Versus for Women
By Emmanuel Obi, Jr
Copyright 2011 Emmanuel Obi, Jr
Smashwords Edition
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How it started
One of my best friends, Emily Stephens, made the following comment on Facebook about whether she would date Superman or Batman:
It's a tough choice... but if I had to I'd say... I'd party hard with Batman but take Superman home to meet Mom. Yeah... he's the one you'd wanna marry and have kids with. Batman has some darker issues he should work through first... still I bet he's a beast on the dance floor. *food for thought*
It received tons of replies. One of which being mine:
Sorry Emigail - Superman is a cheater. Think about it, he flies around in tights (underwear) stands with his hands on his waist with a "cat-that-ate-the-canary" smile. Thinking to himself, "yeah check out my package" He's an overcoat away from being a flasher. He's a show-off which means he's insecure and has low self-esteem. He'll nail anything walking. Batman, . . . no no no, my favorite superhero is not suitable. He may be a good dancer but he has way too many Michael Jackson like tendencies. When the first Robin got too old, he became Nightwing and instead of getting an older partner he got another little boy. That little boy died. Then he got another little boy. He's had more little boys then most priests. And Batgirl who was hot and was trying to get down on the bat-c**k was ignored. Catwoman, who wanted to smoke some bat-sausage - rejected. So who is suitable? the Flash? nope, he's a minute man. Spider-man? you may end up with stick stuff in your hair (girls tell me that's no good) Captain America? he's clearly a Republican and by that virtue is homophobic and racist. The only right companion is . . . Mr Fantastic from the Fantastic Four. If he can stretch "other things" the same way he stretches his arms and legs . . . I'm just saying, it'll be your own Goldilocks man stick. Not too big not too small, just right. Tailor made for your pleasure. You wouldn't have clothes that fit so well
Following this her Aunt, Dana Gynther, asked me to give my opinion about Angel versus Spike (from TV's Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel):
This is the classic story of the sensitive poetic good guy vs. the aggressive cool bad boy. Every woman says they want a good guy but will constantly ignore him for the bad boy *cough*Emily *cough* Angel is the super sensitive poetic loving good guy. A tortured soul that made sweet and gentle love to virgin Buffy and turned into a d*** the next day (typical frat guy - btw Angel 227 Buffy 16 - can you say statutory?) Spike is beyond the stereotypical bad boy, he is essentially the prototype. Side-note: Any guy that keeps his hair bleach blonde without the aid of a reflection is potentially gay. Spike f***ed Buffy so hard that they brought down a house! (Here's a sex tip fellas: If you want a girl to fall in love with you take the Angel approach; if you want a girl NOT to leave you take the Spike approach) Sensitive poet would get old when you realized that he cried harder at the Notebook than you. The bad boy would get old after your third trip to the clinic to clear up your gonorrhea. So who is the alternative to these two unsuitable candidates? Clearly it's Giles, distinguished and well spoken, observant and thoughtful but he has a bit of a bad boy past which he keeps hidden which clearly means that once the doors are closed you'll end up breaking the headboard at least. First chance he got he put it to Buffy's mom on the hood of a car . . .
So now I've decided to give my opinion on a few more "match-ups." A very special thanks to Emily and Dana for helping me with this. Hopefully it gets a few laughs. Let me know what you think and if you have any other match-ups please let me know.Twitter @efaceless
The Joker vs. Batman
So why Batman and the Joker and not Superman versus Lex Luthor? Because that would be too easy. The good-looking high school jock versus the high school nerd. Even though every girl will regret picking her balding former athlete with the increasing beer gut over the rich geek that grew out of his acne and into his looks, she will still take the six-pack and good hair over Mr. Pepperoni-face and chess club.
The only thing certain about Batman and the Joker is that both of them are out of their minds. With the Joker it's clear but Batman?
After his parents were killed - ice cream for breakfast! - he travelled the world training to be an elite crime fighter. Now, he will battle the worst of the worst and not even use a gun . . . is that not insane? He could have donated billions of dollars and made the police force an army of trained super soldiers and stayed home and fucked loose, high class women. But nooooo, he dresses up like a bat and finds young boy companions with their butt-flowers intact.
The Joker. He dyes his hair and wears more make-up than Dr. Frank-N-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He's a sequined night gown away from being a drag queen. Instead, he sports a purple suit that is a major fashion faupa unless you're a Baptist preacher from Mississippi that's preaches the virtues of faithfulness while banging half the women in his congregation behind his wife's back (I think she knows though).
So, rodent boy or the racist bible-beater? What about Robin? Red tights, a crappy job with no chance of advancement and a good-looking, rich, oppressive boss . . . You'll spend all night holding him as he cries because couldn't get an erection or trying to convince him that you weren't thinking about his boss when you said "Fuck me, Dark Knight."
The Riddler? Too much like a woman.
"Why are you upset with me honey?"
"Solve this riddle!"
Bane, obviously! Any guy willing to pump that much Viagra into his body - yes, that's Viagra - clearly cares about being a good, generous lover. That generosity will bleed into other areas of the relationship.
Eric vs. Bill
First off, the thing that bothers me about True Blood is that Eric vs Bill is just a rated-R version of Spike vs. Angel. I like True Blood, but I'm a die hard Angel/Buffy fan. Secondly, does Anna Paquin have it in her contract that she has to be naked in every episode. Does she read through the script and complain? "Wait, wait, I'm not naked in this one. It needs to be re-written." I like boobies as much as the next guy, but we get it Anna, you have nipples.
Anyway, at first glance you'll think Mr. Reliable versus the Bad Boy. Bill is reliable and stable, loving and caring, right? So, why is it every time Sooki is in danger Bill can't be found. He's always with his vamp friends politely asking if he can leave.
