Teaching Tania
(The case of the cat crimewave )
by
James Gault
Copyright 2008 James Gault
Smashwords Edition
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ENGLISH LESSONS AVAILABLE
Outstanding teacher of English has a vacancy to teach one, and only one, enthusiastic and capable student. Individual lessons twice a week.
Due to my complete and hectic schedule, I am only able to teach a limited number of students. Therefore I am only interested in dedicated hard-working people with a real desire to learn the language.
In the first instance, write to me by e-mail at
jteach@english.prague.cz
telling me why you want to improve your English and what you expect from your teacher. I will select the best candidate on the basis of your letters.
Chapter 1 Giving advice
Dear Tania,
Thank you for your letter. There were very few grammar mistakes, and your spelling was excellent too. I will be very pleased to be your English teacher. And your advice about how to be a good teacher was appreciated. Just one small thing, though, I’m not sure I agree with what you said about chocolates, particularly in your case.
For the moment, chocolates are OK, because your are still in the process of growing upwards. But this will come to an end soon, and you will be as tall as you’re ever going to be. Then, if you continue to ingest copious quantities of chocolates, what will your body do with them? Probably, you will start to grow outwards, and become extremely fat. This indeed is the best result you could hope for. Sometimes, a surfeit of chocolate causes an adolescent’s skin to break out in unsightly pimples. At worst, both of these horrors could be visited upon you at the same time, and then you will have no chance whatsoever of being chosen as Cinderella in the school pantomime. In fact, thanks to the demon chocolate, you will have all the physical attributes necessary for the role of an ugly sister. So I don’t really hold with your idea that the teacher should reward you with a couple of chocolates every time you get something right. And I assure you that I don’t just say this because I am Scottish, or because I love chocolates and want to keep them all to myself.
But, apart from this, you can be sure I will take your excellent advice to heart, and, in return, may I give you some advice about how to be a good student?
I saw from your letter that you already know the most important thing you need to do to be an excellent pupil. You were kind enough to tell me that I was a good teacher. You are, of course, perfectly right, and I commend you on your excellent powers of observations and your impeccable judgement.
It is important to tell a good teacher that he is good. It is even more important to tell a bad teacher he is good.
Every pupil compliments a good teacher, and if you forget to do it you will be noticed in a very negative manner, and the teacher will be predisposed to lower your grades by one or two points. So flattery directed at a competent teacher is essentially a defensive tactic. But, on the other hand, if you tell a bad teacher that he is good, you will almost certainly be the only one to do so. You will immediately become that teacher’s favourite, with all the benefits which accrue to the position of the teacher’s pet – better marks, invitations on trips, selection for the school prize giving etc. It is an opportunity not to be missed.
Next, I come to the delicate question of homework, which of course you must always do. But there will be, inevitably, some occasions on which, through no fault of your own, you will inadvertently not have done your homework. You may, for example, have inexplicably forgotten about it. Such a thing, of course, must never happen with the homework I give you. But, for other teachers, it is a possibility, and indeed, over a long school career, practically unavoidable. So what should you do in such a case?
First of all, on your journey to school, you must dedicate your mind to finding the most convoluted and improbable explanation for not having the homework.
“As I came out of the house with my homework in my hand, a passing bird descended, grabbed it in his beak, and flew off with it. I took a taxi, at great personal expense, and we followed it to Wenceslas Square. There the bird let go of my homework and it started to float slowly down to the ground. Unfortunately, there was a delay while I paid the taxi driver a not inconsiderable sum of money, and from my own pocket too. I then started to cross the square, watching my homework descending towards a young man sitting on a bench. Suddenly this young man took a packet of cigarettes from his pocket, put one in his mouth, and then proceeded to illuminate a small cigarette lighter with his free hand. I was shocked, and not only because, as you know, I abhor smoking. My precious paper was descending towards the naked flame, and, you’ve guessed it, I arrived in front of the bench just in time to see my homework going up in smoke. But, of course, I’ll do it over again and give it to you tomorrow.”
This story will produce one of two responses. Your teacher may say, probably in a rather disgruntled sort of way,
“ OK then. But don’t you dare forget it tomorrow!”
This is a perfectly satisfactory outcome for you. But some teachers are of a more suspicious or tenacious nature, and may respond by saying,
“You really don’t expect me to believe such a load of nonsense, do you.”
With such a pedagogical giant there is only one way to proceed. You must be firm, resolute and even arrogant, and say, without allowing your voice to waver,
“Do you honestly believe, sir (or miss) that I could have made up such a story if it wasn’t true.”
(You will note that you have not actually lied in this statement). Faced with such a demonstration of conviction, the teacher will wilt, and will reply weakly,
“Oh well then, do it again for tomorrow”.
Finally, let me give you some counsel on the teacher-pupil relationship. You should, of course, attempt to be friendly with your teacher, but don’t overdo it. Do not, for instance, be tempted to share your innermost personal secrets and problems with your teacher. Logic may tell you that your teacher was once a child too, and therefore can help you with your problems. Such an idea is grossly inaccurate. Let me explain why.
You are about to enter that wonderful and disturbing phase of your life known as adolescence, the period of transition from childhood to adulthood. I’m sorry that I have to tell you that this will be a painful and upsetting experience. You will, for example, become totally convinced that you are the most ugly girl in the whole world, and that no one (i.e. no spotty teenage boy) could ever love you. I can tell you now that such ugliness will be based entirely on your imagination, but it will do no good whatsoever. Of course, you believe me now, but when the doubts set in, as they inevitably will, nothing anyone says will convince you of the truth.
