Alicia's Two Years:
The First Six Months
by
Joshua Renneke
SMASHWORDS EDITION
*****
PUBLISHED BY:
Joshua Renneke on Smashwords
Alicia's Two Years:
The First Six Months
Copyright © 2011 by Joshua Renneke
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Chapter One
June
Strangers never thought anything of Alicia until they saw her drunk. Every party she went to, she met people who instantly knew they wouldn’t care enough to remember her name even though she seemed nice enough.
“Nice enough” can be a curse if you have nothing else going for you.
Alicia was a girl you wouldn’t be upset about a friend dating, but not one you’d ever look at and want for yourself.
This was just a random party. Alicia showed up alone around 11.
She’d been invited by Rob, who decided at the last minute to stay at home and drink by himself when he found out that none of his ex-girlfriend Sara’s friends would be there, so there’d be nobody to make Sara jealous with stories of Rob taking another girl home.
Alicia didn’t know whose house it was and it didn’t matter; she walked in unnoticed and pushed through the crowd without drawing the attention of anyone. She was pretty in a subtle way that never registered at first sight unless she was the only girl who wasn’t already hooking up with someone.
Sober, she was friendly enough and confident enough (to be honest she was generic enough) to never inspire anyone to wish she wasn’t there. While her friends adored her, she unfortunately ended up trapped in social circles with no appreciation for subtlety (though “social circles“ is too polite a term for shallow frat boys).
She didn’t present herself as willful, slutty or provocative enough to be a threat to girls or a target for boys. But when she was drunk her eyes seemed to deepen, in fact exuded a certain confused depth that mesmerized nearly every person around her.
Even while carrying on separate conversations, they would sneak glances at her and search for meaning in overheard phrases. She led one to sense that she was a riddle that could be solved by looking in her eyes long enough or searching for greater meaning in innocuous things she said.
She’d been told this, but always awkwardly and by drunk boys (plus a few girls), and didn’t realize it was true. She felt it but never connected her feelings with what others saw in her.
Whatever secret her eyes hinted at would never be shared; in two years she would be gone, a casualty of chance and her own inability to handle the depth and ambiguity of what she felt not just when drunk, but also when she was alone and/or inactive.
It was like she was holding up a picture and watching the people in front of it stare openmouthed in awe at what they were seeing, but when she turned it around it was blank. Sometimes the light hit it just right and she would think that she could see the outline of something deeply familiar yet overwhelming from behind, but always it was blank when she tried to face it directly.
Countless times, others’ instincts had murmured that this girl (for just an instant) was something like the goddesses of myth, as if touching her (or maybe even just seeing her) could lead to death or madness.
She would die a virgin at the age of 26, inciting a reaction in those who knew her which (if simplified viciously enough) could be described as See? I knew she was special.
At this point in the party every guy still held out hope that if Erica (the blond girl in short shorts) got drunk enough, he’d end up fucking her.
The refrigerator and counters were full of partially empty liquor bottles and things to mix them with. Alicia took her time deciding. At 24, she knew enough to think of the bottles like road signs that pointed toward different destinations, even though she was wrong about what some of them were.
Rum and pineapple juice, she thought, would make her night end on the bathroom floor with her shirt soaked in sweat and nobody holding her hair back while she threw up. Again.
Beer would lead to her being just drunk enough to not notice how fast time was going by, but not drunk enough to do anything she’d regret. Somehow this wasn’t what she wanted though.
Vodka/Red Bull would probably mean…..
A brunette in too much makeup walked upstairs and within seconds had a preppy introducing himself and asking what she wanted to drink. She smiled and said she didn’t know, why didn’t he help her decide?
(The night would end with the brunette coyly supplying a fake number but ultimately giving nothing in exchange for all the attention she’d received.)
No one talked to Alicia or asked what she wanted to drink, so she poured a glass of a brown liquor she’d never heard of and stood in the corner of the kitchen sipping it cautiously.
She was so used to being invisible when she got to parties that she held the glass against her mouth for a full five seconds when she realized there was a boy on the verge of deciding whether to talk to her. He looked a few years younger than her. Alicia’s instincts murmured Drunk enough to try to hook up with me, but not enough experience to know how.
You like that? he finally asked.
Like what?
You’re drinking my rum. I was hoping you at least like it….
Oh.
Well?
Well….you shouldn’t have left it on the counter at a party.
He laughed. You must be Justina.
No. I’m Alicia.
Oh. He paused, unsure how to end the conversation.
Fine, I’ll ask. Who’s Justina?
You know Dustin? Well Dustin told me to avoid Justina because she stole liquor and was a bitch.
Is this how you flirt with girls?
No. He grinned. Is this why you’re standing alone?
Because I’m a bitch that steals liquor?
Now she laughed.
No, I’m standing here alone because I don’t see anyone I know. Is Rob here?
Naw, he called Eric and said he had to work early or something.
Shit.
You wanna come play darts downstairs? You’ll meet people.
She paused a second and said, No, I’ll maybe just go to the bathroom and leave.
Rejected, he walked away to rejoin the darts game.
The bathroom counter was full of beer cans and Alicia wiped the toilet seat off without bothering to check if it needed to be. She used the sink to water down her rum after washing her hands, then drank it in one quick sip as she walked out into the hallway.
Checking how steady she could hold her hand, she decided she’d be fine to drive. Just a little buzz. As she dropped her hand a group of guys in the bedroom she was facing looked over in unison. They were getting high and she wondered why they all looked over like that at the same time, like the creepy blond kids in that one movie. She stood in the doorway and watched them but they didn’t offer it to her.
Fuck, she thought, I left my purse in the kitchen.
It didn’t look like any more people had showed up but the crowd seemed drunker and louder than before she went to the bathroom. They made eye contact as she walked by; the boys she passed made loud retarded boasts. She grabbed her purse and sneakily checked if anything was missing.
