Betty and Fred
By David Young
Published by David Young at Smashwords
© David Young. 1998
Cover Artwork by David Young
eISBN 978-0-9870726-4-1
1 Fiction. 2 Self Help. 3 Spiritual. 4 Singles. 1 Title.
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Betty and Fred
Betty had an ordinary name because Betty was an ordinary woman. Betty was not called Helen because Betty's beauty never launched a thousand ships. Nor was she called Venus because Betty was not a goddess. Betty was simply Betty. Betty was Helen and Venus of course, but she didn't know it, and so she called herself Betty like every one else did.
Fred had an ordinary name because Fred was an ordinary man. Fred was not called Adonis because he had an ordinary body. Nor was he called Ulysses because he was not a man who challenged the gods themselves. He was Adonis and Ulysses of course, but he didn't know it, so he called himself Fred like every one else did.
I have said that Betty was a woman, but some Bettys are men. I have said that Fred was a man, but some Freds are women. I might leave that bit out so that I don't get confused.
This story could have been called a myth, but it is not about the deeds of gods and goddesses, it is about Betty and Fred. How can a myth be written about ordinary people? Maybe this story can be a fairy tale. It could be, except that there is no magic and witches, no warlocks, no beautiful princesses or handsome princes, but we do have lots of frogs and that is a beginning. Many readers may not recognise the frogs in the story because they are called Betty and Fred too. This is a very egalitarian ordinary story.
But there is magic in this story, so maybe it can be a fairy tale. The magic is that Betty and Fred can choose their own ending. That is ordinary magic. Betty and Fred are ordinary people. Maybe ordinary magic is the greatest form of magic there is. This story could be an ordinary fairy tale.
Betty and Fred lived a long time ago when everybody was called Betty or Fred because everybody was ordinary.
Betty and Fred live today when everybody is Betty and Fred, because they are ordinary but don't know it. Some Bettys and Freds are named Betty and Fred. They are ordinary too.
Betty and Fred live in the future when everybody will be Betty and Fred. But by then Betty and Fred may realise that Betty and Fred are the names of Goddesses and Gods. And when Betty is a Goddess, (like every other Betty) and Fred is a God (like every other Fred) the Goddesses and Gods may tell myths about ordinary people, so maybe this story is a myth. I hope so.
****
Betty lived with three Freds. Betty didn't know why she lived with three Freds, but that is the way it had always been so she thought that it was the way that it was meant to be. Betty was confused because they were all called Fred so she made her own names for them so that she could tell the difference. Betty didn't know that they were all the same ordinary Freds that this story is about.
The first Fred, Betty called Food. This was because Food would spend his time calling out ‘Food’ and Betty used to run about preparing food for him. Food sat at a big table piled high with food and Betty would stand beside him placing food in his mouth. Betty handfed food to Food because Food had grown so fat that Food, (the Fred called Food, not the food he ate) could not reach around his body to his mouth. As long as Betty kept feeding food to Food, Food was happy, but if Betty stopped, he (Food) would become very angry and yell and scream at Betty. He would yell and scream at Betty that he loved her, but she was a silly stupid woman, no good for anything except feeding him (Food).
Between mouthfuls of food Betty lifted a glass to Food's mouth so that Food could drink. Food ate and drank anything, well, almost anything. One day Betty gave Food a mouthful of quiche and a sip of water. Food, (the Fred called Food) went into convulsions screaming “you stupid no-good woman you've poisoned me”, and with more movement than Betty thought Food capable of, placed the quiche on Betty's head and the water on the floor. After that Betty often wondered what a fatal dose of quiche and water would be.
The second Fred, Betty called Clean. This was a funny name because Fred was far from clean. Fred would leave dirty clothes lying on the floor. Fred would leave dirty footprints wherever he went. When Fred ate he would leave dirty dishes around. The list of dirtiness could go on forever, but by now I think you will have got the idea.
