their progress was fraught with difficulties. The group’s command of the horse was such that it would often do as it willed. It would wonder off to graze wherever the grass was lush, and ignore all attempts made to reanimate it when it decided to rest. Sadly their navigation was also flawed. On numerous occasions they had to backtrack, while Flow and El would often argue about the descriptions they were to give. Consequently, it was not that long until they were completely, well and truly, lost.
After wondering aimlessly through deserted lands for far to long, the three of them spotted a weasel by a pond. They rushed over, hopeful that their way could be found, however, the weasel refused to be of service without gaining anything in return. He was at that time having difficulty catching a meal, and so proposed that in return for assistance, he would gladly give guidance. Several fish were caught, but sadly El and her comrades had been played for fools. They went to take back the catch, but the weasel beat them to it and fled the scene. Some people say that it was from hearing El's story that it came to be known that a weasel can never be trusted, others speculate that her tale simply acted as a reminder.
The group continued on as before, with the one difference being that their tempers were that bit shorter. Nothing of importance happened till they came to a moor where El caught sight of some horsemen on the horizon. After she and Flow had described what could be made out of their appearance, the locksmith informed them that the horsemen belonged to Beth's army. Mere moments after El had sighted the men, it became apparent that they had done likewise, as they began riding with speed in her direction. Once the horsemen were in range they armed and fired their bows. This confused the targets, but not before terrifying them. They thus took off in flight and began arguing over why they were being attacked.
It was soon clear that too much was being asked of the tired and heavily laden horse, and so El and the locksmith started to despair. However, Flow assured them that she could delay the soldiers long enough to facilitate an escape. She told them that it would come at a cost, and that they should be absolutely certain that it was what they wanted before she did what she had in mind. Before she had finish talking, the others were near enough screaming at her to act. So act she did. She flew down amongst the grasses and clovers, and whispered them a message that spread like the effects of a strong wind. The message resonated to such an extent that El and the locksmith could hear it, though they could not make sense of it. After an agonising moment's wait, Flow reappeared and then all the grass from their position to that of the soldiers grew to double the height of a man, thus creating a barrier that was truly tiresome to break through.
By the time Beth's men had battled their way through the obstruction, they were alone in their surroundings. El, Flow and the locksmith had pushed on with haste toward a destination they knew nothing about, but they eventually came to a small isolated house that had the potential to revise the situation. As their previous encounters had taught them the importance of caution, it was decided that Flow should go ahead and act as a scout. After learning that a seemingly humble couple lived in the dwelling with their son, El and the locksmith made way to the house, hoping to find food, water and somewhere to rest. On the way, the curious sight of a vegetable patch littered with pennies made them question Flow's assessment. They thus thought it best to spy through a window before knocking. When the residents were eventually met, an exceptionally unwelcoming greeting was given as the man and woman broke into a song.
"We have guests, what a surprise, we didn't expect anyone to arrive, we had best, welcome them in, so to be sure that their wellbeing doth thrive."
As she listened, El cringed, blushed and smiled all at the same time. Annoyingly, the hosts would break into song and rhyme to mark any event, which could be seen to have any slight importance. If a bird song sounded, the couple's singing would duly silence it and frighten the composer away. In the morning they would sing a wake up call that would prompt the houseguests to get up and show themselves as quickly as possible. The couple would sing to announce dinner, the end of dinner, sundown and so on, and on.
The singing was by no means the only peculiarity to be experienced. Every morning at first light someone would go outside, and scatter yet more pennies on the vegetable patch, with the firm belief that doing so would encourage the plants to grow. While inside the house there were innumerable bizarre ornaments, which could each be explained away with a unique superstition, such as a severed hand, a rope taken from a hangman's noose and branches of broom. The son was the most normal one in the household, although he was odd in his own right. Most noticeably, he seemed worryingly convinced that he was a knight. The oddity that was by far the oddest, was the couple's belief that a toad, and a cat were incarnations of their late elders. This came about after the creatures formed an attachment to certain meaningful items.
