Lindira
Ann Somerville
‘Lindira’ Copyright © 2005 by Ann Somerville
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Published
by Ann Somerville
Lindira
The men who killed Lindira’s lover, made sure she saw it happen.
Then the men who killed Lindira’s lover, made sure it was the last thing she would ever see.
As she was thrown into the sea, she had but one plea to make. Mother Tenir, grant me death.
~~~~~
For a few moments, she couldn’t remember why she couldn’t open her eyes. But then she did, so she stopped trying, and instead moved her hand to shade her sightless face from the heat pounding down on her.
“You’re awake.”
A deep male voice, to her left. “Where am I?” Her voice sounded old, dusty. Her throat wasn’t sore, as such, but she’d probably broken something with her screaming, she thought.
“Safe. I’ve healed your injuries.” Her hand went instinctively to her breast, but found only smooth scar tissue. “I’m sorry—I can heal, but I can’t replace what’s gone. Do you want to sit up?”
There was only one thing she wanted, but she allowed the man to help her up into a sitting position. Rustling sounds and a sudden relief from the heat must have meant he’d placed something to shade her. “Where am I?”
“Our island. I found you on the shore...who did this to you?”
She ignored the question. “Who are you?”
“I am Jese.”
“‘Our’?”
“My...my lover is here too. Do you have a name?”
Names had power to a Teniri. She gave her use-name instead. “Lin.”
“So how are you feeling, Lin?”
“Do you have a knife?”
She sensed his surprise at her change of subject. “Yes, but why...?”
“Give it to me.”
“But you can’t see....”
“The knife.” She was beyond caring about being rude. Beyond caring about anything at all.
She felt the wooden handle of what seemed quite a large knife placed in her left hand. She tested the blade with her thumb—sharp. Good. She raised it, then plunged it towards what was left of her heart, praying her aim was true.
“Lin, no!”
He was too fast, and struggle as she might against his powerful grip, she could not force the knife closer to her barren chest. She sobbed as he wrenched the blade from her hand, and heard it being thrown down some distance away. “Let me go! I need to....”
“Kill yourself? In Molti’s name, why?”
She turned her sightless eyes towards Jese’s voice. “Because I’m already dead. I’m just finishing things off.”
“You’re not dead and I can’t let you hurt yourself. Lin, who did this to you?”
She struggled to her feet—Jese didn’t help—and took a few steps. She felt light-headed, empty. Powerful healing magic had been used on her. Ironic that the stone in her heart would let that happen, when it had been the reason she had been torn apart in the first place. She was on fine sand, and if she stood still, she could hear the swoosh and hiss of small waves on the shoreline. She stumbled towards the sound of the ocean, though she couldn’t hear her sisters’ voices in the foam because of the accursed stone. She sat down in the shallow, warm water, wishing she could drown and be taken home to her mother. But Teniri could not drown. Not even blind, maimed and magicless ones, it seemed. She would have wept, except a woman with no eyes cannot weep. Instead, she could only sit in the warm, welcoming ocean, and pray for an end to her agony.
She heard the scuff of footsteps on the sand, then the ripples of the water as he sat down beside her. “Please...tell me what happened. I mean you no harm, I swear.”
She almost laughed—it was the fact he didn’t mean her harm that offended her. “I am Teniri.”
“Is that why your skin’s blue?”
“My skin is blue because it pleased my beloved mother to make it thus. Some of us are green, others brown as dirt.”
“I understand. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
Then why did you, selfish man? “My other form is that of a dolphin. I belong....” Her breath caught. “I belong here,” she said angrily, sweeping the water away from her with her hand. “But I can’t change.”
She found her hand caught in another’s and realized in shock, that the arm it belonged to was covered in fur. “You’re not a human either.”
“I am. But I am cursed. Tell me your story first, Lin.”
The patient sorrow in his voice humbled her a little, and made her rein in her anger. “Men came—found me with my human lover and said we were evil, damned. They cut off his genitals, then staked him out for the wolves to rend to pieces. They made me watch.” She pushed her wrist into her mouth to stifle the sob.
“I’m sorry, Lin.” He stroked her arm. “And then...?”
“And then they put out my eyes, cut off my breasts and threw me into the ocean to mock my mother,” she said in a harsh voice. “But they forgot that Teniri cannot die that way. Or perhaps they didn’t care.”