Fred would walk around calling out ‘clean, clean’ and Betty would do her best to clean up after Fred. It was impossible really; Fred could make dirt quicker than anyone could possibly clean up. When Fred found anything that had not been cleaned up after him he would scream at Betty “You are a no-good, useless woman, you can't even keep the place clean”. Betty would say that she was sorry and would try harder.
The third Fred, Betty called Fire. Fire (the Fred called Fire) sat in front of a fire (the type with flames and everything) keeping himself warm. The fire (the one with flames and everything) kept burning low and Betty had to keep placing fuel on the fire. Sometimes the fire went out and Fire (the Fred) would scream out “Betty I love you, light my fire”. By now the more astute reader will realise that the fire is symbolic of another thing. This is a family story, the children might read it, and so some things need to be symbolic. It can't be a fairy story because fairy stories don't have that type of fire. Imagine the outcry if Peter Pan said “Hey, Tinker, come and light my fire”. If this story were a myth it would be OK, some of the gods were regular little arsonists.
****
Now Betty had a big problem. While she was feeding Food (the Fred) food, Clean (the Fred) was screaming “clean, clean”, and Fire (the Fred) was calling out “light my fire”. (By now you know what that means). When she was cleaning Fred would be calling “food, food” and Fred would be calling “light my fire”. After all the feeding and cleaning Betty was too tired to light fires but she did her best. There was just no way that Betty could keep Fred (Food, Clean and Fire) all happy at the same time. Sometimes Betty wished she were a goddess so that she (Betty) could keep Fred happy at the same time. Somehow Betty did not realise that if she was a goddess and she (Betty the goddess) did not have to keep Fred happy all at the same time, but that is another story.
Betty was not happy, but that was Ok because she knew that Bettys are not supposed to be happy, they are supposed to keep Freds happy. Betty did know that she wasstupid and no-good though, she was supposed to keep Fred happy but couldn't.
One day Fred said all together, “If it wasn't for me you wouldn't have all this”. Betty decided that she didn't want ‘all this’ and ran away.
****
On the other side of the forest lived Fred. I forgot to mention the forest. Every good fairy story must have a forest with the heroes living on the edge of the forest and something magical happening in the middle of the forest. Just in case this is a fairy story I have thrown in a forest. It might be useful later. I don't know yet because I am making this up as I go along.
Fred who lived on the other side of the forest was not Fred the Food, Fred the Clean or Fred the Fire, but another Fred. This is the Fred in the title of the story ‘Betty and Fred’. Since they are all Freds, I don't suppose that really matters.
Fred lived with three Bettys. Fred didn't know why he lived with three Bettys, but that is the way it had always been so he thought that it was the way that it was meant to be. Fred was confused because they were all called Betty so he made his own names for them so that he could tell the difference. Fred didn't know that they were all the same ordinary Betty that this story is about.
The first Betty, Fred called ‘Ifyou’. This was because everything that Ifyou said to Fred started with ‘Ifyou loved me then you would....’
The second Betty, Fred called ‘Anteye’. This was because everything that Anteye said to Fred began with ‘Anteye’, (Anteye beautiful, Anteye clever).
The third Betty, Fred called ‘Nogo’. This was because Nogo sat shivering in front of an unlit fire and Fred would say “Can I light your fire for you”, and Nogo would say “Nogo away, I have a headache”. I don't think that there is any need to go through the bit about the symbolic nature of fire, Peter and Tinker, and the arsonist gods again.
Ifyou sat on a large chair that was just like the chair Elizabeth Windsor sits on. Ifyou was surrounded by things. It didn't matter what things Ifyou was surrounded by, provided they were new and expensive. Ifyou never actually used the things; she only needed to have them. Ifyou would say to Fred, “Ifyou loved me you would get me a diamond ring”. And Fred would then run out to the magic forest and get a diamond ring off the ring tree and run back to Ifyou as fast as he could and give her the ring. I now know why all fairy stories have a forest. Forests are very useful because anything can happen in a forest. A writer can get away with the most outrageous, totally ridiculous events if they happen in a forest.
As Fred handed Ifyou the ring she would say “Ifyou loved me you would get me a new car”. Fred would run out into the magic forest and get Ifyou a new car off the new car tree. If getting a car off a tree seems a little far fetched even for a forest in a fairy story I must add that it was a very large tree.