This phenomenon is known as “the hormones” and there are other much worse manifestations of it. About every six months, you will look back on your behaviour and become extremely embarrassed and disturbed, to such an extent that you will immediately resolve to forget everything you have done, written, read or thought in the previous six months. Only by starting completely from scratch will you be able to continue your existence. And this process of forgetting and restarting will be repeated at regular intervals until you eventually reach maturity, sometime between the ages of eighteen and fifty-two. This is why there is no point in sharing your teenage angst with your teacher, because an adult has no recollection whatsoever of his (or her) adolescence, except for the lyrics of a few incredibly banal pop songs. So your teacher may indeed once have been a teenager, but has absolutely no memory of being in such a sorry state.
Apart from the fact that the teacher cannot use his own experience to help you with your problems, there is another reason why you should never bring them up in conversation with him (or her). To do so is extremely dangerous for your teacher’s health. Only by forgetting completely the traumas of adolescence can an adult manage to live a more or less reasonable and tranquil existence in later life. Asking advice about your problems will force your teacher to recall the nightmares of his (or her) own youth. The result will be uncontrolled shaking, loud wails of woe, and eventual transportation to an institute for the mentally inadequate.
Of course, if you have a particular teacher whom you would really like to see in
mental institution, you now know what to do.
I am really looking forward to our first lesson next Monday.
Best wishes,
Your teacher
J
Chapter 2. Expressing hopes and wishes
Dear Tania,
Thank you for sending me your homework. There were very few grammar mistakes, and your spelling was excellent too. Unfortunately, I think that you perhaps misunderstood the instructions just a little.
What you were actually supposed to do was write five things that you would really like to happen to you – you know, your five wishes. I was therefore slightly surprised to read the following
'I wish I had a cat'
'I’d love to have a cat.'
'If only I had a cat.'
'My dearest wish in the whole world is to have a cat.'
'I have an insatiable desire to have a cat.'
Now, don’t get me wrong. What you wrote was very, very impressive. You demonstrated that you know many different ways of expressing the same idea in the English language. And I really did like ‘insatiable desire’ rather a lot. In fact, overall I just have to congratulate on your excellent vocabulary and thorough knowledge of grammatical constructions.
Only, and I hope you will forgive me for saying this, your answer doesn’t seem to be quite right. What you wrote seems to me, you know, not so much five wishes as one wish five times. Do you understand what I’m saying? The thing is, I was really surprised that you could make such a mistake. You usually have such a good understanding of what is said to you in English. Your mistake is so strange that I find I am asking myself if perhaps you have a hidden message to send me. Are you, for example, by any chance, particularly fond of cats?
If you are, I have to confess that I share, to some extent, your enthusiasm for our furry feline friends. Although cats are probably not any more intelligent than their canine counterparts, they are so adept at giving us the impression that they are. You have to admire the way they walk past you, nose proudly in the air, with the grave expression of a great philosopher on their furry faces. Their minds might be as empty as a milk bottle after a cat breakfast, but would we ever guess? I admit to having a soft spot for the world’s great confidence tricksters, and in that field cats (and of course politicians) can show us a thing or two. (By the way, I don’t admire politicians half as much as I admire cats.)
On the subject of cats, may I tell you the story of the cat who wished he was a dog? It will serve as a little diversion and, you never know, you may pick up a few new words of vocabulary and the odd innovative grammar construction as you read.
Once upon a time, a wise old cat was lying sleeping lazily one afternoon. He had just eaten rather well on a chicken which his family had rather carelessly left lying around the kitchen, and he had nothing better to do than to doze on the kitchen floor and wait patiently for the entertainment which would surely follow when his human owners found that their dinner had mysteriously disappeared. Suddenly, for no good reason other than the plot of the story requires it, a fairy godmother appeared before him.
“Mr Cat,” she said.
The cat’s name was Toby, and, being magic, the fairy godmother knew this. But she was a well brought up fairy, and, not having been introduced to the cat, she did not want to offend him by presuming to be on first name terms. In addition, she was an English fairy godmother. Had she been an American fairy godmother, she would probably have said,
“Hi Toby, buddy, put it there!”
and you can imagine the disdain that this would have brought to the cat’s face. But it is a sad fact that Americans lack the tact that British and most other people are born with, and always manage to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. But don’t feel too sorry for the Americans. They are the richest people in the world, so is only right and fair that they have a few small disadvantages in other areas. But I’m afraid that the thought of Americans has distracted me from my tale, so let us go back to it.
“Mr Cat”, said the fairy godmother, “I am a fairy godmother and I have come to offer you two wishes.”
The cat’s first reaction was, quite frankly, one of disappointment. He hadn’t asked the fairy godmother to come, but here she was, and only offering him two wishes. Toby was well read, he had explored fully the fairy tale section in his local library, and he knew perfectly well that the norm for a fairy godmother is three wishes. Toby also knew that fairy godmothers didn’t come along often, perhaps only once in a lifetime, and here was his probably one and only fairy godmother and she wanted to short change him. He was a little bit angry, but far too cunning to give the fairy godmother any sign of his anger, in case she would withdraw one or even both of the wishes she had offered. Nevertheless, he couldn’t just let the matter rest.
“Excuse me”, he replied, “but I’m a little hard of hearing. Did you say two wishes?”
“Oh dear”, said the fairy godmother, “you too. Everyone seems to expect three wishes in spite of the recession.”