“And you’re still alive,” he said quietly.
“But I want to be dead! I don’t want to live without Nivu, or with this stone....” Her hand went to the place over her heart—where the evil shard had pierced it. “I have no magic any more,” she whispered.
Gentle hands were placed on her shoulders in comfort. “I don’t understand—what stone?”
“The land of the humans is ruled by the wizard, Hunet, and his cursed god lover. Hunet is jealous of all magic but his own, and will kill or seal it up when he finds it. He told them that all Teniri hated them, that the non-human races wanted to destroy them, and told them how to control our magics. They shot me with an arrow tipped with eonin—and with it inside me, I cannot change form, or use my powers. Please, Jese—you must let me die. I can’t live like this, crippled and useless, and without Nivu....” She twisted to stare at him, though she could not see him. “Please...help me.”
“I cannot. Lin, I cannot kill. I heal. I don’t take life.”
“Then let me take my own! Just give me back the knife.”
“I can’t do that either, Lin. I’m sorry.”
“Will your lover kill me? Shall I ask her?”
There was a long, long silence, the only sounds the lapping of the water on the sand, and the cries of the seabirds. Then Jese spoke, his voice soft and bitter. “He might grant you this wish. But he’s not here.”
“Then I’ll wait here until he returns, and then he can kill me.”
There was a deep, painful sigh. “You don’t care if you hurt him, or me.”
“You’re human. I care nothing for you.”
“He’s not human.”
“Is he cursed too?”
“Yes.”
There was the sound of splashing as if Jese stood, and then Lindira heard his steps through the water and onto the sand. She tried to ignore his leaving, determined to wait for his lover to come back so he could end this cruelty. But it was too quiet, too lonely on her own, and she wasn’t yet dead.... She walked out of the sea and stood on the sand. “Jese? I don’t know where you are.”
For a few moments she thought he’d abandoned her, and though her only wish was to die, it frightened her a little. But then she heard his footsteps, and his hand was on her arm, carefully guiding her back up the shore, and to some shelter where the sun did not burn so hot. She let him offer her water, though she refused to eat—what need had she of food if she was to die soon?
“Tell me of your curse.”
“What do you care? I’m only a human.”
“Your lover is not. What race is he?”
“He has no race, and he is every race. It’s not important to me. I don’t look at people and say, that one is human, this one is Teniri, or he is Magdin.”
“You have that luxury, human. You are much more numerous than we are.”
“Not on this island, Lin. Here there are only the damned.”
She sipped her water, and waited. She could be patient. She didn’t care if he told her or not.
She heard him moving around, and it irritated her that he didn’t tell her what he was doing. “Either sit and talk, or give me the knife. I’m not a pet.”
“My apologies, Lin. I...fidget when I’m uncomfortable.”
She nearly snapped at him that some people were just a bit more than uncomfortable, then realised she was being vile for no reason to someone who’d been nothing but kind to her, even if he was a human. “Just come and sit and tell me why you are here and who cursed you. I’ve had a difficult day, Jese. My patience is running dry.”
“Yes, I’m sorry.” The sand crunched near her, and then he took her hand. “Do you mind?”
She should—but she didn’t. “If it makes you more comfortable, no, I don’t. What is your lover called?”
“Von.”
Sounded like another use-name, but she didn’t mind. “And when will he come back?”
“A few days. Maybe a week. He’s hunting, and I’m never sure how long he’ll be away, though it’s never too long. Will you promise not to try to harm yourself until he returns?”
“If you don’t annoy me.”
“Ah, then I shall have to be much more polite than normal.”
It startled her to hear a smile in his voice, because it had been so sad until now. It startled her more to feel her own face creasing a little in a smile in return. “What I said about patience running dry? Consider that ‘ran dry’.”
“I’m sorry, Lin. I was just trying to...make you feel better. That’s so stupid of me. I’ll stop.”
He sounded young and sweet, and though Nivu had been neither particularly young nor sweet, her aching heart stuttered with grief. “Just tell me. For the love of Lady Tenir, just...get on with it.”
He took a deep breath, and the grip on her hand tightened just a little. “Von is magical too. We are cursed by Hunet. He stole Von’s magics, transformed us and entrapped us on this island.”
She frowned in his direction. “But you have magics....”