Fred would drive the new car back to Ifyou and as he parked the new car beside her, she would say “Ifyou loved me you would get me a new boat”. That one is a little difficult to explain so I will leave it to the reader’s imagination.
The list of things Ifyou demanded was very long, and so by the time Fred reached the end of the list, the ring, car and boat were old, so Ifyou wanted new ones.
While this was going on Anteye kept calling to Fred, ‘Anteye beautiful?’. To which Fred would reply “Yes Betty, you are the most beautiful Betty in the whole world”. A reminder here, even though Fred called this Betty Anteye she was really Betty like every other Betty in the story. Next Anteye would call out “Anteye clever?”. Fred would reply “Yes Betty, (see previous explanation) you are the cleverest Betty in the whole world. “Anteye desirable?”. “Yes Betty, you are the most desirable Betty in the whole world”. At first Fred believed his answers, but later he used to say these things just to try to keep Betty happy. Really he thought that Betty was ugly, stupid and a real turn off.
Now Anteye had a list just as long as Ifyou and when she reached the end of the list Anteye would start again just like Ifyou.
Trying to keep up with the constant stream of ‘Ifyou's’ and ‘Anteye's’, was very difficult and if he missed just one ‘Ifyou’ or ‘Anteye’, he would be screamed at. Ifyou and Anteye would both use the same words here, “You are a useless no-good stupid Fred and you don't love me any more”. Fred would say he was sorry, it wouldn't happen again, and that he did love them. Fred tried harder and harder to keep Ifyou and Anteye happy but their demands just got faster.
With all this going on it was a wonder that Fred even had time to think about lighting Nogo's fire, but he did, sometimes. Just as well that Nogo always had a headache because it is doubtful if Fred would have had time for fire lighting between the Ifyous and the Anteyes.
Fred was not happy, but that was Ok because he knew that Freds are not supposed to be happy, they are supposed to keep Bettys happy. Fred did know that he was stupid and no-good though, he was supposed to keep Betty happy but couldn't.
One day Betty said all together “If it wasn't for me you wouldn't have all this”. Fred decided that he didn't want ‘all this’ and ran away.
****
Betty ran through the forest as fast as she could to get away from Fred. This was not the Betty called Ifyou, Anteye or Nogo but the one in the Title of the story. Remember we left her running away from Fred (Food, Clean and Fire). She has been running all the time we have been talking about Fred (the one in the Title) and Betty (Ifyou, Anteye and Nogo).
Soon Betty came to a gate in the middle of the forest with a sign over it. The sign simply said ‘Betty’. Betty went through the gate and found herself in a large clearing with Betty and Fred (lots of them) standing around with a glass in their hand and a smile on their face, talking to each other.
Betty met Fred. Betty met Fred Food, Fred Clean, Fred Fire, Fred Ifyou, Fred Anteye and Fred Nogo. Betty talked to them all. At first the conversation seemed strange, but Betty soon got the idea that the conversations were all the same. (What do you expect in a story like this one)? The conversation was in the form of questions and answers. The first question was “What's your name?” This is a rather silly question because the answer is either Betty or Fred, and which of the two answers was the correct one was visually obvious before the question was asked. The second question was “do you come here often?”. This, of course had a variable answer. It depended on how many times this particular Betty had been around the next part of the story. The third question was, “Shall we continue this conversation in bed?” The answer to this question was usually “Yes, you smooth talking person”.
****
Fred ran through the forest as fast as he could to get away from Betty. This is not the Betty in the Title of this story, but Ifyou, Anteye and Nogo. The Fred though, is the Fred in the Title of the Story who has been running away from Betty (Ifyou, Anteye and Nogo) while we have been talking about Betty (the one in the Title) in the clearing in the forest. Soon Fred came to a gate in the middle of the forest with a sign over it. The sign simply said ‘Fred’. Fred went through the gate and found himself in a large clearing with Betty and Fred (lots of them) standing around with a glass in their hand and a smile on their face, talking to each other.