The stoners were standing in the entrance to the kitchen when she turned to walk out. They were having a sincere conversation about one of their friends who swore his life was based around the lessons you could learn from Owen Wilson movies, and whether they thought it was more ridiculous than any other belief system.
Owen Wilson even tried to kill himself once; they said it was over that one chick he dated, but dude says it was cuz he like had a revelation and it was too profound for any Owen Wilson movie to express.
So what will he do if Owen Wilson stops making movies?
I asked him that. He said it doesn’t matter because he still keeps finding new lessons in the old movies.
Alicia smiled and brushed past them.
From behind her a voice called, Hey, we haven’t met. Did you just get here? He was cute in a hockey player way.
No. Well, yeah, but I’m just leaving.
No you’re not. The first 15 people in the door win a door prize! I’ll be right back.
What? There are like 30 people here…
He was already down the basement stairs and her voice was drowned out by people screaming the name Eric and the sound of banging on…walls? She didn’t know...
The front door flew open behind her as someone ran past her, up the stairs and out onto the deck. She stood against a wall just in time to avoid 2 short muscular jocks yelling variations of the phrase Come back here you fucking faggot over and over as they chased him.
A couple casually walked in the open door. The girl was wearing the same t-shirt as Alicia, but with the collar purposely ripped to show off her cleavage. Alicia and the girl avoided eye contact.
Damn that guy was fast, the boy said quietly.
The girl looked Alicia up and down competitively before muttering Why are you standing in the doorway?
Her boyfriend thought the question was being said to him, and put his arm around her to lead her in. They disappeared into the party with him whispering a litany of soothing words.
Faced with the choice of leaving or going downstairs to find Eric, she decided to go find him. She’d only just gotten there and had no backup plan for the night anyway.
Maybe I am drunk, she thought as she spotted him in the crowd. He looked cute in a hockey player way because he’s wearing a hockey jersey that says Thompson across the back. God.
Eric was fully concentrated on the dartboard so Alicia pushed her way to a corner to wait for him to finish. She couldn’t tell when one game ended and another began amid all the screaming and distractions from the mass of people watching him play. His opponent was a pudgy college guy with a violent, stupid face. The more effortless Eric played and more he played it up for his friends, the faster and more tensely the college boy drank and cursed. Finally, his face burning red, he said fuck this and flung the dartboard off the wall.
Eric turned around the room in fake horror then tossed a dart over his shoulder, hitting a couch. The silence was broken by laughs and smiles.
Alicia walked up and asked Where is it?
As if he didn‘t even recognize her, Eric asked what she meant.
You said I got a door prize and you’d be right back with it. That was ten minutes ago, she sighed. People around them had heard her and broke out in conspiratorial giggles.
Oh….the door prize. I brought it upstairs and couldn’t find you. Alicia’s expression didn’t waver. Eric continued, Not buying that, huh? Well then you have to stay another hour to be eligible, didn’t I mention that?
She exhaled audibly, on the verge of being mad, but then she noticed the boy whose rum she was half-drunk on. He was on a couch, looking at the carpet distractedly while a loud sloppy-drunk girl leaned on him and shouted into his ear.
…and I totally didn’t see my keys anywhere and Kaylee and Rachel were like 'Come on let’s go' and I was like 'I can’t find my fucking keys' so they started looking too and we were all like so drunk and none of us are 21 and we were right downtown with cops like all over and I had on this really short skirt and I was on my knees in the street and all these cars had to stop so they wouldn’t hit me, but I was drunk so I didn’t care, and this fucking asshole rolled his window down and called us stupid bitches and I was like 'fuck you' and threw one of my shoes at his car and they were these like hundred-dollar high-heels that I loved, right? This guy’s car looked super expensive and my heel made this huge mark in the hood and Kaylee dragged me away and made me run so we wouldn’t get arrested, and I was screaming cuz I wanted my shoe.
She paused.
I loved that shoe.
How’d you get home?
Oh, my keys were in my purse the whole time. Isn’t that funny?
Sure. I can‘t believe you….
I know! she cut in. My knees had all these cuts and I threw up a million times the next morning literally and it hurt so bad to kneel in front of Rachel’s toilet that I thought I was gonna die of like……pain?
But you didn’t?
Uh uh. You’re funny! What’s your name again?
Troy.
I don’t like that name.
Well…then my name’s Alex?
Okay, Alex, she squealed.
When Troy noticed Alicia she was staring out an open window at the backyard. Not wanting to interrupt the girl harassing Troy (after too many bad experiences with loud drunk girls), she had walked off to discreetly people-watch. The window was directly beneath the deck, and overlapping conversations trickled down to it.
He couldn’t take his eyes off her. She was surrounded by activity but didn’t notice. Alicia’s face was superimposed across the night sky by her reflection in the glass and Troy watched it, oblivious to the verbal diarrhea streaming from the girl next to him. She looked so serene and so lost in thought that even though the party raged all around her, he felt like he was invading her privacy.
It would be so much fun.
She couldn’t resist anymore. Alicia avoided eye contact and tried to sneak upstairs without anyone noticing. She grabbed a beer bottle from a case by the front door (so no one would stop her to ask why she wasn’t drinking) and worked her way out to the deck. The light on the deck was on, but it was a big backyard and a dark night. It was for sure dark enough under the stairs for what she wanted. She stood in the corner of the deck and looked up at the stars; the party was far enough from the city that stars were visible scattered across the sky as far as she could see.
She was anxious but forced herself to wait til the coast was clear.
A few guys approached her over the next 5 or 10 minutes to test whether she was alone and/or fuckable but she blew them off politely.
Eventually a circle of jocks in the middle of the deck got in an increasingly fervent argument about who could bench press more and if anyone present had seen them do it. Two of them gripped hands and tried to squeeze or twist hard enough to make the other one give in. Their friends started a chant as they locked eyes and spat intimidations at each other.