“Hunet didn’t realise—they’re useless anyway. Except today, and it seems I did you no favour. My apology, Lin. Your tale is much worse than ours. At least we’re still alive.”
“Yes. Doesn’t seem much of a curse, not for Hunet...wait.” She lifted her hand and reached for him. Realising her intent, he moved closer and let her feel his face. Feeling a long snout and a damp nose, she gasped a little in shock, and he flinched. “What...?”
“An ape. I have an ape’s head and fur. I’m repulsive.”
“No more than a mutilated Teniri. Von?”
“A dog’s head. But...Hunet also trapped him partly in his true form, so he is now more than twice my size. He cannot fit into the hut so he sleeps outside and we...can’t make love as we used to. Or at all, really.” Her hand was resting on his furry cheek, and so she felt the single tear wet her hand. “It sent Von a little mad, to be truthful. He finds this much harder to bear even than I do. So, don’t hate humankind, Lin. Hate the man who twists and frightens them into their behaviour.”
“And his lover for he gives him the power.”
“Or so we’re told. You know, you could stay here with me, with us. Would your pain not ease in time?”
“No,” she snapped, pulling her hand away from his face. “Do not insult Nivu’s memory thus.”
“I meant no insult, Lin. I’ve been too long from the company of others, I think,” he said with a sigh. “I only wish there was something I could do.”
“You could kill me.”
“Besides that,” he said wryly. “Are you in pain? Does the eonin hurt?”
“Yes, but you can’t do anything about that without cutting it out, and that would kill me, which you refuse to do.”
“True. I’m sorry—”
“Oh, stop apologising, little human! You didn’t do this to me!”
Another long silence. She had not been this bad-tempered before. But then she had never been blinded and murdered before, or had her lover killed. That wasn’t Jese’s fault, though.
He was moving around again, but she bit back her annoyance. He had his own sorrows. She wondered what race Von was, and why Jese wasn’t telling her. But then it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Von could kill, and Jese could not.
He came back, and she felt something soft drape over her shoulders. “What’s this?”
“An old shirt. I thought it would bother you to be naked before me.”
She shrugged it off, folded it as best she could without being able to see, and handed it back. “I’m not ashamed of my form. If it offends you, you have a solution.”
“It doesn’t offend me. Your scars just make me sad for what you’ve suffered.”
She snarled silently at him, but he ignored her anger, sitting quietly and presumably just looking at her. Oh, she hated not being able to see! “I want to be alone now,” she said abruptly. She had too much of her own pain to bear another’s for very long.
He showed no annoyance in his tone. “Then I’ll leave you until you call. I’ll hear you wherever you are.”
She realised what had been bothering her. He had an ape’s head but his voice wasn’t altered in the least. “Are you using mind-speech?”
“Yes. If I use my mouth, I sound like an animal.”
“You’re no ordinary human, Jese.”
“I’m quite ordinary,” he said quietly. “I’ve just been blessed by my god, that’s all. But now you know how I can hear you. Remember your promise.”
She heard him walk away. Why did it matter when she died, to him? A Teniri woman would make no difference to his situation. She wasn’t prepared to stay here, useless and helpless, to amuse a lonely victim of Hunet’s sick games. Let his lover ease his pain. Lindira had made the mistake of helping a human before and paid for it. She would not do that again.
She drew her knees up to her chin, and squeezed her eyelids tight over empty sockets, feeling the need to cry, but having no means of doing so. She found it strange that her own injuries bothered her so little, but the only thing that mattered was Nivu, being dead, being....
And he had known she’d been watching. That was almost the worst thing. How he had begged her to close her eyes, as if she wouldn’t hurt if she hadn’t seen....
The wolves had been more merciful than the men who’d driven them into the clearing, and in their frenzy, Nivu had died quickly. But she could still hear his screams, smell the blood...and she’d felt him die, even without her magics.
“Nivu,” she whispered. “Soon, love....” She hoped her mother would be merciful and take Lindira’s human lover into her keeping...but she didn’t know for sure, and it wouldn’t be the same as holding him again. And how she missed...how she longed for his arms around her....
All the pain she had been carrying seemed to form a bright, burning hole in her chest and she could stand it no longer. “Nivu!” She stood, screaming his name. “Nivu, I can’t bear this!” She struck out wildly, searching frantically for anything, a weapon, a knife, even a sharp shard of pottery, that could slice her skin and let her bleed out, find the peace she needed where she couldn’t see....
