Awkward, Betrayal, I & The One
Rachael Payne
Copyright 2011 by Rachael Payne.
Smashwords Edition
Contents
Awkward... Page 3
Betrayal... Page 6
I... Page 8
The One... Page 12
Awkward
His awkwardness had always made him alienated from other people. His genius made them jealous and his ability to speak his mind made it difficult for people to like him. That's why he had chosen a life of solitude, with only his mentor to keep him company.
He had never had a family, had been orphaned at a young age and left in the care of the state. But he was far too gifted to stay in a place like that, that's when his mentor had found him and taken him to live with him. In this environment he had learnt to expand his knowledge, he could feed his need to study, keeping himself in isolation.
He was never able to interact with people properly, a mainstream career was not for him. Instead he opted for a life in a top secret government agency where he could fight evil criminals and promote justice. He, of course, used an alias, he couldn’t let people know his real name or where he really came from and that suited him.
But now sitting opposite from her he felt that he had missed out on a part of life that he had long since forgot and thought impossible. Her plain demeanour and gentle smile elicited feelings in him he didn’t really understand.
She had heard stories about him, that he was awkward to work with but she had longed to see him and to work for him. Seeing him for the first time she was surprised, she didn’t expect him to be so young. He must have been about her age and through the scruffy hair and baggy clothes he was oddly quite attractive. She herself was also quite intelligent and had been put ahead a few years at school, she had graduated from college and went straight into the FBI.
Her reason for joining the FBI happened when she was 9 years old. Her mother and step father were murdered by her step brother. She had to move away, changed her name, did everything to make herself disappear, it was as though she too had died that night along with her parents.
Her job in the FBI meant going under cover most of the time, she had nothing but her job so she gave it everything she had and did whatever she deemed necessary to get the information she needed.
But now, looking into his eyes she saw a feeling that was unfamiliar to her. She looked inside herself and became aware that she had this feeling, this urge to reach over to him, to lean out and put her hand to his face, to touch his cheek and press her lips on his. She wondered if he’d ever been kissed before, if he knew what to do if she did kiss him. She stopped herself. She shouldn’t be having those kinds of thoughts about him and besides he would never think of her like that.
Beautiful, simply put she was beautiful. She had broken their stare but he could not stop looking at her. It was as though he was seeing her for the first time, why hadn’t he seen this of her before? She had just asked him something but he heard nothing, just saw the movements of her lips and as he began to ponder about how her lips would feel on his, his rational brain kicked in and he found himself enquiring what she had said.
The question seemed pointless as she asked it but she had to break the entrancing silence. Slow was her breathing, her chest rising gradually, pausing, and then exhaling. She gazed at him, her look a mix of awe, wonder, attraction. She was poised waiting for his answer, waiting for him to speak but even though he answered her question with more than a sentence she couldn’t hear a word. She smiled the kind of smile that hid a secret, a good secret, a happy secret. She had seen something in him she never thought possible.
He was confused for a moment, she had smiled half way through his answer, she wasn’t listening to him. She had asked him a question for no reason, there was no logic behind it, unless... what should he do now?
Unaware that he had stopped mid sentence, there was now a silence, not awkward but not comfortable as they each pondered what they wanted to do and what they should do next.
BETRAYAL
“I have no brother.” She said as she walked away. “I never have.” Words to scar and burn for the hate that raged drove her to it. How could he, that ignorant, misguided messed up idiot. Blood is not thicker than water. It seems all that matters to a person is money, sex and themselves, in that order.
She had always been different from them, quieter, more intelligent and not willing to end up as them in boring factory jobs struggling to make ends meet or living on benefits. Maybe that’s why they ignored her, why they found it so uncomfortable to even say “How are you?”
Pathetic, she thought. Now as she drove she gained speed, rage seemed to take over as she automatically drove down familiar streets that held haunting memories she had tried hard to repress. Anger made her drive faster now. Not stopping where she should she continued to roads she barely knew and when miles had passed and she recognised nothing, she kept going.
Thinking all the while of revenge and how she could hurt him and hurt all of them so they could even feel an ounce of the loneliness, desperation and emptiness that plagued her everyday of her life, in everything she did. Never trusting anyone, never letting anyone in, loosing friends after a year or two and the hate that consumed her every breath was because of them. If they had been there, if they had asked what’s wrong just once in her lifetime maybe things would be different. Instead when she cried she got, “Don’t be so sensitive.” Can’t these people see that this is their doing? She is the way she is because of the way she was raised and her personality growing up was affected by those around her, this is the type of family she lives in, ignorant, narrow-minded, uneducated.
She had always thought she was adopted or something, she must have been, she is so different from them. Maybe this was her punishment for believing she could do better for herself. Nothing ever went her way, things always went wrong ...her job, her father.