(A recession, Tania, is an economic term. Whenever we have a recession, everyone gets less of what they had before, and politicians say it is the fault of businessmen, while businessmen say it is the fault of politicians. It is caused by businessmen deciding to make less of everything, not for any good reasons, but simply because politicians have told them that there is a recession. This is the science of economics, and you mustn’t worry if you don’t understand it, because no one else understands it either, particularly businessmen (who understand most things) and politicians (who understand almost nothing)).
Toby the cat understood recessions no better than anyone else, but being a cat, he managed to hide his ignorance very well, and asked the fairy godmother cautiously,
“Would it be all right if I have one wish now, and have my second wish when I see how the first one goes?”
It is exactly this kind of careful forward thinking which distinguishes cats from other less intelligent animals, including humans.
“Of course”, the fairy godmother answered, “ and what is your first wish?”
“I wish”, said the cat, pausing to add a touch of tension to the situation, “I wish I were a dog.”
(You will notice here the unusual use of ‘were’ and not ‘was’ in the first person singular. This is perfectly correct for wishes and shows that Toby was an English and not an American cat. An American cat would have said “I wish I was a dog” which is, of course, wrong, but what do you expect from people (or cats) who are too busy being rich to learn to speak their own language properly? When I teach students less talented than yourself, I always encourage them to cultivate an American drawl. You can hide a multitude of grammatical mistakes behind an American accent.)
“Do you really want to be a dog?” the fairy godmother asked him. She was very surprised, because, like you and me, she was convinced that cats are superior to dogs in every way. But we English have a saying about the grass being greener on the other side of the hill, and I suppose that Toby, seduced by the deep bark and the greater size of the dogs he knew, imagined that life as a dog would somehow be better. It is like some British people who have an inexplicable desire to live in America, but perhaps I have already said too much about Americans, at least for the moment.
So in spite of her misgivings, the fairy godmother turned Toby into a dog, simply because it was her duty, and, unfortunately, in life duty obliges us to do unpleasant things we would rather avoid. And, predictably, things turned out badly for Toby. He found himself in rather a well-off family, in which the parents and children were nice enough, but there was a wicked old butler who hated dogs and who abused Toby at every opportunity. Fortunately, Toby did not have to put up with this ill treatment for too long, because he called the fairy godmother on her mobile phone and availed himself of his remaining wish to go back to his previous satisfactory and rather comfortable life.
Every fairy tale has a moral, but, as you would expect from someone who believes in maximising the instructional value of children’s literature, my fairy tale has two. The first is that it is, of course, important to value what you have and not go running after impossible dreams. And secondly, never underestimate the value of keeping your options open.
So I’ll see you at our next lesson. On Tuesday, or, if not, Wednesday.
I’m looking forward to your next piece of homework
Best wishes,
Your teacher
J
Chapter 3. Conditional sentences
Dear Tania,
Thank you for sending me your homework. . There were very few grammar mistakes, and your spelling was excellent too. But, if you don’t mind, I will take the opportunity to make a few mildly critical comments on the content.
I know that the homework was a grammar exercise rather than creative writing, but I would have thought that you could have shown a little bit more variety and imagination in the examples you gave. For example,
'When I get a cat, I’ll look after it carefully.'
'As soon as my cat arrives, I’ll give her a big bowl of milk.'
'If my cat comes tomorrow, I’ll show her to my friends.'
'If I had a cat, I would be so happy.'
'If my mother had given me a cat when I was younger, I would know so much about cats now.'
'If my mother had given me a cat when I was younger, I would have made a little coat for her.'
All of this is impeccable with respect to grammar and spelling, and I am particularly pleased that you avoided the horrible use of ‘will’ after ‘if’, which of course is (almost) never correct in English. But why do you have this obsession with cats? As I know you to be endowed with considerable imagination, I can only assume that you harbour some aspirations of becoming the owner of a feline creature in the near future.
If this is the case, I advise you not to get your hopes up. I have just been speaking to your mother on the subjects of cats, and I must warn you that she does not share your enthusiasm. Expressions like ‘over my dead body’ would not lead you to be optimistic. If anything, she is slightly better predisposed towards dogs, although I can’t for the life of me think why.
For example, if you throw a ball for a dog, he will, without fail, run after it, catch it between his teeth, and bring it back to you. But try throwing a ball for a cat. There is no way of telling how she will react. She may retrieve the ball, but she is just as likely to fix you with a disdainful stare, or walk away with her back bent into a dismissive arch. Cats are enigmatic, you never know what they are thinking. Dogs, on the other hand, are totally predictable and go out of their way to be amiable.
You will have noticed that I assumed the dog was a ‘he’ and the cat was a ‘she’. This is because men have the characteristics of dogs while women have the characteristics of cats. That’s why it’s a pity that the decision about the cat lies with your Mum. If it had been a question of persuading your Dad, a man and therefore desperate to please, then there would have been no problem. But your Mum, being a woman, is an enigmatic creature whose thoughts and reactions no one can hope to fathom, particularly a man or a child. In about eight or ten years, you will be a woman yourself and therefore in a better position to understand her, but can you wait that long for a cat?
So, although I can offer you some advice on how you may try to persuade her to change her mind, I warn you in advance not to hold out too much hope. There are four basic strategies which my own children used to use on me with considerable success. But I am a man, and therefore ‘easy meat’. And of course, any decision I made, if it had to be communicated to their mother, was almost always immediately overturned, so you know what you are up against.