“Nivu.” She collapsed to her knees, weeping dry-eyed, which hurt more than when they’d put her eyes out in the first place. “Nivu.”
Suddenly strong, soft-furred arms were around her, and though she struggled, Jese wouldn’t let her go. “Shhh, Lin, shhh. Let me hold you. You don’t need to be alone now.”
She tried to hit him with her elbow, but he had too firm a grip. “I’ll always be alone now! Nivu!”
“Shhh.” He forced her head onto his shoulder, and stroked her scalp and back to soothe her, whispering gently to her. Under such relentless care, and with the bodily exhaustion now creeping over her, she couldn’t sustain the passion. She was left sobbing quietly, cradled in his arms. “That’s better.”
“Nivu.”
“I know. I know it hurts. I think you should rest, Lin. It’s been a long, awful day.”
“I....” But even as she started to say she could never sleep like this, she felt a heavy lassitude overcome her, and realised he was using his magics on her. She would have protested, but she was too tired and sleepy for speech. At least when I wake, I will be closer to death. And with that thought, she let him have his way, and slipped into oblivion.
~~~~~
The heaviness of her body told her she’d been asleep for a long time. The coolness and scent of the air, the faint dampness, and the sound of crickets, suggested it was night, but when in the night, she had no idea. If she was in her other form, she might have been able to judge from the tide. “Jese?”
She kept her voice low in case he was asleep, but he was quickly at her side, laying a careful hand on her forehead, though the sickness was in her heart and not in her physical body. “You slept well?”
“Did I have any choice? Stop using your magics on me, little human, it offends me.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to calm you, and you seemed in need of rest.”
“I am in need of only one thing. If you won’t grant it, then leave me alone.”
He sighed, and settled close by. From the creaking, it was on some kind of chair or stool. “You’re not very gracious.”
“They cut graciousness out of me along with my eyes and my tits, you fool. What time is it?”
“Long after midnight. You should rest again. Your body needs it.”
“Better to let it die of neglect than to keep the corpse going.”
“Lin...I beg you. I know how hurt you are, but you upset me when you talk like that. Will you grant me the small favour of keeping off the subject?”
“Squeamish for a human, and yet you all kill so easily.”
“I told you. I don’t kill, and I never have. Apologising on behalf of all humanity would be pretentious, don’t you think?”
She supposed it would be. “Is this your bed? I have no need to it. I’m no longer tired.”
“No, you use it. I’ll sleep on the floor.”
She stiffened, annoyed at being patronised. “I refuse. I won’t let you coddle me!”
“Molti forbid,” he said dryly. “The bed’s large, and there’s room for two—we could share if it wouldn’t offend you.”
“Your stench is no worse than any other human, so I don’t care.”
“Charming. Would you like something to eat?”
She was in fact hungry, but she wasn’t going to admit it to him. “Waste of food.”
“There’s plenty to waste. I made some soup—can you eat vegetables?”
“I’m not hungry.” But her stomach gurgled as soon as the words left her lips, making a liar out of her.
He laughed quietly. “So I see. In the interests of a peaceful night’s rest for both of us, will you take a little?”
She agreed just to shut him up, but refused to be fed like a child, though it was awkward to eat without sight to guide her. She snapped at him when he tried to clean the spills, and would have thrown the spoon for trying to help her, except finally he took her wrist firmly in one hand, took her chin in the other and said, his tone still gentle and calm. “Enough. Lin, I know you’re in pain, and I know your wish is to die. But while we wait for Von, and you’re in my care, I insist you behave as befits a decent Teniri. You don’t do Nivu’s memory any honour by these tantrums, and I don’t deserve your wrath either. Will you behave?”
She tried to jerk her chin away, but he held on. “Why do you harass me?”
“Because Molti—and perhaps Lady Tenir—washed you on my shore and left you in my care. I won’t watch you starve, and I won’t tolerate rudeness. I will comfort you and feed you, listen to your grief, but if you throw utensils at me, I will turn you over my knee and spank you until you beg for mercy. Ah, now, don’t try it, Lin.”
His tone made it clear he meant it, and the indignity of a spanking was unthinkable. She let the spoon fall into the bowl. “Hunet picked the wrong form for you. You should have been an ass.”
Jese chuckled. “Perhaps.” He stroked her cheek respectfully. “I wish this had not happened to you. With all my soul and breath, I wish it.”