Fred met Betty. Fred met Betty Food, Betty Clean, Betty Fire, Betty Ifyou, Betty Anteye and Betty Nogo. Fred talked to them all. At first the conversation seemed strange, but Fred soon got the idea that the conversations were all the same. (What do you expect in a story like this one)? The conversation was in the form of questions and answers. The first question was “What's your name?” This is a rather silly question because the answer is either Betty or Fred, and which of the two answers was the correct one was visually obvious before the question was asked. The second question was “do you come here often?”. This, of course had a variable answer. It depended on how often this particular Fred had been around the next part of the story. The third question was “Shall we continue this conversation in bed?”. The answer to this conversation was usually “Yes, you smooth talking person”.
****
There where two exits to the clearing, one with the sign ‘Fred’ over it and one with the sign ‘Betty’. The exits did not look very interesting so both Betty and Fred decided to stay in the clearing.
Now Betty and Fred (the Betty and Fred in the Title of the story) saw each other across the crowded clearing and as their eyes met they knew this was a love that would last for ever. (This line has been inserted of course so that this book has appeal to all the ‘Mills and Boon’ fans). Fred and Betty slowly rose into the air and when they where just above the heads of Betty and Fred they were drawn slowly towards each other by a force that could not be denied. Which Betty and Fred it was whose eyes met across the crowded clearing I don't know. It might have been the ones in the Title but I have become confused so I have decided not to worry about it. Betty and Fred (whether they were the Betty and Fred of the Title or not) came together in a passionate embrace in the centre of the clearing and slowly moved towards an exit that neither had noticed before. As they passed through the exit they were totally oblivious to all the other Betty and Fred.
This exit to the clearing was wondrous. It was in the form of a heart that levitated Eight feet above the ground. This is an old time story of course, and for this reason all measurement is in old fashioned language. For those readers born after 1960, eight feet is approximately 2.4384 metres.
The heart exit was just large enough for Betty and Fred to levitate through locked together as one. It had flashing red, white and blue neon lights with a gold hue radiating out to a perfect rainbow that filled the whole sky. Hidden behind the neon lights where fifty speakers that played ‘Love Me Do’ continuously at nine hundred and twenty seven decibels. As a backdrop to all this there was a continuous display of fireworks that were beyond description. The effect of course was lost on Betty and Fred because they didn't even notice. Architects have had this problem since the beginning of time.
As well as the architecture, the heart shaped exit had other magical qualities. As Betty and Fred passed through the heart shaped exit they were instantly transported to Disney Land. I'm not quite certain how this worked but I think there must have been a man who said the magic words “Beam them up Scottie” just as Fred and Betty reached the centre of the heart.
Disney Land really is a magical place. First it is heaven to Architects who can build very expensive buildings that pretend to be something they are not and people believe that they are, even though they know that they are not. The fees are big, and everybody sees and believes what they want to see and believe even if they know all is not as it seems. Every Architect is Fred or Betty, so even they believe what their buildings pretend to be, even though they know they are not.
Disney Land is also heaven for out of work actors with large debts.
Betty and Fred finding themselves magically transported to Disney Land and believing everything they think they see, walked entwined together to the Magic Castle. No Disney Land could be complete without a Magic Castle in the middle. In the centre of the castle was large heart shaped room with stained glass walls depicting scenes that have no place in a family fairy tale. In the centre of the room there was a heart shaped fire that was ready to be lit. Betty and Fred lit the fire and lay down in front of it believing that it would never go out. It did of course, and Betty and Fred were suddenly cold.
Just then Tinkerbell came in through the wall. This is not too difficult for a clever Architect to arrange. Having lit Peter's fire for him during her lunch break, Tinkerbell was ready to resume the duties she was paid for. Tinkerbell told Betty and Fred to stand and face each other, and then she waved her wand and said the magic word ‘Reality’. Fred immediately started jumping up and down screaming “Food, Clean, Fire” over and over. Betty immediately started jumping up and down screaming “Ifyou, Anteye, Nogo” over and over. Suddenly Betty and Fred saw the other as they were and ran out of the castle through opposite walls and found themselves back in the clearing in the centre of the forest.