The would-be knight did not share the beliefs of his parents, but he did not dispute them either, he would merely roll his eyes when it was appropriate. This response was adopted by El, as despite how painful she found it to hold her tongue, she did not want to offend. She and her companions felt indebted to their hosts, for their hospitality was remarkable. The only thing that could be faulted was the food served, which they found nigh inedible. However, the blame rested solely on their shoulders. For Flow had failed to mention that until El and the locksmith had repaid the debt that they owed to nature, anything that they should try to eat that had in someway come from the earth, would have the texture and taste of wet ash. This thus made their first mealtime together quite the spectacle. As soon as El's first mouthful of food registered on her tongue, she spat it out, which duly led to the outbreak of song.
"How rude, we slaved over that food, our mood cannot just be subdued, If you'd rather avoid a feud, then you'd alter your attitude."
After making sense of what had happened, the locksmith gave El a nudge to mark his disapproval, while Flow set about passing on her belated message. Flow's task was hindered by the commotion that had erupted, but she eventually managed to land on El's right ear. However, she was only there for a moment, as El's hand rushed toward her to shoo her away. She got away unscathed, but only with the use of magic. El's hand swelled to twice its natural size and turned an unearthly shade of blue, which seemed an utterly curious infliction to induce. El was in the midst of issuing an apology when she noticed her deformity and cried out in alarm, thus spurring the song that was being sung to enter one last verse before the situation was defused.
El, Flow and the locksmith only ended up staying with the family for a day and a half, for they found their madness wearing. They were polite enough to offer to do some chores to show their thanks, but the suggestion was unwelcome. Before the party set off they first had to discuss what direction and to what end their journey would be, for they were still without guidance. El wanted only to find her way home, and saw the vault that the locksmith had spoken of as being the perfect place to find it. Flow merely wanted the ring El wore, while the locksmith was forced to go where the others went since he could not navigate such barren land on his own. With a destination decided on, albeit by default, they randomly chose a path to take.
After being rested, groomed and fed, their steed was willing to power on with haste, but the riders were far too dispirited to allow it. Their mood gradually bettered as the surroundings grew ever more busy, but when they unexpectedly heard a twig break fear quelled all other emotions. As their hearing was honed to pick up every subtle sound, they became convinced that they were being followed. El and the locksmith implored Flow to go and look around, but as she was just as afraid as they were, it took some doing to get her to agree. El and the locksmith waited anxiously for Flow to report back. After waiting for what seemed like an age, they began to fear the worst for Flow, and worse still, they began to fear for their own safety.
However, their fears were quite unnecessary. Flow had not suffered an agonising accident, been gobbled up by a gruesome monster or fallen foul to a cruel trap. She was completely ignorant of the worries and concerns that her friends had for her, as she had been enjoying the company of the boy and grandma she and the others met at their last stop. As he felt he had found a friend, the boy stopped pretending to be a knight and introduced himself as, Wilson. He told Flow that he had seen the visit paid to his parents' house as an opportunity to escape from his sleepy country life. Truth be told, he was only really following El, for he had developed a childish crush. Once the conversation wore thin, Wilson then hesitantly made his way over to receive a cold reception from Flow’s friends.
El and the locksmith never warmed to the idea of Wilson and his cat tagging along, but they did get tired of telling them to go away. The group went on their way while taking turns to ride the horse, and eventually came upon a lone shepherd. Unfortunately, he knew very little of the world beyond his own, but he was able to give directions to a nearby village. Understandably, El and the locksmith were cautious about entering a built up area, as they had no way of knowing if their pictures would be on wanted posters pinned against trees. When they entered the village, El hid her face away like many uncomfortable girls her age do, while the locksmith wore a torn piece of cloth to cover the lower part of his face. Wilson, who had no reason to fear being recognised, walked tall and proud ahead of them. He quickly obtained the desired directions, and even took the time to vainly enquire about the land that El called home.