“So do I,” she said, her voice breaking, all her temper gone. “I miss him,” she whispered.
He took the bowl from her, and she heard it being set down close by. Then he took her into his arms, and this time she didn’t fight him because it felt better than grieving alone.
She must have been more tired than she’d thought because when he lay her down, and crawled into the bed beside her, she felt sleep creeping up again—and this time, it wasn’t Jese doing it to her. “Would you like me to hold you?” he asked in a whisper.
“Yes.” She felt ashamed of being weak, but it was the first night without Nivu and she’d had so much pain to bear. “Hold me and don’t try to pretend to be him.”
“I would never do that. A lover knows the difference.”
Did Jese ever sleep with Von any more? It almost sounded like he didn’t. His embrace felt lonely, like he had not held anyone for many years. He was nothing like Nivu, for which she was glad, but he was kind and careful and made no demands. The pain inside her eased not at all, but it seemed almost tolerable, here in his arms.
He wasn’t sleeping, she could tell, but he wasn’t trying to make her sleep either, for which she was grateful. “Jese?”
“Hmmm?”
“A wizard’s curse can only take if you’re told how it can be broken. Do you know how this one can be?”
“Yes.”
She frowned in annoyance at him for being so unhelpful. “Well?”
“Hunet’s no fool—he made it impossible.”
“But it can’t literally be impossible, otherwise the curse wouldn’t have any effect. It’s how wizard magics work.”
“Aren’t you tired, woman of Tenir’s heart?”
“Not any more. Tell me.”
“In the morning.”
“No. Now.”
She felt his embrace lessen a little, as if he would have gladly shoved her out of bed for her being so annoying but only his manners stopped him. “You’re being very rude.”
“And you’re being irritating. Please, Jese?”
“What do you care? I’m just a human.”
“A victim of Hunet’s curse. I hate Hunet more than humankind.”
“At least you’ve come that far,” he muttered.
“Jese....”
“The curse can be broken if a woman willingly makes love to us.” The words tumbled out so fast, she thought she’d mistaken him. He drew a deep breath. “Both of us, at the same time.”
That wasn’t such an difficulty, surely. “But....”
He grabbed her hand and pushed it against his face. “Feel that? I’m revolting. And no one can come to this island anyway.”
“But I did,” she said slowly. “Jese—”
“No. Hunet thought of everything.” He wrapped her hands around his clenched fist. “Feel that? Feel my arm?”
“Yes, but—”
“That is the size of Von’s manhood now, Lin. No woman born could take that—and certainly not two of us at the same time. Hunet laughed as he told us. He thought it was a wonderful joke,” he spat. He let her hands go, and rolled over, moving way from her. “I’m sorry. I know it’s disgusting.”
“I made you tell me—it’s not your fault he’s got a perverted sense of humour. I’m sorry, Jese.” But at the same time, she was wondering how exactly she’d been able to get to this island, protected as it was by a wizard’s ban. Had Mother helped her?
She cuddled close to his back, and lay her cheek on the fur of his back. “You’re not revolting,” she whispered.
“Only because you can’t see me.”
“No. Your heart is still beautiful.”
“I have the head of an ape, and when you’re dead, I’ll still have the head of an ape. And my lover will never lie with me again.”
For the first time that day, she almost felt that someone else’s pain might be worse than her own. But he wasn’t in a mood to talk any more, and she had only tiny reserves of energy and sympathy to spare for him. In the morning, they would talk, she vowed. There was time left for that.
~~~~~
It was already very hot when she woke again, tucked close to Jese and wrapped firmly in his arms. He was clearly a cuddler—like Nivu, she thought, the pang sharp and raw almost instantly. Hesitantly, she explored what she could reach of his body. She already knew he was strong, and taller than her by at least a head. Now she discovered he was well proportioned, and though the fur covered his entire body, it was still that of a man. What kind of sick joke had made Hunet change the two lovers into such grotesque forms? If he’d only wanted to stop Von using his magics, he hadn’t needed to do any of the rest. The hatred she had experienced from the hands of humans had been driven by fear and ignorance—but Hunet wasn’t afraid of other magical beings. He simply wanted to control them or cripple their powers.