Tears stung her eyes and blurred her vision as she tried to focus on the journey she was taking. Without realising it, and typical, it was raining. She had been so angry she hadn’t noticed yet had managed to turn the windscreen wipers on.
BEEP!! She hadn’t been paying attention and had cut up a car on the motorway but she didn’t care. She could have died or killed the person in that car but it was as though she wasn’t there, she had gone to another place in her mind that allowed her to cope with such a disloyalty.
Let the world burn and everyone in it, she didn’t care. What good is this world when those that are supposed to love you let you down or make you feel unwanted?
Driving through the night she had no idea where she was, she thought about going to certain places but when it came down to it all she could do was keep on going as though if she stopped she would cease to exist. She did briefly wonder if they would think of her but then told herself that they couldn’t care so neither would she, which seemed to give her satisfaction. Why should she care? Why should she waste even one more millisecond thinking of them after everything they made her feel? It seemed the further away she got the better she felt.
When it got to sunrise she found herself driving a winding road that led to a cliff and before she knew it she had left her car and began walking towards the edge of the cliff. The wind blew hard against her face and the crashes of the waves below made her feel alive, something she had not felt in a very long time. When the wind washed through her hair it was as though it was trying to whisper something to her but she couldn’t quite hear it, if only she listened, if only they listened.
Tears flowed again as though they were the waves of the sea themselves and as she considered her self conclusion she thought, “is this it?”
I
I'm waiting. I've been waiting here for ages.
Why don’t they come and get me? What are they doing in there? What is it that is so much more important than me?
I should be the most important one, me. I’ve been here for so long.
And clearly I'm more in need of their services than whoever it is that is with them now. Look at me. I look a mess, my hands are shaking and my leg’s going crazy over here. I mean, come on. LOOK AT ME.
I've been like this for days. I don’t know what it is, no one knows what it is. What is it?
It’s a nice shade of baby blue this room they’ve got me in. Nice, calm. The dusky green of the lino floor has those little sparkly bits in it. Nice. It’s all so nice. The chair could be a little comfier but then I'm not supposed to be sitting on it for this long. I should move, my backside is getting numb.
That’s it, one up, then the other, straighten the coat out over my knees again. Look cool, smooth the sleek hair back and then, relax.
No one else in this room. Just me.
Only me.
Come to think of it there’s only one chair in this room, and I'm sat on it. Only one chair in this box of a room. Plastic, mustard and hard. If I move too much would it scrape on the floor?
Probably. Then they’ll know that I’ve moved, they’ll think I'm impatient. No, no, it’s best to just sit still. Sit perfectly still and wait. Wait for them to come and get me.
Now the boredom sets in. What should I do, play I-spy? With what? These four walls are completely blank. Nothing but thin lines of years old dried paint. Maybe I could count the lines, or the cracks in the white wooden skirting board. Maybe that in itself would be a most tedious task.
Ah I've been here too long. I'm going. Yes I'm just going to get up off this chair, walk to the heavy iron door in front of me and just walk out. That’s right, I’ll just leave. Just push myself off this chair. In three, two...
Wait. What if they come and get me next and I'm not here? They could be busy. It would be rude of me to just get up and go and for them to come and find me when I'm not here.
No, it’s best just to wait. Just keep waiting a little longer. They’ll be here in a minute.
I think I have been waiting here so long that I can’t remember if I remembered to turn off the stove. Do we have a stove? No, yes that’s right, mother has a stove. Silly things we think of when we have nothing else to do. Silly little things we remember when our minds have nothing else to occupy themselves with.
Of course I won’t be able to get a lift back home now, they’ve kept me waiting so long.
What’s on the TV tonight? Wait I'm sure I thought about this earlier. How strange, I can’t remember what day it is.
It’s Thursday. No, no, no, it’s Wednesday. How stupid of me.
Oops. Think I laughed out loud a little then. Did they hear me?
No, of course not. It’s not as if they’re watching me is it?
I think I'm starting to get a little paranoid. It’s this room and its damn blue walls with absolutely nothing on them.
If I could have something to look at it wouldn’t be so bad. A Monet painting or something pretty. Something to give this place more colour, brighten it up a bit. Oh, what they could really do with is some magazines. A nice little coffee table with home and garden magazines, maybe even fishing magazines. And more chairs, they really need more chairs. Better chairs too, ones with cushions so that your bum doesn’t fall asleep.
Take a deep breath but try not to make it obvious that you are annoyed. I don’t want to be rude.
But maybe if they see that I'm getting fed up, someone might explain to me what is going on. Yes, good idea. Sit back in the chair, slouch a little and fold your arms. A little higher on the chest.
That way when they walk past they’ll know how long I’ve been waiting. They’ll see that I'm unimpressed and they’ll get something sorted. How could they not? It’s bad service to leave someone sat here for so long.