Having learnt the language last time Betty and Fred got straight back into the swing of things.
Now Betty and Fred saw each other across the crowded clearing and as their eyes met they knew this was a love that would last for ever. (This line has been inserted of course so that the book has appeal to all the ‘Mills and Boon’ fans).
Some Betty and Freds reading this story may have realised that I am repeating parts of the story as symbolic of the repeating pattern of Betty and Fred. Those Betty and Freds can now make the choice as to if they want to read the next bit again, or get out of the repeating pattern of this story. If you want to get out of the repeating pattern just fast forward until you get to #####.
Fred and Betty slowly rose into the air as if by magic and when they where just above the heads of Betty and Fred they were drawn towards each other by a force that could not be denied. They came together in a passionate embrace in the centre of the clearing and slowly went out through an exit that neither had noticed before. As they passed through the exit they were totally oblivious to all the other Betty and Fred.
This exit to the clearing was wondrous. It was in the form of a heart that levitated Eight feet above the ground. This is an old time story of course, and for this reason all measurement is in old fashioned language. For those readers born after 1960 eight feet is approximately 2.43840 metres.
The heart was just large enough for Betty and Fred to levitate through locked together as one. It had flashing red, white and blue neon lights with a gold hue radiating out to a perfect rainbow that filled the whole sky. Hidden behind the neon lights where fifteen speakers that played ‘Love Me Do’ continuously at nine hundred and twenty seven decibels. As a backdrop to all this there was a continuous display of fireworks that where beyond description. The effect of course was lost on Betty and Fred because they didn't even notice. Architects have had this problem since the beginning of time.
As well as the architecture the heart shaped exit had other magical qualities. As Betty and Fred passed through the heart shaped exit they were instantly transported to Disney Land. I'm not quite certain how this worked but I think there must been a man who said the magic words “Beam them up Scottie”, as Fred and Betty passed through the centre of the heart.
Disney Land really is a magical place. First it is heaven to Architects who can build very expensive buildings that pretend to be something they are not and people believe that they are, even they know that they are not. The fees are big and everybody sees and believes, even if they know it is not what it seems. What more could an Architect ask for?
It is also heaven for out of work actors with large debts.
Betty and Fred found themselves magically transported to Disney Land and believing everything they think they see, walk entwined together to the Magic Castle. No Disney Land could be complete without a Magic Castle in the middle. In the centre of the castle was large heart shaped room with stained glass walls depicting scenes that have no place in a family fairy tale. In the centre of the room there was a heart shaped fire that was ready to be lit. Betty and Fred lit the fire and lay down in front of it believing that it would never go out. It did of course, and Betty and Fred were suddenly cold.
Just then Tinkerbell came in through the wall. This is not too difficult for a clever Architect to arrange. Having lit Peter's fire for him during her lunch break Tinkerbell was ready to resume the duties she was paid for. Tinkerbell told Betty and Fred to stand and face each other, and then she waved her wand and said the magic word “Reality”. Fred immediately started jumping up and down screaming “Food, Clean, Fire” over and over. Betty immediately started jumping up and down screaming “Ifyou, Anteye, Nogo” over and over. Suddenly Betty and Fred saw the other as they were and ran out of the castle through opposite walls and found themselves back in the clearing in the centre of the forest.
Having learnt the language last time Betty and Fred got straight back into the swing of things.
****
You may wonder how I did that. First I pushed a button on my computer to make part of the story black. Them I pushed another button marked ‘copy’. Finally I pushed a button marked ‘paste’ and my computer automatically wrote part of this story again. It's the computers version of a repeating pattern. Very useful. I could make five thousand words into one hundred thousand words with no effort at all. All I need to do is to keep going round in circles like Betty and Fred.
The name ‘Fred’ in the Title of this story actually came from the name of my friend Betty's computer, named Fred (Flipping Ridiculous Electronic Device) that never repeats a pattern, even when the same buttons are pushed. I may tell you about Fred the computer in another story, and why Betty has decided that it was definitely designed by a man.