To begin with, you may try the ‘subtle hint’ method. Showing her the homework you have sent me, or spreading a large quantity of books about cats over your bed, table and sofa, is a good beginning. You may then progress to saying ‘miaow’ instead of ‘hello’ every time you see her. I leave to your imagination other manifestations of your catty interest which might be useful to display. A word of warning, however. Walking about on all fours and licking your milk from a saucer is going a bit too far.
Blackmail is also a good method. It can be straight blackmail, for example –
“If you don’t get me a cat I will tell Dad how much you really paid for the coat you bought last week.”
Personally, I find this a little bit distasteful. And even if it is successful, it tends to sour your future relationships with the targeted parent, so that much of the pleasure of having the cat will be lost because your mother will hate you from then on. So I recommend instead the ‘emotional’ form of blackmail. It avoids the unpleasant side effects of the other form, and is usually more effective anyway. For this kind of blackmail, you need sentences like - “I wouldn’t be so lonely all the time if I had a cat’. This method is particularly useful for extremely soft-hearted people, like vegetarians or grandmothers seeing their daughter’s first baby. Unfortunately, piano teachers, like your Mum, are not noted for being soft-hearted. Think of all these poor piano students with striped fingers from making too many mistakes when practising.
You could try to threaten her. Again, this is a rather desperate measure and you should only use it as a last resort. In my experience it is almost never successful. Suppose, for example, you try “If you don’t get me a cat I’ll burn the house down”.
There are two possible outcomes. Either you get a cat, or you end up in an institution for the treatment of psychologically disturbed pyromaniacs, and I can tell you that the first of these is the least likely. So you would be well advised to avoid this sort of confrontation.
My last suggestion is to try the ‘sympathy strategy’. You have to make your Mum feel sorry for you, and then she has to connect your misery with the lack of having a cat. It is a bit like emotional blackmail, but much more subtle, and , to be honest, it is my favourite. With this method, my daughter could get anything she wanted from me. You can evoke your Mum’s sympathy through some form of illness. Walking with a limp, or imitating a hacking cough, are two methods which have enjoyed considerable success. Beware, you need to be a good actress and you must never forget to maintain the illusion all the time – you never know who’s watching, no matter where you are. The problem with these illnesses, however, is that they are relatively simple to fake, and if your mother is of a suspicious nature (most mothers are, particularly if they are also teachers) she will remain unconvinced by a performance which would have gained an Oscar in a Hollywood film. Having an unsightly rash would help a lot, but for this you would need to either be an expert in theatrical makeup, or have a post-graduate degree in biological science. However, if you can sustain a performance convincing enough to fool a doctor, and you can drop enough hints to the doctor that a cat would be the ideal cure, then the doctor might be able to convince even the most recalcitrant mother. But you can see that this is an undertaking of major proportions.
In short, if you really insist on the cat, you have an immense task in front of you. Have you ever thought about a goldfish or a teddy-bear?
Best Wishes,
Your Teacher
J
Chapter 4. Book Review
Dear Tania,
Thank you for sending me your book review. There were very few grammar mistakes, and your spelling was excellent too. I agree with you, Roald Dahl is a wonderful writer and the book about witches was very interesting and funny.
I don’t think you’re right about your Mum though. You might have been a little too influenced by her decision against having a cat in the house. I can understand your disappointment but I really do think you’ve got it wrong in the case of your Mum. As you know from your reading, witches love cats and hate children. Your mother, on the other hand, obviously doesn’t like cats at all. And, in spite of what you are thinking right now, I can promise you that your mother does love children. After all, she’s still keeping you in the house, isn’t she?
In fact, if we were to take a logical approach, you are the one who loves cats. And just at this moment you detest people, or at least one particular non–cat-loving person. So, if we were looking for a witch in your family, it isn’t your mother who would be the principle suspect. But I am sure you are not a witch, otherwise I would be a little concerned for your Mum’s safety in the present circumstances.
I’m really sorry you’ve taken your Mum’s decision so badly, but I did try to warn you how difficult it would be to get her to change her mind. It always was a lost cause, I’m afraid. All I can suggest now is that you abandon this particular lost cause, and take up a new cause which is at least slightly more hopeful.
The causes which come to mind are world peace, third world poverty, and the health of the global economy. I realise that mankind has not been too successful with any of these problems up to now, but that’s because we have put ourselves in the hands of politicians. I have already told you on several occasions what I think of politicians. What level of intelligence can someone have if he thinks that the way to world peace is to have a war? And even you, who are only learning the English language, must be able to understand the total lack of sense in a phrase like ‘We’re fighting for peace’. I am sure that, with your superior intelligence, if you forgot about cats and concentrated on one of the major problems of modern society, you could come up with something far better than anything our current world leaders have produced so far.
Perhaps, however, you would be more interested in a cause in which children are involved. Improving relationships between children and their parents springs to mind, but in the present circumstances I don’t suppose you feel much like thinking about that just at the moment.
You could perhaps devote some time to explaining the devious workings of children’s minds to your teachers. You remember me telling you that adults don’t remember any of their childhood experiences, so such knowledge could be extremely useful for them. I don’t mean myself, of course. As you know, I understand children perfectly, as indeed I understand everything. But I am exceptional, and you might even say unique. But at school, for example, you must have some quite ordinary teachers who would benefit form any help you could give them.
So, to sum up, I think the best thing for you is to abandon all thoughts of cats, or indeed even animals, and to dedicate your spare time, after homework and piano practice of course, to thinking about major world problems. You may choose one of my suggestions above, or you may have some pet project of your own.