Alicia took her beer and quietly stepped down the stairs to the backyard, ducking under the deck while no one was looking.
It was pitch black and the grass was thick enough to be comfortable to sit on. She sat against the house so she couldn’t be seen by anyone looking out the basement window. With the backyard unlit, all the smokers stayed up on the deck and talked.
Eventually she was so lost in the moment that she slid down onto her back and gazed up, happy to be alone and still be immersed in the sounds of the party: uninhibited laughs from drunk girls, distant muffled hip-hop from inside, boys barking stupidity and talking over each other. This night wasn’t so bad, she thought. She wouldn’t mind laying here for hours and listening to the party die away and the eventual echoes of slurred goodbyes and murmured pleas from in front.
She’d been to too many parties that were exact replicas of tonight and knew she was getting tired of them. She still would get forced to come to more parties but her heart wasn’t in it.
Why did she suddenly feel so sad? Maybe not sad but it was a complicated feeling, like missing someone before they‘ve even left. Was it a subconscious hint that this phase of her life was ending and she would soon actively reject the wild life she once craved? She wasn’t sure; maybe it was just the liquor and the act of sitting alone under the stars.
She didn’t feel lonely, that wasn’t it. Alicia didn’t know any other girls who didn’t care if they had a boyfriend. She enjoyed life so much without needing a boyfriend to share it with that she was afraid a boyfriend would only take away from it.
Troy had seen Alicia rush out of the basement looking upset but didn’t want to shove this girl off him and try to catch her. She’d probably come back down and he didn’t want to seem desperate or anything.
He jumped at the chance to play darts, to take his mind off everything so he could have fun. It bothered him, though; the other girls there were either ugly, or hot in the same precise way, but this one was different. The expression on her face when she was looking out the window was stuck in his mind. Like she saw something no one else could see.
Dude, you’re fuckin’ wasted! Look how bad you’re gappin’ out. I shoulda picked a different partner, bro! Nah, I’m just fuckin’ with ya. His partner Kevin slurred the last words comically and paused. WOOOO! Let’s nail some throw. Fuck. We‘re….let‘s nail some shit…..throw.
Troy hadn’t been told who they were playing against and it was hard to tell; Kevin threw first. For how drunk he was, Kevin impressed Troy with his playing. Troy had stayed at the same level of drunkenness for long enough to be used to it, and still played a little better than him.
A tall, very skinny Jesus-looking college kid stepped out of the crowd holding a beer and 3 darts. He wore cheap thrift-store clothes that hugged his noticeably skinny body, making his simply massive beard and long hair look ridiculously out of place . He stuck his nose in the air a little and purposely took a long time concentrating on the dartboard before he threw. Almost a bullseye.
His next throw was a double 10.
Kevin walked over next to him and whispered Oh damn, Tyler.
Tyler’s eyes remained fixed on the bullseye. Distractedly he muttered What’re you saying damn about? That you’re gonna lose?
Nah, man. I realized that you maybe don’t know….I don’t LOSE TO DOUCHEBAGS! He yelled the final words as Tyler went to throw his third dart, making him jump involuntarily and hit the wall with his dart.
Tyler made a show of looking unconcerned and as he pulled his darts out of the board he spat Jesus! You should keep your moron mutt on a leash, Troy. I think he needs to get tested for fuckin’ rabies.
He turned around but didn’t make eye contact with Kevin.
How could anyone not like Kevin? This guy was a fag, who was he to talk to Kevin like he was superior to him?
As Tyler stepped aside and crossed his arms, Troy offhandedly said Oh fuck off, Tyler. Who are you calling a mutt? You look like a fuckin’ homeless dog….
Alicia’s instant outburst of guilty laughter from outside the window made the entire downstairs stop, surprised, and then they erupted into malicious laughs.
….on crack! Troy added in a gleeful yell. They all laughed even harder, looking Tyler up and down and delighting in how skinny and mangy he was.
Someone bellowed Dude, you do look like a crack dog, and a drunken chorus of voices echoed crack dog and began making garbled bleats as they lost complete control of their own laughs.
All hope was lost of finishing the game, in a riot of high-fives and yelling. Troy grinned ear to ear in response to the smiles they were giving him. He saw movement and there she was, Alicia peeking around the corner of the window frame at him with a gleam in her eye. He froze, smiling back at her, then turned to face the room. They were quieting down and catching their breath.
….from the 70’s! he yelled, and the noise level went through the roof. People were pushing each other to get downstairs and see what was happening.
It didn’t take long for the rush to wear off. Troy scanned faces, wanting to see Alicia again, but she was nowhere.
He went upstairs to get a beer and hopefully run into her and ended up having to tell the Crack Dog story to person after person, trying to disguise his impatience. Not that he minded the attention, especially because he was getting a lot of it from girls who had been ignoring him before.
If he didn’t hook up with Alicia tonight he probably had his choice of 2 or 3 other girls, depending on if they passed out drunk first.
A short brunette with a tattoo of a tiger on the back of her neck made eye contact from across the room until Troy walked over by her. She was petite and aggressively horny, and he was drunk enough to want her just because she had hair like Alicia’s.
She eyed him with a lustful look not even an idiot could fail to understand, which sadly was the only kind of look most guys understood anyway.
I hear you shattered Tyler’s ego downstairs, she said with a smirk. I’ve seen him at like 5 or 6 parties and he‘s always a dick.
Conversations around them paused as Kevin was congratulated and everyone agreed that Tyler was a shithead.
No sooner had Troy asked Yeah, who even invites him if no one likes him? than Tyler came up the stairs, obviously having heard them.
If he had been a little more sober or not been standing with a girl he wanted to impress, Troy might have apologized. As it was, he smiled broadly and turned back to the brunette.
Wanna do a shot of rum with me? There are less people in the kitchen.