If the reader feels like going around in circles in the same old repeating pattern, click here and do it all again.
For those readers who are tired of going around in circles it is time for Betty and Fred to start creating their own magic.
Now Betty and Fred saw each other across the crowded clearing and as their eyes met they knew this was a love that would last for ever. Just as they were about to levitate and do the whole thing over again Betty decided she had had enough of going round in circles and instead chose to leave by the exit marked Betty. Fred chose to leave by the exit marked Fred.
Betty found herself in a long tunnel.
As Betty started to walk down the tunnel she heard the sound of an engine coming towards her and soon she saw a big Mac truck coming down the tunnel towards her. The truck was big, and I mean VERY BIG. It was painted black, red, yellow, orange and pink with multicoloured pin striping with little scrolls and flowers around the outside. The cabin was sixteen feet high (do your own conversion this time) with a big upside down wing on top and seven air horns each side. On the front of the Mac was a big chrome bull bar with nine spotlights. The truck was thirty seven feet long and covered with fairy lights. On the side in large red letters with white trim was the legend ‘KING OF THE ROAD’. All this charged down the tunnel on twenty three wheels each seven feet high and three feet wide.
Most trucks have an even number of wheels, but this one had an odd number of wheels to show that it was not an ordinary truck. There had to be something in the story that isn't ordinary. In the driver’s seat, ten feet above the ground, sat Fred, and beside him sat a young pretty Betty with a new born baby in her arms.
I am trying to find a symbolic meaning for the truck, but I must admit that it is there to appeal to ‘Country and Western’ fans, and pretty young Bettys with new born babies in their arms always help in that market.
Betty tried to run out of the way but there was no where to run to. With air horn blaring, the truck runs Betty over and she thought she was dead. But she wasn't. Betty picked herself up and just has she had finished checking that she was all right she heard the sound of an engine and the truck came down the tunnel and did the whole thing over again. And again, and again and again.
I was tempted to use my computer there to write the same thing over and over again. It would have been good for another two thousand words, but I thought it might have been a bit like overkill.
Betty decided that if she was going to spend the rest of her life being run over by a Big Mac (the truck type, not the hamburger) she might as well stop running away and face it. Then magic happened and Betty saw for the first time that she didn't have to spend her life being run over by a truck. Betty stood facing the truck as it came down the tunnel. When the truck was about to hit her, it simply vanished.
As the truck vanished, the tunnel came to an end and Betty found herself in a beautiful valley with a cool stream flowing slowly to a tree lined pond. Around the pond sat Betty and Fred, but somehow this Betty and Fred were different from the Betty and Fred at the centre of the Forrest. It was all very peaceful.
As Betty sat by the pond enjoying the peace Fred came out of a tunnel. “What happened to you?” said Betty. “You won't believe it” replied Fred, “There was this big truck”. “I believe it” said Betty.
Betty met Betty, Betty, Fred, Fred and Fred by the pond and Betty and Fred didn't know what to do next. “Let’s start by forgetting the image that we are Betty and Fred, and find out who we really are,” said Betty and Fred together. “Then we can go to Paradise”.
Betty found she was Helen.
Betty found she was Venus.
And Betty found she was Penelope.
Fred found he was Hercules.
Fred found he was Ulysses.
Fred found he was Zeus.
But unlike the gods of old, the new Gods lived together in peace and harmony.
****
David Young has a variety of life experiences. He was born in London, England and migrated to Australia in his early twenties. David has had a various career paths, starting as a Builders labourer through Draftsperson, Flying Instructor, Architect and Writer, with considerable overlap.
David’s Alternative series of books examine society’s belief system to see if there are alternative interpretations or aspect to the many believes we take to be true without thinking. Many things are not as they seem to be.
The Alternative series of books include:
Alternative Jesus
Alternative Genesis
Alternative Relativity
Other Titles by David Young
Spiritual Ramblings
Stairway to heaven
Betty and Fred