Bill: "Oh no, the woman I love is in danger and I need to save her life. May I please leave?"
Whoever: "No."
Bill: "Okay"
Grow some balls dude.
Eric is a homicidal psychopath but at least you know what you're getting. The problem with Eric is his patience. It's safe to assume that nagging about the toilet seat being up will result in him wearing your spine as a necklace. (How many times I wished I could do that to an ex.)
That leaves you with who? Dog-man? Trust me, pub-fleas are annoying (long story). Jason? I leave more intelligence on the street corner after a few too many shots at Paddy's.
The one and only answer is . . . Lafayette. Yes, Lafayette. Fashion advice, loves to gossip, can cook and can do your make up. What about that whole sex thing? Take your credit card to Vibrators-R-Us.
Side-note: I wrote this a couple of weeks ago when I was only half way through the third season. I've caught up now. What the fuck happened?
Peter Pan vs. Captain Hook
Captain Hook has the lead in this battle. He owns his own boat, has servants, a job that will take you all over the world and a hand that has the potential to be a sexual Swiss army knife. His problem: he doesn't strike me as the type to pay his taxes. I'll call Dwayne Johnson's mother a cunt to his face before I fuck with the IRS.
Any woman that has dated a guy that spends more time playing video games than working will know why you don't want young master Pan. At least most guys will deny their immaturity before spending three hours on their fantasy football team but Peter openly admits he doesn't want to grow up. Besides, try explaining to the cops that the 12 year-old plowing you in the back of your Toyota Camry is from a magic land and is actually a couple hundred years old. You'll end up in a padded room instead of a cell.
That leaves you with the following: Smee. Any of Captain Hook's men will have the same IRS problem AND no hygiene. One of the Lost Boys. Same problem as Peter AND it's clear Peter is the oldest . . . cops aren't going to buy your excuse and women's prisons are worse than men's. They have to be creative when you drop the soap in the shower.
Clearly, it's any of the native Americans so racistly portrayed in the animated feature - That's right. Pocahontas didn't make anybody forget. You'll end up sleeping on the ground under a stretched animal skin but you won't care because you'll be stoned out of your mind.
Voldemort vs Dumbledore
This is really a question of where you are in your life: below 35 or above. Below 35 and you're blowing Voldemort in a bathroom stall at a club called Sky Bar. Above 35 and you're giving Dumbledore your number so he can take you to some nice restaurant called Jean Paul's with an arrogant waiter - you're a failed actor, cut the attitude.
He who shall not be named is dominant, aggressive, ambitious and he is the guy that will treat you like you're worthless - which will make you want him more. Not to mention, he's powerful - sure he got his ass kicked by a kid in puberty - but that was an off day for him. His downfall would be his obsessive nature. If you're with him you don't get to leave until he says he's done. Break up with him and he'll be watching you ride your new boyfriend from your neighbors bushes with night vision binoculars and a pair of your dirty panties pressed under his nose.
Dumbledore is more likely to do all those sweet things you see in a horrible RomCom starring Cameron Diaz. Something nice about waking up in the morning to scrambled eggs, bacon, toast and fresh squeezed orange juice - no pulp - floating above your lap. Dumbledore will be every thing you need emotionally and intellectually. Supportive, understanding, a true romantic - flowers on Wednesday just to say I love you. He's everything except good in bed. That's right, sex so horrible that you wished he was a minute man just so it would be over. Why? Let's just say his magic wand was hit by a shrinking spell. He walks as though he's gliding . . . light foot steps . . . nothing weighing him down. Why do you think ninjas are so silent? I've never seen a black ninja.
Hagrid trumps both the man with Michael Jackson's face and the man with Michael Jackson's penis (We all know it's true. Light on his feet? 27 years of trying and I still can't do the Moonwalk) Hagrid is not only sensitive and nurturing but he is half giant. That has to come with a few more benefits than protection. Hell, we know the ground shakes when he walks.
Neo vs Agent Smith
First off, how does Keanu Reeves end up in so many movies I like: The Matrix, The Replacements, Constantine, Speed, I love you to death . . . Is it just me? . . . Is he actually a good actor and I'm not seeing it? (Check my blog for the full rant - obijr-eo.tumblr.com)
Anyway, this may not go the way you think. Both have attractive qualities - intelligence, power and well-tailored clothing, but what you may not see is that Neo is technically the bad guy.
Just ask yourself this, would you rather "be a slave" and live a nice, warm, beautiful world or "be free" and be stripped from a comfortable place, shoved into the real world where the sun is blocked out and you have to live in a fucking cave? I'll take slavery, shove a cable into the back of my head and let me chill on the beach. Ignorance is bliss and Agent Smith is just trying to keep us happy. In fact, have you noticed that those pod things that house the humans look a lot like a womb? Ask any baby, warm and well-feed mama's belly or on Dr. Jackass's cold table?
Neo is the whore you met in college that's trying to pull you from the loving mama Agent Smith. Not to mention, Neo can "control" the Matrix, right? So why is he the only one that can fly? He's fucking selfish.
As much as I have praised Agent Smith, like any other mother, he needs to learn when to let go. You have over six billion people providing you with energy and you're wasting that energy chasing three of them. Fuck it, even if they free a million people 99.5% of them will get pissed at the horrible living accommodations and night-time cave raves. They will come crawling back. But no! You're too you're too stubborn for that.
So what do we have here: a selfish whore and an obsessive, stubborn mother? Great options.
The only logical choice is Trinity. She's strong, muscular and loyal. But she's a woman?! So, every heterosexual person has a same sex crush, for whatever reason. Johnny Depp can totally have my ass-cherry.
Check out Versus for Men and Women. Versus for Men: Good vs Evil coming soon.
Any suggestions - Twitter @efaceless