If you would care to write the results of your deliberations as your next homework exercise, I will undertake to pass the details on to the most appropriate authorities.
Good thinking,
Your Teacher
J.
Chapter 5. A little telephone conversation
“Hello, Prague 123456”
“……..”
“Oh, hello Tania’s Mum! How are you?”
“……..”
“Oh, that’s too bad. But at least your English grammar is almost perfect. I can’t tell about your spelling on the telephone. How’s Tania?”
“……..”
“Oh, so that’s why you’re upset. And when does she usually come home?”
“……..”
“I see, she should have been home half an hour ago. She’s not really very late then, is she? She’s probably having a chat to some school friends. If I were you, I’d take advantage of the peace and quiet, make a nice cup of tea, and put your feet up for a few minutes.”
“……..”
“Oh, you found something in her room. Can I ask what it was?”
“……..”
“So she wrote a note in English. It was probably her English homework. Can you read it to me?”
“Dear loved parent (and Mum),
I cannot live here any more without a cat. Goodbye for ever,
Your loving daughter,
Tania.
P.S. The ‘loving’ is only for you, Dad.”
“The grammar is almost perfect. I can’t tell about the spelling on the telephone.”
“……..”
“No, I’m afraid that it isn’t her homework”.
“……..”
“Yes, I can understand that you’re a little bit concerned, but I wouldn’t panic. Half an hour late and a little note, it’s not much”
“……..”
“What else?”
“……..”
“An open book lying on her desk. Was it in English or Russian?”
“……..”
“And what was this English book called?”
“……..”
“The adventures of Dick Whittington – yes, you’re right. There is a cat in that story”
“……..”
“ Oh, she’s written something in the book. I hope it wasn’t a library book. What did she write?”
“……..”
“Hmmm! There’s a big red circle round the word ‘LONDON’.! Interesting!”
“……..”
“She wrote WHAT beside this circle?”
“……..”
“Sounds like a good place to look for cats. Her grammar is almost perfect. I can’t tell about her spelling on the telephone.”
“……..”
“Well, yes, I’m afraid it probably does mean something. Tell me, does she have her own passport?”
“……..”
“She does. Is it still in the house?”
“……..”
“Yes, I’ll hold on a moment. You go and check”
“……..”
“Oh dear, her purse is gone too and her piggy bank is empty. That could be significant.”
“……..”
“No, I don’t actually know where she could be. But do you have any travel agents near you?”
“……..”
“Well maybe you could give all four of them a phone, and ask if a little girl has been there today enquiring about flights to Heathrow.”
“……..”
“And perhaps you could also give the police a ring. They might want to cordon off the airport.”
“……..”
“No, I wouldn’t worry too much. You make those phone calls and in the meantime I’ll think about what else we should do.”
“……..”
“Not at all, it’s my pleasure. And can I compliment you on how good your English was?”
“……..”
“Good bye.”
Chapter 6. High-tech communciation.
To : Tania@internetcafe.prague.cz
From : jim@english.prague.cz
Subject : STAY WHERE YOU ARE AND DON’T MOVE
Hi Tania.
Thanks for you e-mail. There were very few grammar mistakes, and your spelling was excellent too. :-)
First of all, let me give you some instructions. Read this e-mail, then stay where you are and I will come to collect you. I am not pleased with you. :-(
No, there is absolutely no possibility of me going with you to the British Embassy to help you get a visa for a trip to London. In my last letter, I spoke about you solving international problems, not causing them. :-(
I will bring your Dad with me to collect you. You Mum is still in hospital. :-( After I got the e-mail, I phoned the hospital to tell your Dad I had found you. He went to the ward and told your Mum right away. She immediately came out of the coma. :-) The doctor says that although she is in a state of shock, there is no permanent damage, and she will soon be her old self again. :-) But she must avoid stress and tension, and any mention of cats is strictly forbidden. :-( Air travel and London are also to be taboo subjects. :-( It might be a good idea to avoid all references to animals in your future homework, in case your mother inadvertedly reads it.
Since I started teaching you, you have made some stupid mistakes, but this is even worse than saying I could to do or I must to do. :-( Please don’t make things any worse. Stay in the café, drink a Coca Cola and play some mindless computer game like a normal child of your age. :-)? Or:-(?
Your Dad and I will be there shortly,
Your teacher
J
P.S. I am considering revising my opinion about you not being a witch. :-(
Chapter 7 Problem Solving
Dear Tania,
Thanks for sending me your homework. There were very few grammar mistakes, and your spelling was excellent too.
I’m glad to hear that things are getting back to normal in your house. And I was very pleased to hear that your Mum is back home from hospital and she has her voice back. I hope she wasn’t too angry with you.
It is indeed strange that you are seeing so many notices about missing cats on lampposts near your flat. It is more than strange, it is worrying. It would be a really unlucky coincidence if some cat-stealing maniac has started to operate in your neighbourhood. After all the problems you caused the other day, who do you imagine will be the first suspect? If only your mother hadn’t called the army to the airport. Or at least if you hadn’t been on prime time TV news. Please, whatever you do don’t tell your mother about this latest development. We wouldn’t want her to have a relapse.
I think it would be as well to work on a plan of action. I know the Czech police have an unparalleled reputation for being stupid, but, faced with a spate of cat-stealing crimes, even they are going to remember your escapades. And, with their bungling ways, they are certain to arrest an innocent person like you. Given the crime detection record of the police, probably the only safe thing would be to make yourself guilty by going out and stealing a few cats.