As the group made way toward Beth's vault, it became clear that there was something bothering the locksmith. He was uncharacteristically short tempered, and for the first time since he and El had been together, he made a complaint. He told El, Flow and Wilson that he would rather try to start a life in the village they had passed through than continue on. For he knew that the path that was to be walked was fraught with danger. He described the sentinels that would be guarding the vault, the lawlessness of the land they would have to pass through, and the sadistic traps that they would have to avoid. El was worried by his words, not because of all of the dangers described, but because she knew that without the locksmith she would have no hope of breaking into the vault. If one happened to have the exceptional sight needed to see Flow's countenance, it could be seen to perfectly mirror El's. For she knew that if El could not get at the maps in the vault, she would have little chance of claiming the ring she felt was rightfully hers.
After reading El's reaction Wilson stepped forward yielding the sword, which was part of his knight's costume, and claimed that he would make the locksmith change his mind. However, his attempt to impress El fell apart in an instant. The locksmith told him to go away, come back and then reissue his threat once he had found a real sword, to which Wilson embarrassingly revealed that he was not allow to own one. In contrast, El approached the matter with reason. She reminded the locksmith that he was a fugitive and that as such he would struggle to find peace. She then suggested that if he were to help retrieve the maps from Beth's vault as planned, he could find a remote sanctuary where there would be little chance anyone would find him. The locksmith followed El's argument and eventually came to agree with her, which made El feel slightly pleased with herself, though she made sure not to show it.
The slight air of awkwardness following the quarrel soon died, but soon too did the joviality that it was replaced with, for Wilson noticed that Flow was missing. He and El called out and searched for her with squinted eyes, but she was nowhere to be seen. They began backtracking and widening their search, but the scale of the task meant that it was hopeless. This played as music to the locksmith's ears, for as far as he was concerned, Flow was nothing other than a common pest. As they were focused on finding Flow, it took longer than it should have to spot that Wilson's cat had bizarrely changed its colour from ginger to black. However, since it otherwise seemed fine they did not make much of a deal out of it.
When they continued on with the journey, sorrow meant that Wilson and El could not bring themselves to raise their line of sight above the horizon. Forgetting that it made them terrible companions, it was beneficial for otherwise they may not have seen that a tripwire crossed their path. As the locksmith’s descriptions of the traps that were to be encountered were still fresh in mind, Wilson and El were curious to see what would happen if the lighted trigger was sprung. Wilson pulled loose some twine from the horse's saddle mat, tied one end to the trip wire, then retreated to a safe distance. He pulled and pulled the twine but nothing happened. He thus walked toward the tripwire, ignored the calls for caution and pulled on it as hard as he could, but again nothing happened. They eventually uncovered a warped and broken catapult, hidden behind an entanglement of bushes. The disappointment that could be sensed without sight, spurred the locksmith to give an outline of the brutal battles that had taken place in the region, to justify the things he had said earlier.
Before the long awaited destination was reached many more traps were seen, however each was as defective as the previous. If they had needed to carefully watch where they stepped, then the party may well have lost another member. For Wilson's cat underwent another transformation, whereby its body swelled and it began floating just high enough above the ground so that it was unable to move about. El and the locksmith were so perplex by the sight that they began to think it possible that the cat was in fact a reincarnation of Wilson's grandmother. After giving up trying to explain the curiosity, they went on their way with the floating animal pulled along by its tale.
El and Wilson were far from impressed by the sight of Beth's so called great vault. For from where they stood it looked not too dissimilar from a prosaic crypt. However, the locksmith explained that what they were looking at was but the entrance to a spectacularly vast underground space. Though they were a powerful stone's throw away, the vault was so exposed they doubted that they could get to it. Not only did it seem unlikely that they would be able to overpower the guards, if they tried to approach from where they were one of the men would have time to go up the adjoining lookout tower, which no doubt housed a means of raising an alarm.