Five minutes later they were making out on the carpet next to the living room couch. Troy didn’t think of Alicia once until the next morning when hungover kids on the other couches told the story of the girl outside the window who had been the first to laugh at Crack Dog.
No one knew who she was or where she went, but one chimed in I wish I had seen her again. She wanted to fuck, man! You could see it in her eyes.
1 new message, received today at 11:48 am
Alicia, honey, it’s Mom. It’s almost noon, why aren’t you answering your phone? I’d like you to come over for dinner tomorrow if you can; I got Kara to promise she’d be home if you came over. Don’t forget, she turns 15 on the 28th, that’s a Wednesday, and we’ll be having a party for her that Friday. Give me a call when you get this message, I need to talk to you about her. Honey, you’re the only person in this family she’ll listen to, you’re her big sister…and she’s been getting in more trouble.
She’s been stealing money from my purse, she failed 2 classes last semester, I just don’t know what to do with her. I caught her trying to sneak out of the house last night after your father went to bed , and you should have seen the outfit she had on! She’s started to… develop, and it scares me the way men look at her when we’re in public.
I can’t make her wear sweaters year-round, so give me a call, okay? Your father and Kara and I all want to see you. I’m making your favorite, Mom’s Homemade Apple Crisp, for dessert, and we will not save any for you if you don’t come. I’ll let your father eat it; consider that a threat. Love you honey, bye.
End of message
Alicia’s phone vibrated every 5 minutes until she got irritated enough to pull the pillow off her head and roll over to hit OK. She squinted and groaned as the sunlight half-blinded her, making her headache flare. It was almost 12:30. That wasn’t so late, maybe she’d go back to sleep for another hour? She looked at her phone.
A call from her parents’ place, a voicemail (What did Kara do now? she thought to herself) and a text message:
Whats up bitch???? I need a favor pretty pleeeeeeeeze
Alicia texted back the word NO and buried her face in the pillow. Without looking, she threw her phone onto the carpet so she wouldn’t hear it vibrate.
When she woke up she had 6 new text messages:
PRETTY
PRETTY
PRETTY PLEEEZE!!!!!!
I
LOVES
YOU LEESH!!!!!
She hit Call Sender, put her phone on speaker and walked into the kitchen to find something with caffeine. Walking back to her room, she could hear Kara singing Talk to me Leeshy Beeshy I know you’re heeshy.
You’re stupid, she sang back as she grabbed the phone and took it off speaker.
Leesh! Your phone sucks.
Yeah…Hi, Bear. What do you want? And the answer is no. You’re 14, and I’m not getting drugs for you.
That? I just wanted to try it once. Someone else is gonna get me some now. Why are you Miss Crabbypants today, Miss Crabbypants? Did someone maybe….drink too much?
Slept too little.
Slept too little….and drank too much?
I guess.
Me too. Gina got a bottle of vodka and me ‘n her were drinking in the garage til like 4? Mom made me get up at like 9:30 and clean my room. God. I feel like I’m like dying.
Kara!
What? We only drank a little. I like hardly drink and you useta sneak out there and drink constantly when you were my age; where do you think I got the idea?
Maybe I did, but I wasn’t stealing from Mom or any of this shit you’ve pulled.
I love you Leesh.
Damn it.
Come on….please? This Braden boy is really hot and Mom and Dad are trying to get you to come over tomorrow for dinner so they can ask you to watch me so they can go to a movie and Braden asked if like I wanted to hang out sometime or whatever? And you have to help me! I wanna look cool…
Alicia sighed for Kara’s benefit. What do you want? I only have $25 on me.
He likes Michelob Light. Do boys drink cans or bottles?
If he‘s that cool he won‘t bitch about bottles; I’m only buying you a 12-pack and don‘t whine about it. And do not leave any bottles in the garage or they’ll kill me, and then I’ll kill you and Braden.
Loveyaloveyaloveya!
And remember that you owe me a huge favor, like the next time I tell you not to do something you better not do it.
Deal.
Okay, bye Kara Bear. Tell me I’m the best.
Best sister ever ever.
She hung up and checked her voicemail. Great, Mom wanted to talk about Kara. Alicia called the house.
Hello?
I can’t believe you still have a home phone, Mom. You’re the only ones left, get a cell phone!
Well hello to you too, Alicia.
Hi Mom.
I’m making a lot of food tomorrow, honey. It’s more than we can eat without you. So you’ll come, right?
Of course, Mom. You don’t have to blackmail me into it.
I’m not trying to blackmail you, Alicia. I hope you know that. Why do you say things like that?
Um, because…you were trying to blackmail me into coming over?
Alicia!
Alicia laughed. I’d have come anyway, Mom. You’re funny.
I don’t see why I’m funny for inviting you to dinner…
I know, Mom! I like it. So Kara stole money from you and she’s dressing like a hooker, huh?
Alicia, this isn’t a joke! Your father and I are concerned. You were…wild like this when you were that age. What can we do? What are we doing wrong here, Alicia? Didn’t we raise the two of you right, and teach you to act like women and not…not like those girls on Montel?!
Alicia covered her phone so her mom wouldn’t hear her giggling. Her mom didn‘t even see how funny she was.
Mom, you raised us fine; it’s not your fault that we both acted like 14-year-old girls when we were 14.
Don’t tease me, little girl. Being 14 isn’t about acting like a criminal and you know it.
Mom, you have to trust me on this one; Kara will be okay, she’s just being a teenager. I’ll talk to her and tell her to tone it down or something. And seriously, look on the bright side….she dresses like a skank but she probably isn’t a real prostitute. If she was, she wouldn’t have to steal money from you.
She blurted Gotta go love you bye and hung up before her mom could react.
Where was Faye?
Any other weekend Faye would have left her a voicemail hours ago, a near-whispered Hey, sorry if you’re sleeping. Bye.
Alicia decided to stop by Faye’s work instead of calling her; she couldn’t remember the last time Faye hadn’t called first and it felt too weird calling her.