On reflection, I think a better idea would be to provide information to the police that would make them take you off the suspects’ list. As you no doubt know from your extensive reading of detective novels, a guilty person needs to have both motive and opportunity. The police know this too, not so much as a result of training, but they too read detective novels. What else do they have to do while they are sitting about in their white cars waiting for some poor driver to exceed the speed limit by half a kilometre an hour?
First of all, let us deal with motive. You must take every opportunity to make the police think that your interest in cats has waned. For example, should you find yourself surrounded by a large number of cats within the earshot of a member of the police force, you should say in a loud clear voice
“ I wish there were a dog about so that I could throw him a bone.”
Naturally, you should never stroke a cat within view of a police station, and in no circumstances should you ever allow a cat to sit on your lap. Replacing those compromising pictures on your bedroom wall with posters of large ferocious dogs would also be a good idea. But perhaps the best tactic would be to start a ‘Society for the Protection of Mice’ in your school.
While these actions should in normal circumstances be enough to establish your innocence, you could be unfortunate enough to come across a particular suspicious and moderately intelligent police agent. Every organisation, including the Czech Constabulary, has its exceptions, and there could well be a detective who remains unconvinced by your performance, however good you may be as an actress. It is therefore important to address the question of opportunity and furnish yourself with a credible alibi for all and every occasion.
It goes without saying that you should contrive to be alone as infrequently as possible. Even if this means joining school clubs and societies in which you have no interest, like ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ or ‘woman’s football,’ it is a small price to pay for your freedom. If you have to walk home from school alone, try singing in a very loud voice, so that people will look out of their windows and will be able to swear to the police that you could not have been at the scene of whatever crime they are trying to pin on you. Wearing outlandish clothes on these occasions will help witnesses to recognise and remember you. Sometimes, however, you will have to be alone for long periods of time, with no one to confirm that you weren’t sneaking into dark houses and removing unsuspecting cats from their warm blankets. For example, what do you do when you’re sleeping? If you snore constantly, you could try tape recording your snoring. Or you could insist that your mother locks you in your room every night, but that would be a bit dangerous in case of fire. Perhaps the best idea would be to keep your parents up all night talking. This will be very tiring for both you and your parents, but hopefully it won’t be too long before the culprit is apprehended.
However, given the severity of the situation, I think you should adopt a more active approach. As we know, it is extremely unlikely that the Czech police will ever find the guilty party unaided, and, as long as the criminal remains at large, you will be under constant suspicion. I therefore suggest that you should undertake a little detective work on your own. Unfortunately Sherlock Holmes cannot help you directly, as he is a fictional character, and even if he weren’t he would have been dead for about a hundred years. But you have read all the books. So, given your undoubted intelligence, you should know how to go about solving what is, after all, a relatively straightforward crime.
So, instead of doing homework, why don’t you begin the investigation now. But please be discreet and don’t draw any more attention to yourself. As soon as you have amassed a reasonable number of adequate clues, write to me. You will then be able to avail yourself of my not inconsiderable intelligence.
Good sleuthing,
Your teacher
J.
Chapter 8 More telephone conversation
“Prague 123456”
“………”
“Oh, hello Tania, How are you?”
“………”
“That’s too bad. At least your grammar is almost perfect. I can’t tell about your spelling on the telephone. Where are you?”
“………”
“The Police Station! I don’t suppose you’re on a routine school trip, are you?”
“………”
“I was afraid you wouldn’t be. But why are you phoning me? I’m a teacher, not a lawyer”
“………”
“No, you were quite right not to phone your mother. It wouldn’t have done her health the least bit of good. Can you explain to me, slowly, what exactly is the problem?”
“………”
“I can’t really hear for the sobs. Please try to stop crying.”
“………”
“But what exactly were you doing in a Cat and Dog home?”
“………”
“No, Tania, I really don’t understand why you thought going to the Cat and Dog home was an important part of your investigation. But we can talk about that later. How did you get in?”
“………”
“ Did you really have to break in through a roof window.”
“………”
“Oh, I’m sure the cats were very cute.”
“………”
“And of course it would be hard to resist wanting to cuddle them.”
“………”
“Tania, what did you expect them to think? We’re in the middle of a crime wave of cat thefts, and the police find a broken roof window in the Cat and Dog home, and you sitting underneath it with a dozen cats in your arms.”
“………”
“Yes, it will take a lot of explaining”
“………”
“No, I don’t have any plausible explanations either”
“………”
“Please don’t cry. Can the policeman speak any English?”
“………”
“O.K. Let me talk to him.”
“………”
“………”
“Hello, officer. What seems to be the problem?”
“………”
“But officer, children go to the Cat and Dog home all the time. Most kids are interested in animals.”
“………”
“You have a point, I have to concede it was a rather unconventional way of getting in.”
“………”
“You want to keep her all night!!! But she’s only a little girl”
“………”
“”What!!! In a cell with real criminals”
“………”
“I see, if you had some sort of guarantee of her good behaviour. Would this be a financial sort of guarantee?”
“………”
“How much?”
“………”
“That seems a bit steep”
“………”
“Well, that’s a bit more reasonable. And when would this sum be refunded?”
“………”
“Non-refundable. I see.”
“………”
“Yes, I appreciate there’s no other way and you’re really doing us a favour”
“………”
“OK I agree. What’s the address?”
“………”
“No, I think I can understand why the pub across the road is better for you. I’ll meet you there in fifteen minutes. Can I speak to Tania?”