In jest, Wilson suggested that they should try to scare the guards. The suggestion did actually have weight though, thanks due to the numerous ghost stories that were linked to the area. However, no matter how hard they tried, they simply could not weave it into a workable plan. The only thing that they could think of was to circle around the vault and approach it from the rear, while hoping for the best. Wilson did have one objection to the agreed plan though, that being that it wasn't exciting enough, he thus volunteered to take the horse and draw the guards away. El and the locksmith were initially firmly opposed to allowing the boy to face such danger, but when they heard a brief account of how supposedly experienced he was at horse riding, they changed their minds. Besides, since El and the locksmith both had purpose in the vault, there was really no other option.
After having circled round into position, and having rested and groomed the horse, the group made their approach as soon as their nerves lulled. As they tentatively made their way forward they comforted the horse with each step that they took. Then when they reached the half way mark, Wilson saddled the horse, rode out to the side and then curled back toward the vault. When he saw that he had been sighted, he did all that he could to keep the guards attention, to ensure that El and the locksmith remained unnoticed. He repeatedly rode to, through and around the guards, as he tallied up acts of bravery.
Once the guards were lured far enough away from the vault, El and the locksmith crept their way inside. They descended a staircase and approached the vault's imposing seal. El then realised that she had never asked the locksmith if he was able to break into it. So even though she felt slightly stupid doing so, she asked him then and there. Once he had recovered from the shock of being asked the question, the locksmith explained that he knew the construct of the vault's lock mechanism inside out. He then proved his assertion with actions. He tinkered, listened, fiddled and examined, while El did all the things that his impairment made impossible. Following an extensive series of manoeuvres that were quite simply too complicated to take note of, the door creaked open.
El was overwhelmed by the sight that met her eyes. The walls of the room that she and the locksmith stepped into, were covered with shelves and compartments that were crammed full of books, papers, scrolls and various confusing artefacts. The vast amount of knowledge that the vault contained meant that it was near certain that El was in the presence of what she sought, however a celebration was not warranted. For the amount of knowledge also meant it would be near impossible to find anything specific. Even so she immediately started rolling out scrolls and fingering through books on the large table that was in the centre of the space. El immersed herself in her task, to such an extent that the only thing to lure her from it was the ominous sound of the vault door creaking open.
The air filled with the stench of fear, as it was assumed that it would be Beth's men to step into the vault. It turned out to be Wilson, though his appearance was almost just as worrying, for he was supposed to be doing an important job. Wilson assured El and the locksmith that all was safe, and that the guards had been dealt with. El wrongly accepted what was said, then went back to searching through books and scrolls. While she was musing over a map that featured a place name that seemed familiar, Wilson vainly strove for her attention as he believed that his floating cat was swelling yet larger. When he vowed for her attention a second time he was successful, for what he had to say concerned her. He had uncovered a statue that uncannily resembled her.
The locksmith soon too showed interest in the matter, for he knew that the statue was really of Beth. This interested him as he was sure that the likeness could be exploited in an ingenious plan, which he could not think up. He then enthusiastically spoke of all the good that could be done if El was to somehow switch places with Beth. El found the locksmith's words upsetting as they made her think that she might never find her way home. It was not that she had not enjoyed the adventure she had been on, she merely missed familiarity. El was fully prepared to stay searching through the vault for weeks on end with little sleep, however she was denied the pleasure of enduring such a fate. Four of Beth's soldiers entered the vault without warning, though had there been one it would have been of little help as there was nowhere to hide, nor was there any means to escape. A loud mysterious bang, which acted as a distraction did almost aid a getaway, but the soldiers were sadly too experienced to be taken off guard. El, Wilson and the locksmith were thus rounded up and shoved into a carriage that was to take them to Beth's palace. To their surprise Flow had also joined them for the ride. The fairy was fine, though she did have a newly formed hatred for cats.