They’d met at Chad Gullen’s apartment and Alicia had declared them instant friends.
I like you already. Can we be friends?
It was as shocking for Alicia to be so aggressive with a stranger as for Faye to even be at Chad’s, but Faye made an immediate impression on Alicia. She spoke in a shy voice barely above the level of a whisper, lending her words sensuality and still a constant seriousness.
How could everyone else there not think Faye was great? She made the contradiction work for her: her shy demeanor kept you from being able to think of her as rude, even when she was.
If anything, she was likelier than any of the other girls Alicia knew to say what everyone in a room was thinking.
Still, everybody knew she had a filthy mouth but was the kindest possible person. Faye rarely maintained eye contact, constantly averting her eyes and squeezing one hand with the other. Her black hair was perpetually cut just long enough to cover her eyes when she looked down.
Alicia privately thought it was unfair that a girl that pretty only got hit on by asshole guys who thought she’d be too dumb or shy to resist.
Chad barely introduced them when Alicia came to his house. She was there with Tara to watch a reality show their whole circle of friends was into. Chuck and Tom and Jess were already there, drinking margaritas in the kitchen.
Chad nodded toward the lone girl on the couch. She was skinny with dark hair, and was mouthing words at the TV.
Chad muttered That’s Faye, she‘s a mute, and walked into the kitchen to mix a drink. The girl said something too quiet for Alicia to catch. She stared at his back for a moment, then crinkled her eyes in confusion.
Chad walked back to the living room and said God, I always have to walk over to you every time you talk shit. What did you say?
This time Alicia heard Faye better.
Fuck off, you‘re short, she forced out in a voice still a little quieter than most peoples’ normal level. Aren’t Hobbits any good at coming up with comebacks?
Instead of being insulted, Chad laughed and put an arm around her.
This is why I love you, Faye. You talk shit but all I have to do to drown it out is turn a fan on.
Faye smiled a shy smile, and Alicia realized she was already taken in by this girl. She was too cute!
Her legs were carrying her over to the couch before she consciously decided to start.
I like you already. Can we be friends?
Faye looked at the ground and tucked a strand of hair behind an ear. Are you like on a religious mission?
Alicia smiled then stuck her hands in her pockets like she was trying to find something.
Um…shit, I gave all the pamphlets out already. My guru is gonna be so proud.
Oh my god. That’s creepy. Who invited you?
Chuck and Tom ran up on either side of Faye. Tom shook her shoulders and said, She’s joking, Faye! Now please calm down and stop YELLING IN THE HOUSE!
Later that night when they were all drunk and getting more to drink, Alicia looked over and Faye was bouncing and mouthing words at the screen again. She walked up behind the chair Faye was sitting on; Faye wasn’t mouthing words after all but lazily singing along to the music video on TV, a rap song.
Got a chip in my engine, 26 inch rims, got something-something money bitch i'm ballin out the gym, got my old school something, hit wheel on recline,if you think a nigga broke, you out yo monkey ass mind. Yeah.
Faye and Alicia had been close friends since then.
Faye was 19 and worked at a thrift store by her apartment. Alicia drove there and walked around the store but couldn’t find her. She asked a Somalian woman who worked there if she knew where Faye was. The woman looked like she didn’t understand.
Alicia looked at her feet and mumbled some words in her best Faye voice and the woman’s face lit up.
Ah! Faye. Faye is…behind store. She motioned toward the back.
When Alicia rounded the corner, she froze. There Faye was, smoking a cigarette.
Faye! You don’t smoke! Oh my god. Since when, you rebel?!
Faye smiled and said I thought I’d try it since I barely use my lungs.
Uh, you breathe don’t you?
Oh. Yeah I guess.
I woke up and you hadn’t called. I thought you were dead or something.
Sorry. I drank with this…guy….
Alicia cut her off. You smoke cigarettes, you got drunk and slept with a guy….you’re not Faye! Where is my friend? Tell me!!!
She shook Faye playfully by the shoulders.
I didn’t sleep with him, Faye whispered forcefully, her version of yelling. She was blushing. Alicia realized she had maybe never seen Faye blush before. I just drank a little at this guy from work’s apartment. Jeff. I woke up at home like twenty minutes before work and didn’t have time to call you.
Wow. I dunno what to say. When do I meet the man who got you binge drinking and smoking?
I dunno. She paused. He’s not my boyfriend!
You like him! Oh my god, Faye, you have a crush on this boy! Look at you getting defensive and shy. All this time we‘ve been friends you‘ve been rude to every guy and now this. It‘s so cute!
Shut up. I…
Faye’s mouth hung open.
A voice behind Alicia said There you are. Nadifa said you were back here. I thought I’d stop and say hi.
Jeff had on a leather jacket (In June? Alicia half-thought) and filthy pre-ripped jeans. He was a little overweight and hadn’t bothered to comb his hair, which stuck up at awkward angles.
He tipped his sunglasses down and looked at Alicia’s thighs. Whoa. Who’s your friend? She’s cute.
Alicia wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt for Faye’s sake, but it was already too late for that. She looked at Faye, hoping to see disgust but only finding pain and jealousy.
Alicia exhaled in frustration. You’re Jeff?
My reputation precedes me. Are you gonna tell me your name now?
No. I’m not.
Faye said Alicia…what’s your problem? Fuck.
Alicia knew she’d hurt Faye if she was mean to Jeff but this was too much.
Whoa, I don’t need you girls fighting over me. There’s enough of me to go around, Alicia.
Not likely.
Faye cut in. I’m off break. Is my…shirt at your house, Jeff?
It’s in my car actually. I didn’t wash it, though; I didn’t have any quarters.
Faye looked at Alicia. “Walk with us?