“………”
“………”
“Hi Tania, everything’s going to be O.K. I’ll be there to take you home in fifteen minutes.”
“………”
“Yes, they’re going to let you go, this time. But remember, not a word to your Mum.”
“………”
“Bye’.”
Chapter 9 Synonyms for ‘lies’
Dear Tania,
Thank you for your report on the ‘Major Mystery of the Missing Moggie. Your grammar was almost perfect, and your spelling was excellent too. And I did like the alliteration in the title.
First of all, I’m sorry to hear that your Mum is back in hospital. I don’t know why the police decided they had to come to your house to give you a receipt for the ‘fine’: maybe they were being investigated by their own fraud squad. But it was extremely vindictive of them to arrive at your door with their sirens screaming and their blue lights flashing. I’m not surprised your mother collapsed . But at least she’s off the life-support machine now.
After reading your report, I can understand why you felt you had to go to the Cat and Dog home. I liked your idea about collecting the photos from the advertisements for the missing cats, and using them for identification in your investigations. Very clever! But if you had asked me, I could have told you that you wouldn’t find any of the stolen animals in the Cat and Dog home. The Home is there to find homes for cats, not to find cats for the Home. And in any case, breaking and entering through the roof window was, frankly, not a good idea, and would have been totally unworthy of your hero, Mr Holmes. He would have employed a ruse, and that is what you should have done.
A ruse is a kind of a lie, but such a clever one that, if you are found out, people will not say,
“What a wicked little girl telling such a lie”
but
“What an extremely intelligent young person with such a creative story.”
Using a ruse, you can get people to do things or tell you things that they would never do in other circumstances. As you can imagine, ruses can be extremely useful to all sorts of people, for example journalists, private detectives, and, of course, small girls on the trail of a ‘catnapper’. They would also be useful to politicians and Czech policemen, but they unfortunately are not intelligent enough to think them up.
So instead of illegally entering the Home, you might, for instance, have dressed up in a white coat and presented yourself at the front door, carrying a clipboard and a small briefcase.
“I am”, you might have said, “an official from the environmental control office of the local authority and I wish to inspect your conditions of hygiene.” I admit, however, that an eleven year-old health inspector is not an everyday sight, and the responsible persons in the Home might not have believed you. Cat and Dog home caretakers are not usually exactly ex-brain surgeons, but you would have been extremely lucky to come across one who was an ex-Czech policeman (or an ex-politician). Perhaps a simpler ruse might have been more successful, like pretending that you wanted to give a cat a home, and asking to see what they had on offer.
Anyway, what’s done is done. It’s too bad your Mum’s back in hospital, but at least we know for certain that the missing cats aren’t in the Cat and Dog Home. So that’s one suspect eliminated, and now we have to look for others.
I’m afraid I have to raise a delicate and rather distasteful matter here, and I hope it won’t horrify you too much. I think you will need to check out the menus at all the local restaurants. Of course, no restaurant will have been so obvious as to add “Cat Stew’ or “Cat cooked in the Chinese Way’ to its menu, unless of course it is owned by an ex-Czech policeman. But cat meat can easily be disguised as that of another small animal, so if you find that a restaurant has recently introduced ‘Rabbit Goulash’ or “Fricassee of Small (non-domestic) Animals’, you should investigate further. Only, for your mother’s sake, don’t break in in the middle of the night! Use a ruse.
You should pay particular attention to newly opened eating places, which, lacking establishes sources of supply, may have been tempted to find their ingredients in unconventional (and, incidently, inexpensive) ways. Remember here that with any dish of an exotic nature, where a lot of highly seasoned and spicy sauce is used, it is almost impossible to detect the real origins of the basic ingredients. In such cases, it is extremely difficult to verify the true extent of ‘chicken-ness’ in a so-called Chicken Curry.
I think it would also be a good idea to talk to some of the unlucky owners whose cats have disappeared. Obviously, you will have to have some credible reason for interviewing these people, and here is another ideal opportunity for a really good ruse. (or subterfuge) (A synonym is always a useful weapon in your linguistic armoury).
I do not recommend impersonating a policeman. Firstly, it is an extremely serious criminal offence, and secondly, even if you manage to find a uniform which fits you, how many people of normal intelligence do you think will swallow the idea of an eleven year-old guardian of the law? It is possible that some cat owners may be Czech policemen - although it is a statistical fact that policemen prefer dogs, and the bigger and uglier the better – but apart from these few exceptions such a ploy would, I am sure, soon be detected.
If your mother or father have any friends who work for newspapers, they will certainly be able to help you, as it is part of their daily routine to invent clever lies. On the other hand, do not ask any politicians who might be friendly with your parents, as the members of this profession have only ever shown themselves capable of producing very stupid lies.
If you don’t find anything better, may I suggest turning up on doorsteps with a little notebook, and claiming that you are writing an article for your school magazine. This can be very persuasive, particularly if you combine it with a really good ‘sob story’. For example, you could say that your mother is critically ill in hospital (unfortunately frequently true in your case) and that if you get a good mark for this assignment it is almost certain to bring her out of her coma. Faced with such heart rendering circumstances, well presented by a competent actress, few cat owners, who are by nature sentimental creatures, will be able to resist opening their hearts to you.
I think, therefore, that you should continue your investigations along the lines which I have suggested. Only, please be careful, and bear in mind the delicate state of your mother’s health. If you think she suspects something, use a good ruse.
Your teacher
J
Chapter 10. Even more telephone conversation
“Hello, Prague 123456”
“………”
“Oh, hello Tania, how are you?”