Upon arriving at the palace, El was separated from the others and taken to meet her doppelganger. While she was being handled it was clear that the soldiers and aids were taken aback by her appearance, Beth however, seemed indifferent toward the matter. Her prime concern was a ring that she claimed El had stolen. El was at first confused, but when she saw a familiar looking gnome standing off to the side, she realised that the ring in question was the one she had found when she first entered the land she was sadly in. The subject of the exchange soon spurred Flow, who had concealed herself in El's garments, to make herself known. She suggested that the reason Beth wanted the ring back so much was because it had magical properties. However, Flow soon floated corrected as a glass jar was conjured to contain her. The missed ring was pulled free and returned to the original owner, who then made an egotistical speech, and torturously described her prisoner’s fate.
Though it was ordered that El be put into solitary confinement, overcrowding meant that she had to share a prison cell. Her cellmate was unnervingly pleased to have her company and eager to introduce himself. Despite her concerns, El entered into conversation with him. She learnt that the reason he was so pleased to see her, was because he knew that El's physical likeness to Beth was no mere coincidence. For there was a little known prophecy that stated, if the dark was to face the light, the former would fall in a fight.
Though it was reasonable to assume that Beth was the darkness being referred to and El the light, such a clear-cut categorisation was far from accurate. The prisoner went on to explain that if El was in fact the one spoken of in the prophecy, she should be able to manipulate the physical world the same way Beth supposedly could. In the hours that followed he helped her find herself, in the hope that she would also come across the mentioned ability. El found the man's guidance invaluable. He showed her how to clear her mind by imagining stepping outside of her body, and how she could then take control of her emotions by maintaining focus. When she did as instructed she found that all the wisdom her mother had imparted began to make sense, and soon the prisoner's assumption was proven right.
When El first found the magic that was within, she could do little more than use her will to move specs of dirt, but after hours of practice El was able to amaze and so felt ready to confront Beth as foretold. With nothing other than thoughts, El made the bars of her prison cell fade away into a mist that was then blown aside. She hunted through the corridors of the palace, freeing the prisoners and dealing with the guards she came across as she went. Then once Beth was found, fiery words were exchanged as the pair edged their way into an open space. A fan that was resting on a small table turned into a large starved serpent, which was then transformed into a sleeping door mouse. A chair blistered into a charging bull, which was then crushed itself into a turtle. A chandelier was contorted and strung into a falling harp, which then singed into a feather. With each counter measure El made, she grew more assured and formidable as a result. The elaborate power play continued till Beth finally realised that her opponent's power was on par with her own, and that consequently fighting was pointless. Beth thus suggested that she and El should come to some sort of arrangement, and so asked her what it was she wanted.
"All I really want is to find my way home."
"Well, I want you to go home too. Let us not fight anymore, I can help you, let us work together."
Beth's words made El's face light up, but wretched looks from the freed prisoners that had gathered to watch the fight, forced her to turn the proposal down. Afterwards she found it painful to look at Beth, and so she made her fade into a mist as she unwittingly released further untapped power she had within. As Flow rushed to claim the ring that fell to the ground as Beth dissipated, a celebration was ordered. Despite the rapture that soon came to surround her, tears began to fall down El’s cheeks. With every sob she made, aspects of the world about her reformed into the one she missed. The link between her emotional state and what was happening was made and so she was urged to regain control. However, when El realised what was happening, rather than stopping it she sped the process up. Initially, she thought about omitting her sisters from the world she was forming, either that or giving them moose heads, but in the end she included them, along with their flaws.
*******
Reburying the skeleton
A skeleton thought it time for his wake,
He was in fact a hundred years too late,
Since he was unaware of his mistake,
He went off in search of his old flatmate,
When he found his way to the right address,
The occupant sadly abhorred her guest,
She gave out a scream to show her distress,
And people came to inspect the unrest,
They deemed that they did not quite like his kind,
And then schemed to bring about his demise,
One of the men hit him hard from behind,
Then took him to where they thought it most wise,
They then went about reburying him,
So as to confine him to his coffin,
But in their haste they left out a forelimb,
So had to open the coffin again.
*******
Manners
Excuse yourself and I'll do so too,
For a slack use of please and thank-you.