They walked out to the parking lot and Jeff’s car, a rusty 1980’s relic filled with fast-food wrappers and other trash. He made a point of not being ashamed, as if his mess of a car proved he was cool. Faye’s shirt was thrown in the passenger seat, and had a dark stain across the front.
Jeff accidentally spilled beer on me last night, Faye explained.
Oh my god, Alicia thought, that’s the oldest trick in the book. She shuddered at the thought of Faye being too innocent to suspect anything while taking her shirt off after Jeff “accidentally” spilled on her.
She wanted to wrap her hands around Jeff’s neck and slam his head into the car door, a reaction she’d never had to a guy before. If that shit-head so much as made Faye cry, he’d have a lot of very angry people wanting to see him get hurt.
Faye tucked the shirt into her waistband so it hung like a tail out of the back of her jeans.
Okay, I have to go back to work like now. Thanks for the shirt, Jeff. She looked at Alicia, said bye and kissed her on the mouth.
Jeff leered at them hungrily, then asked Where’s my kiss?
I dunno, Faye replied, suddenly looking intently at a penny on the ground in the parking lot.
As Alicia walked to her car, she heard the excited cries of Nadifa questioning Faye about the kiss. She didn’t have to look back to know Faye’s face was lit up with a naughty grin. Faye loved to provoke people, knowing they wouldn’t hold it against shy, innocent Faye.
Chapter Two
July
The Fourth of July came. Chad drove to the park in the middle of the afternoon and set out coolers and towels for everyone so they‘d have a good view that night of the fireworks. Some friends of his came for a while and they played volleyball.
His friends left. Chad had a beer. Tom and Jess showed up and Jess tried to drag them both out to the water as soon as they’d finished a beer. Tom grabbed his Ipod and some portable speakers out of a bag he’d been carrying, and asked if his things would get stolen if he left them by the towels.
Chad said Probably, yeah.
Jess was halfway to the water and yelled Come on, Tom! It’ll be fine!
Chad’s phone rang from under a towel. He dug it out and answered without looking who it was.
Yeah? He listened. I got us right by the parking lot. We’re gonna have the best view in the whole park. I know, I’m amazing.
He hung up and told Tom Alicia’s here, she‘ll watch our shit. Just leave those wherever. I’ll be down in a minute.
Alicia came into view with a case of beer in hand.
Chad raised his can to her and yelled Alicia! You’re ready for some serious drinkin’!
She rolled her eyes and said It’s not for me, stupid. I never see you and Tom and Jess, so I brought you some beer.
Whoa, why’d you get bottles? You know you can’t have glass containers here, don’t you?
Um, no?
Oh well. We can just be careful we don’t get caught. It’ll be like being under-age again!
She stared blankly at him, trying to deny how infectious his laugh was. He leapt off his towel and tried to scoop her off the ground onto his shoulder. She squealed and lightly swatted at his head with one hand.
When the abuse suddenly ended, Chad turned around to see what had made her stop. Faye had just walked up with Jeff following behind.
Hi guys, Alicia said politely.
Jeff replied with a long, nervous Hey.
Faye shrugged slightly, as if dismissing the need to say hi too.
The moment passed. Alicia bounded over to Faye and hugged her.
You look really really cute, Faye!
Faye looked genuinely caught off guard for once, and she started to blush.
When Tom and Jess came back from the beach, everyone was laughing at a blushing Faye.
Tom didn’t see why everyone else hated Jeff so much, and was glad to see him with Faye. He shook Jeff’s hand and asked What’s up, man? Jeff’s relief to have this one person on his side was palpable, and everyone seemed to wordlessly agree to let the 4th of July be a holiday from their hate for Jeff.
Tom looked around at them expectantly, then asked So? What‘d you guys say to make Faye blush? Did you ask how long Jeff’s…
Jess hit him before he could finish. TOM, she yelled in shock.
What? he asked innocently.
Alicia said Oh, I was just telling Faye how beautiful she looks.
Chad blurted No shit! You look like what‘s-her-name, that hot chick from that movie.
Faye smiled a little.
You’re drunk, Chad.
Nah, I’m serious. I never tell you that you look hot, right? That’s how you know I mean it. Cuz usually you’re not hot and you dress like…I dunno, like you’re going to your funeral.
Fuck you, she spat in an shocked whisper. I have like one black dress that I like to wear. And remember last weekend I wore that shirt that you could see….like…I had cleavage?!
Cleavage, she desperately sort-of yelled as they erupted in laughter.
Chad put an arm around her affectionately and flicked a bug off her arm.
They all sat down and had a beer. The afternoon passed by in a lazy blur of exposed flesh and yelling.
In the moments before the sun disappeared behind trees, Alicia felt like being alone. She walked over to a gazebo on the edge of the water and watched the filthy orange sky dissolving into the landscape’s silhouette. She felt…maybe not sad, she thought, but she found the view beautiful in a bleak way.
Eventually Tom came over and said So this is where you went! We all of a sudden noticed you were gone. Come on back and hang out with us. She didn’t react, so he made a show of acting concerned. Oh no, Alicia’s in a coma…the only way we can shock her back out of it is some nice cold water!
He lunged forward. Alicia jumped straight off the gazebo bench and screamed no.
As she ran back to the group, Tom said I told them I’d get her to come back to no one.
Alicia slowed down when she got close to everyone, trying to act calm.
Hey, Alicia, how come you’re always doing that when we’re having fun? Chad asked.
Doing what? Walking to bodies of water?
No, you always go sit alone somewhere and look sad. All the rest of the time you’re happy. You’re OK, right?
Jeff muttered Oh my god and rolled his eyes, attempting to get some laughs.
Nah, man, I mean it. When people kill themselves, they always act happy right before they do it. You never know who’s depressed or whatever.
Come on, you guys, she began. I walked down there cuz it looked really pretty. That’s not depression is it?
No, you’re right. But you do have the habit of walking off to go be by yourself. What do you think about?
Alicia paused and visibly tried to recall.