“………”
“Oh, that’s too bad. But at least your grammar’s almost perfect. I can’t tell about your spelling on the telephone.”
“………”
“Why do you need somewhere to live? Is your Mum still in hospital?”
“………”
“Well, of course you can stay with us for a few days. When do you want to come?”
“………”
“Right now? Just a second! I’ll check with my wife. Yes, that’s OK, I’ll drive over to your house and pick you up.”
“………”
“Oh, you’re not at home. Where are you?”
“………”
“Pardon?”
“………”
“No, you’re kidding”
“………”
“What, again?”
“………”
“What do the police want with you this time?”
“………”
“Are you alone or is your Dad with you?”
“………”
“Oh, he’s in hospital too. I didn’t think your Dad was the nervous type.”
“………”
“Well, if he’s not the nervous type, why is he in hospital?”
“………”
“The Casualty Department?”
“………”
“With a broken nose and concussion. Was he in some sort of accident?”
“………”
“Hmmm”
“………”
“Hmmm”
“………”
“Hmmm”
“………”
“Perhaps he shouldn’t have told your Mum you were at the police station again. What about your Mum, is she O.K.?”
“………”
“She went back into a coma?”
“………”
“The doctor thought it was the physical effort of throwing the heavy chair at your Dad? And, your Dad, how is he now?”
“………”
“Still under the anaesthetic?”
“………”
“Well, if the doctors are sure that they’ll both recover fully quite soon, you really don’t have anything to worry about, relatively speaking.”
“………”
“I hope you don’t mind me asking, Tania, but you could tell me exactly why the police have taken you into custody?”
“………”
“Routine investigations, really?”
“………”
“Tania, promise me you haven’t committed any more burglaries?”
“………”
“And you haven’t killed anyone?”
“………”
“O.K., stay there! Don’t say anything! Don’t touch anything! If the police ask you any more questions, just cry loudly, or speak to them in Russian! I’ll be there in five minutes.”
“………”
“’Bye.”
Chapter 11 Making plans
Dear Tania,
My wife has asked me to thank you very much for your nice letter. She also asked me to congratulate you on your nearly perfect grammar and your excellent spelling too. She says that she enjoyed having you stay with us, that your manners and behaviour were impeccable, and that she wishes all children were like you. I don’t think your parents would agree with her, just at the moment. However, I am trying to convince them that you are not a naughty or even wicked girl, but merely the victim of a series of unfortunate circumstances.
It must be good to have your Mum and Dad back from hospital. I’m sure that your Dad will start to speak to your Mum again very soon. Once the physical pain goes, I’m certain he will quickly forget about the incident with the hospital chair. As for you, I know you think that your Dad looks very amusing with the big plaster on his nose, but do you really think calling him ‘Mr Spaceman’ is helping the situation?
As for the case of the captured cats, given all the problems it has caused, I wish I could tell you just to drop it. But unfortunately the police now seem to have you in their sights, and drastic action is called for. You may think your parents are in a bad way just now, but what would they be like if you ended up with ten years in prison and a permanent file with the police department? Although I personally couldn’t agree with them, some people might tell you to get a good lawyer. Lawyers are cleverer than Czech policemen and more honest than politicians, but unfortunately there’s not much in it.
(It strikes me that you are maybe thinking that I don’t have a good word to say about anyone, except of course teachers. Let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. You will recall that in earlier letters I expressed an extreme admiration for cats. However, I realise that recently I have been a bit negative, probably as a result of all the unfortunate events that have occurred. So I have resolved to change my ways, and to take every opportunity to praise anyone who I feel is making a significant contribution to society in general. And let me begin by saying that doctors and other hospital workers are doing a wonderful job, particularly with regard to your family.)
But if I were you I would forget lawyers. The only way to defend your threatened reputation is to continue your investigations, but it seems to me that now is the time to call in reinforcements. I have thought long and hard about this and I believe you need to get all your classmates from school to help you. I have considered the element of danger, but I have personally experienced a class full of boisterous eleven- year-olds and I must say I fear more for the criminals. My only hope is that the other children’s parents are more mentally stable than yours, otherwise the local hospital is likely to be overwhelmed.
I have also thought about whether you should tell all your parents about this, but I think it is better to keep ‘mum’. In saying this, my conscience is bothering me a little and I feel a bit of a traitor to the adult world. But adults don’t tell children everything so it seems only fair that children are entitled to a few secrets too. It is also possible that there will be no more unfortunate incidents (although this would seem to be extremely unlikely where you are concerned). If you tell your parents, and nothing untowards happens, you will have worried them for no good reason. And if you tell them, and something does happen, will they be better off? Instead of worrying once, they will only have to worry twice; once when the disaster occurs and once before it, when you inform them of the possibility. And your parents especially don’t need any unnecessary worries just at this moment.
What I propose is that your class forms a vigilante group to seek out and apprehend the cat criminals. You have already gathered a lot of useful information. In your class, there is bound to be one boy who is an expert in computers. He will be easy to recognise because he will have thick glasses, probably freckles, and will only be able to communicate using the beeps and hums you hear from Windows (trademark Microsoft) and computer games. Get him to stop writing nasty computer viruses and hacking into the CIA’s computers for a few moments, and ask him to analyse all the results of your investigation so far. He will almost certainly be able to tell you when and where the next crime will be committed. Then all you have to do is organise your intrepid group of vigilantes to prepare an ambush, and you will be able to catch the miscreant red-handed.
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