Manners help with the plights we go through,
Though now this seems ever more untrue.
*******
Fish learning to walk
There was once a fish that was dear friends with a vole,
The means that they sought entertainment was quite droll,
They'd scare the sheepish and dare cats to go up trees,
But soon their escapades were unable to please,
They reasoned amusement was to be found elsewhere,
And agreed to leave in search of it as a pair,
The fish faced a journey that he felt was unfair,
Since it and the one made by land did not compare,
The fish tried walking just like those he'd seen do so,
Believing it was a skill he could in time know,
And kept hopeful in spite of what others would say,
He would set himself targets to achieve each day,
Until he had done all that he could to prepare,
He then chose some shoes that were suitable to wear,
And selected a location for the affair,
Finally he took his first step on land with care,
But soon he realised he was not yet ready,
Owing to his footing being far from steady,
Consequently he fell to the ground, flipped and rolled,
Thus proving right those who thought he'd acted too bold,
After what occurred land became his biggest fear,
Whether he should stick to his aim he was unclear,
His friend said land was something he should not go near,
But it was advice he did not wish to adhere,
So once he had done all that he could to prepare,
Had chosen some clothes that were suitable to wear,
And picked a time that seemed best for what he had planned,
Finally he took his second step onto land,
He'd been foolish to ignore what he had been told,
Because on land a fish cannot get a foothold.
To get back to the water he turned, flipped and rolled,
And once there vowed to never again be so bold.
*******
Black and white
If you see things in black and white,
You should know that it is not right,
First check to see that it's not night,
Then begin to question your sight,
You may find that you're colour blind,
There's nothing else that comes to mind,
Lest the blight's of another kind,
Ask your doctor what he can find,
If it's lasting you should despair,
For you will find things hard to bear,
As you'll meet dangers everywhere,
While often resorting to prayer,
You may steal someone else's eyes,
But to me that is quite unwise,
If a doctor can't supervise,
To stop you ruining the prize.
Teach yourself that what you espy,
Does not mean what it may imply,
Don't believe what's in your mind's eye,
For there's a chance it is a lie,
But do not take it as a rule,
Lest you should come off as a fool,
When you see a cat don't think ball,
Unless you're sick and think that's cool,
If my viewpoint still holds value,
I have one last idea for you,
It's beautifully simple it's true,
But it is ingenious too,
Try living with your eyes kept shut,
And learn to rely on your gut,
But walk with caution not a strut,
For you'll trip and get bruised and cut.
*******
Fristaday
I received an assignment,
I didn't think I'd complete,
I was to be persistent,
Which in itself was a feat,
I was not too confident,
The deadline was hard to meet,
My work schedule's assessment,
Saw that there was no deceit,
I found a hidden week day,
It's something I can't explain,
I chose the name Fristaday,
For this day that is arcane,
It relieved me from dismay,
Due to the time I did gain,
Now I've finished my essay,
I fear the grade I'll obtain.
*******
Waxen palaces and jet castles
Many people regard the robin as an innocent and sweet creature, but sadly this is far from the truth. It has a rather fiendish nature, and if you do not have the time to discover it for yourself, then take the red on its chest as proof. For the bird's real home is one of the circles of hell, and it only comes to earth to feed and rear its young. Every time it makes the journey, it inadvertently scorches the plumage on its chest. Yet, had the robin not been so dastardly, one boy would have missed out on a somewhat enthralling adventure.
There was once a couple that had want for nothing, and on a day that they would come to rue, they thought it would be nice to take their three year old son to see the country. While in a densely wooded area, the couple became distracted and a robin flew down, grabbed their son's attention and turned him away from them. By the time the robin had finished playing its wicked game, the boy was quite a way away from his parents. He ended up so far away that when he finally realised that he was alone and had begun crying, his parents could not hear him over the ambience of the woods. To make matters worse, the area the boy had been lured into was said to belong to giants.
Download this book for your ebook reader.
(Pages 1-28 show above.)