I don’t know, nothing. Really nothing. I just zone out. You guys are seriously being retarded. I’m just not outgoing all the time like you, and you’re acting like I’m gonna cut my wrists.
Hey, I’m drunk, I don’t know what I’m talkin’ about. I’m just…wait, what? Chad’s drunken slur was hard to miss.
Faye put her hands on her hips and blew air out comedically. How come no one asks if I’m depressed? You said I dress like a funeral. I could be fucking depressed you know.
No way, Alicia murmured as she put her arms around Faye. You’re tougher than all of us.
Yeah, Faye whispered dreamily, I am, aren’t I?
They spread out blankets and the girls sat and talked while the guys tried throwing a football they couldn’t see coming in the dark. It was made so it whistled when you threw it; the girls couldn’t see them but could hear veeeeeeeeeeeeee ouch (pause) veeeeeeeeeee you hit me in the balls dude (pause).
After a drunken period of being obnoxious (which annoyed Alicia even though the other guys were far more obnoxious), Jeff had calmed down into an agreeable mood; when he sat down next to Faye and held her hand, Alicia was happy for them both.
Tom sat behind Jess and put his arms around her.
Do you feel it yet, honey?
Yeah…I feel really spacey.
She turned to Alicia.
Oh, Alicia…do you want a Percocet? I have a friend who has back problems and gives me pills all the time. It’s really fun!
The slowness in her speech was obvious once Alicia knew she’d been mixing liquor and painkillers.
I dunno. Maybe. I might have to drive some of the guys home since they don’t know how to control themselves when they drink. She elbowed Chad in the belly.
Oh…well here, I’ll give you two and you can take them if you want. Maybe just take one, though…I feel like I might float off. Barely visible by the light of a cigarette being lit, she extended her hands majestically and let them fall
Alicia thanked her and put them in a purse she’d brought with.
The fireworks began with a dull thup and an explosion of color. The park responded with a cheer.
Jeff put an arm around Faye and she slumped backwards to lay her head on his leg. Surrounded by so many couples, Alicia wondered if she should care more about being single. She had never met a guy who understood the things that spoke to her.
The fireworks show was short and even the finale was tame, leaving dissatisfaction and black smoke in the air.
I waited a year for that? Chad asked, a perplexed look on his face.
I know, said Faye, sitting up excitedly. Fireworks seemed so much cooler when I was a kid.
As they packed their things up and got ready to leave, Chad paced around the area cracking his knuckles like he was preparing to fight. He had been calm before the fireworks, and anyway he wasn’t known to act edgy like this.
Tom grabbed a foam football that had been abandoned earlier by a group of kids and threw it at Chad’s leg.
Dude! Loosen up. Are you on crack or something?
Nah. Just stretchin’ my legs after sittin’ down so long.
What? The fireworks lasted like 15 minutes.
Well whatever. Let’s go.
Chad grabbed some of his stuff and started walking toward the parking lot. By the time the rest of them got to their cars, Chad had his car running with heavy metal blaring from the open windows. He sat on the hood pounding his fists against his thighs to the beat of the drums.
Alicia asked if he was sure he wanted to drive, and offered him a ride if he was too drunk.
No, I’ll drive, he muttered.
Hey, what’s wrong? You’re acting weird.
Nothin’. Fuckin’ everything’s cool. He said it casually, as if he were bored and barely paying attention. As the others found their cars and loaded their things in them, he picked the foam football up and threw it with all his might back into the park. It barely missed hitting a teenage boy and his girlfriend. They looked over, confused, and he stared blankly at them til they moved on.
Jess was the only one who hadn’t picked up on the change in Chad. Tom carried her over by him and she held her hand up limply for a high-five.
Chad….you’re a giant. Five me.
He looked about to say something mean but instead grabbed her hand and started walking. Tom and Jess both laughed as Tom tried to keep her from being pulled off his back.
As suddenly as it started, Chad looked back toward the parking lot and stopped smiling. He let go of her, said I’m gonna go and walked to his car. Faye and Jeff were on the back of Jeff’s car holding hands when Chad’s car rolled past them.
Faye waved a hand and ran over to his car.
Hey. Are we drinking at your place or what?
He cut the music and asked What?
Are we all coming to your place now? It’s not even 11. We’re hanging out somewhere, right?
Nah. He looked at Jeff then back to her. You guys have fun, I’m gonna go pass out. I have to be up early to do some shit.
Oh. Well it was fun. She gave him an exaggerated grin, unsure if she should bother asking why his mood had gone so sour. Chad was the one in their circle of friends who never let things bother him much, and it wasn’t a side of him they were used to seeing.
Yeah, definitely fun, he said halfheartedly.
His music cut back on as he pulled away, loud enough to make Faye jump a little.
The rest of them had no real plan and lingered by their cars, talking and not wanting the night to end. To Alicia, the 4th of July was the high point of the year. The middle of summer was intoxicating to her, the air feeling electric with possibility. Her second-favorite day of the year was Halloween, when the weather was crisp and the world around her played pretend together.
A park cop drove over to them and pressured them to leave. They exchanged glances as they got in their vehicles, unsure what they’d do.
Alicia didn’t mind the thought of going home and laying under her open window in the dark and falling asleep to the distant sizzle and flash of store-bought fireworks. Tom was really just babysitting Jess at this point and announced he was taking her back to his place to put her to bed. He held up a fist and Jeff pounded it, belatedly adding a Yeah, I bet you’re gonna put her to bed!
Tom looked away with a grin. It’d feel like rape at this point. Look at her!
By now, Jess had the passenger seat tilted all the way back and was staring at the sky with the fingertips of her left hand touching the window. Tom stuck his head in his open door.
Hey baby, tell Jeff bye. We’re gonna get you home.
She quietly said Bye, Jeff to herself without any other reaction.
Tom smirked. He can’t hear you, baby. You have to roll your window down and say it to him.