Unless, unless they're testing me. Ridiculous, testing me for what?
Yes, testing me for what?
What would they want to test me for? I'm perfectly normal, I'm in full health. What do they think I'm going to do?
I came here didn’t I? I’ve been sat in this room for what seems like forever, haven’t I?
Yes I have, been sat here quite possibly all day.
All of what day?
All day. Is it? There's no clock in this room. I'm not wearing a watch so I can’t even tell how long it’s been.
Well it can’t have been that long. No one could keep someone waiting that long. Unless it’s at an airport where delays are to be expected. And you know you have to understand that it’s not their fault. Sometimes it’s bad weather and you can’t control those things, no one can.
We can’t control the weather, or the sea. We, all of us have no real power.
Oh there it was again, that little laugh out loud I did before. Oh dear. I don’t know what’s gotten into me today, I seem to be all over the place.
What must these people think of me, sat on my own, laughing to myself. And... wait.
No wait what is that?
Someone’s coming, yes very quietly someone’s coming to the door. Is it? Are they?
What are they doing? Open the door, come and get me, I'm in here. Why aren’t they opening the door?
Shush, listen.
They're watching me.
The One
She was the one. She was everything.
She was the best and worst thing that could have ever happened to me. And when I think back now I know I wouldn't change a single moment, not the fear, not the running, not the excitement or the passion.
That night, that is the one that clings so vividly in my mind. It still causes my heart to burn with love.
Standing in that old theatre, the roof missing yet the stage still so alive, moonlight glistening and shimmering down upon our faces, lighting our frames and the outlines of her curves. It was a perfect moment, just us two.
And she ran, barefoot along the dusty floor, no wood could be seen, only dirt and she didn't care. Flakes of the old carpet lay strewn here and there and I watched as she weaved amongst the collapsed beams and the fallen seats. This theatre had long been forgotten.
Further away she darted, closer to this once magnificent stage. Heavy wooden steps led to the vast performance area, she giggled as she glanced over her shoulder at me.
I moved closer.
Part of the large draping crimson curtain still remained, tattered and dusty, clinging on for dear life to the rusty pole that held it up. I smiled when I saw her hiding mysteriously behind it. She wanted me to find her, to go to her. And there was no doubt, I would follow her blindly.
She danced in the middle of the stage and then the rain began. Slowly at first, heavy droplets thudded down hitting the dusty ground beneath our feet. As if in slow motion the drops caused devastation to the sandy floor, and they gained in speed, more and more of them came.
I felt them on my face, the chill of them made my body react, shivers rose from the bottom of my spine all the way to my neck. It was refreshing, it was cleansing and pleasurable.
Looking up to the sky through the empty ceiling of the building I let the rain take me as the moment took her. I began to dance, arms in the air, feet kicking in front of me, spinning in circles. And she laughed as I did, loud fits of joyful giggles. How foolish we must have looked, the two of us dancing like mad men in an old run down theatre. But I was too exhilarated to care.
I stared up to the moonlit sky, this celestial body was so close to us and I found myself thanking the night. I let the rain roll down my face and held my arms up above my head, to feel the precious, cold water dripping through my fingers.
I looked back down and she was right in front of me. Drenched as she was, clothes almost see through, hair a tangled mess, sticking to her face, she was beautiful still. The cold made her skin whiter, it stood out amongst the darkness of her hair.
Looking at her I forgot the rain, forgot how freezing it was and ignored the fact that my breath created clouds as it interacted with the air around us. How blissful this is, I thought.
And then she kissed me. Wet lips, we were kissing the rain. The closer she stepped the more my heart thundered. Passion swept us away, we were giving into lust.
A true perfect moment.
I felt nothing but her presence, heard nothing, saw nothing but her. For as long as I live there could never be another moment such as this. The feelings are too intense to describe in any accurate terms. I know I felt love, an enigmatic pulsing of every limb in my body, my muscles quivering with excitement and nerves. I wished for this moment to never end.
And then I heard the sirens. Wailing screeches, first as background noise but rapidly coming closer.
The moment was gone. The feelings now became fear and I turned to face the lights that were blurred through the rain in the distance.
My first thought was to run, we had to get away and I quickly spun around to face her. She, who was no longer there. I stood alone on that stage, the rain still hammering down, all around me was wet and puddles gathered here and there where the floor was uneven.
Gone, she had gone. Left me there where we had stood not minutes before. My perfect moment became washed away in the rain, just like the dust. I could not move from the spot. The noises became louder but I didn't look away. All the excitement was gone, replaced with confusion and pain. She was the drug to my addiction, now it had been ripped away and I was left to suffer.
My own thoughts bewildered me. There was no sign of her, it was as if she had never existed at all.
And where she went? I suppose I’ll never know.