Her fingers trailed down the window and fell onto the button for her window. After a few seconds’ delay she held it and her window slid down. Jeff stood there smiling with a look of pity and amusement on his face; Faye stood behind him with one of his hands held loosely in hers.
Jeff held out an open hand and bellowed Five me, dude! in an annoying voice.
Jess giggled a soft high-pitched giggle that lasted for 4 or 5 seconds, then bellowed back at him with a slurred impression of him, This is why no one likes you, dude! She slapped him a high-five and rested her forehead on an arm.
Tom apologetically grimaced and bit a lip. Uh, see you guys.
As they drove past Alicia, Jess opened her mouth wide and mimicked the act of throwing pills in it. She raised her arms and mouthed a silent scream.
Weird, Alicia thought.
The next week. Alicia and her sister Kara were alone at her apartment. Alicia’s roommate Sara was rarely ever home, and usually slept at her boyfriend Evan’s place. Alicia hadn’t seen her in 3 weeks, which wasn’t odd.
Kara had spent the afternoon reading through a gossip magazine and texting friends.
So Kara…you just came over to read magazines? Don’t wanna hang out or anything?
No. I was kinda hoping you had liquor…..?
Alicia snagged the magazine away and rolled it up, smacking Kara playfully as she spoke in a mocking ditzy voice.
Oh my god, like my name is Kara Ettler and like I’m cool or whatev? I come to my sister’s apartment and like ignore her cuz like I’m too cool to talk to her?
Kara kicked her legs out, trying to push Alicia away while screaming.
Aaagh! My name is Alicia and I wear granny panties every day!
I do not, Alicia yelled, just in case a neighbor could hear.
This playful side of Alicia barely ever came out at parties or anywhere that it might make people want to know her; her friends had tried countless times to get her to be more social at parties but she automatically became withdrawn when the people she didn’t know outnumbered the ones she did.
Following the 4th, Alicia had enjoyed a peaceful feeling like summer would never end. This had faded violently and left her with the agonizing restlessness of having almost a full year until her favorite day of all came again. Kara had called her and sensed this cloud hanging over her sister’s head. She cheerfully announced that Alicia would be picking her up that afternoon and “keeping her out of trouble.”
Alicia was so restless as to not be able to commit her energy to any one task when they got to her place, and couldn’t force herself to watch TV with Kara or go to the mall or anything Kara suggested. Eventually Kara’s boredom prevailed and she completely tuned Alicia out.
Fine, Alicia moaned dramatically, I’ll do whatever you wanna do. Name it.
Kara clapped her hands playfully. Ooohhh…let’s go to the mall and look for boys.
How did I know you were gonna say that?
On the way to the mall Kara made Alicia stop at a gas station, then go through the drive-thru at a Wendy’s. Then she wanted to go in a bookstore to look at magazines even though the mall had a bookstore.
How does Mom put up with this? she asked Kara.
What do you mean?
You’re driving me crazy and it’s only been part of a day.
What?! I’m cheering you up, Leesh! You’re happy that we’re spending time together.
Not really. I’m just driving you around to places I don’t like.
Yeah! And you like to see me happy.
Alicia said nothing.
So….where’s Faye? Why aren’t you hanging out with her today?
I dunno. I haven’t heard from her, I guess she’s probably doing something with Jeff.
The guy no one likes?
Tom likes him. And Faye likes him, so what does it matter?
What’s the guy’s name that was drunk at Burger King on your birthday?
Chad?
Yeah, the one that looks like a surfer but with HUGE muscles.
I guess…
He never asked Faye out? Don’t tell me he asked her out and she said no! Chad is hots.
Hots? Why the hell do you still say that?
Because Chad is hots.
Wait, why would he ask Faye out? He doesn‘t like her like that.
Yes he does yes he does, she insisted. On your birthday he kept saying the stupidest things to her and then getting embarrassed.
He was drunk, and he always says stupid things.
He has a huge crush on her. Don’t look at me like I’m stupid. I bet he hates Jeff, right? More than anyone else?
Actually, yeah.
When he’s around them does he get super emo-sad for no reason?
Ho…ly…shit. On the 4th, he started acting really weird and shit and wouldn’t say why. You’re totally right, Care.
Alicia and Kara each had a long list of nicknames for the other one, which they continually switched between. Kara got called Care and Care Bear and Kara Beara and Bear and Rah and Craw and Mascara and Carrot and Carol and…the list goes on.
How the fuck did I never see it? You noticed this in a half hour at Burger King?
See? I’m not as dumb as you think I am, am I?
I don’t think you’re dumb, I just think you act dumb.
Well I’m not a little kid and you treat me like one.
Well look at that. We’re at the mall, just in time to avoid having a Moment.
I’m not getting out.
Ok, well I am.
I’m not getting out til you say it.
Say it?
You know what I want….
I already said you were right.
Yeah, you did. Again, though!
Fine. You aren’t a little girl and you were right about Chad and I am nowhere near as smart as you.
Yay! Kara clapped her hands gleefully and got out.
Dad was in his chair reading the newspaper. Mom was standing in the kitchen watching a reality show on the little TV over the microwave when she heard the front door swing open then slam shut. Dad’s newspaper rustled audibly as he put it down. Mom walked in the living room as Kara flopped down on the couch.
Dad had a habit of looking at the girls for a few seconds before speaking. He thought it was funny to act so overly dramatic with them, and had originally expected to get laughs but none of them knew he wasn’t serious.
After his pause, he said Hi, honey.
Yo.
Another pause, to let her know it was irritating when she said Yo or Sup or any other “non-word” that made her sound like a child to him.
I see you bought things at the mall. This must mean you had fun, right? Since your only dream in life is buying more things at the mall.
Eh, it was OK. She’s boring, she doesn’t wanna like do anything ever. I wish she still did drugs so she‘d be funny again.
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