There had to be more to Jese’s story. Despite herself, she was interested, just a little. Finding out would pass the time until Von returned. Of course, she could always break her promise to Jese, but a few days made little difference to her, a world of difference to him. If it satisfied his sense of honour to wait for Von, she could do that.
He woke soon after, and enquired carefully about her health and her well-being. She snapped a little at being cosseted, so he stopped, and instead offered her breakfast—a tasty flat bread, and strong-flavoured fruit made into a sticky preserve. “The island provides well for you,” she said, nibbling at the warm bread.
“Yes, it does. If you want fish, I could try to catch some—though I’m not sure how you do that.”
“I can survive a few days without fish, little human.”
He went very quiet then at the reminder of her plans. After a while he offered her more food, and seemed to want to change the subject, so she did. She didn’t want to hurt this man unnecessarily. He had done her no wrong.
He had chores to do, and she was useless to help him, so he led her outside to sit in the sea again. It was humid today—she could smell rain even with her dull senses in this form. She strained to hear the voices of her sisters, even that of her mother, but there was nothing out of the ordinary. The scent of the sea reminded her of Nivu, and days with him in his boat, sometimes in this form, sometimes in the other, chasing fish into his nets. He had not deserved to die that way. No one did, but especially not a good, honest, kindly man like him. Oh, how she missed his laugh....
She dared to go a little further out, but the shore was shallow and she could walk for a distance without the water rising any higher up her body. She just liked to feel it around her, imagine the life that dwelled in the ocean, the bright, silvery fish that had been such a delight to chase and to hunt, the seals that sometimes played with them, and competed for the same food, and the gulls that harassed and mocked her and her sisters from the skies. The sea was so full of life and activity, and yet the humans raped it. She’d been so horrified at the waste she’d seen on the land, among the fishermen. They took twice what they needed, and gave nothing back. But Nivu hadn’t been like that. Not at all.
“Lin, are you all right? You’ve been out there ages. Aren’t you burning?”
“My skin’s colour protects me, Jese. Are you done with your chores?”
“More or less. I’ve got some cool juice here, if you’d like.”
The fruit he’d served her so far had been delicious, even though she felt so guilty for having an appetite at all. She knew little of the oceanic islands, so didn’t know if the bounty of this one was normal or not. It was a pleasant enough prison, for sure. Many were not so fortunate.
“Now what have I done?” he asked as she walked out of the sea. “You look so grim and angry.”
“Just thinking I wish I’d been cursed like you, not how I have been.”
“I can see how you would feel that way. I don’t feel so lucky, myself.”
His tone was mild, but she’d offended him, so she tried to be gracious as she accepted the beaker of juice. It was delicious and refreshing, though she didn’t know enough about tropical fruit to identify any of the ingredients. She sat on the fine sand, feeling it coating her wet skin, blowing off her as it dried and she brushed at it distractedly. Life would be very lazy here, she thought. It was almost as if Jese had only to stretch out his hand and food fell into it, though it was undoubtedly not quite that simple.
“Lin?”
“Yes?”
“How did you meet Nivu? If you hate us humans so much, I mean.”
The question caught her off-guard, and she wondered why he cared about a dead man. But then she supposed he had been deprived of conversation for a while. “My sisters and I sometimes help humans, if it amuses us—though I would never help a human now.” She clenched her jaw, remembering. “There was a lone fisherman—a man I had often seen out in his little boat. Usually we don’t like the men who rob the sea, but he was different. He took fewer fish, only what he needed, always thanked Lady Tenir as he pulled in the catch, and apologised for stealing from her daughters. I’d never seen a human do that before, so I was curious. I would swim near his boat and watch. He sang as he worked his nets, or waited for the right wind—he had the most beautiful voice....”
When he realised she couldn’t continue, he said gently, “Don’t tell me if it hurts.”
She turned towards where he sat, so she could snap at him. “Of course it hurts, fool! He’s dead!”
“Lin—”
She held up her hand, not wanting to hear another useless apology. “I watched him for many weeks. Until there was a dreadful storm—he shouldn’t have gone out in it, but it brewed up so fast, he hadn’t known it was coming. His boat capsized, and he was flung into the sea. He could swim, but it was too far to the shore—he would have drowned but I got underneath him and carried him to shore. Even weak as he was, he still thanked me and Mother Tenir for her daughter’s kindness. That kind of respect is rare in your kind.”
“I know,” he murmured. “And yet the goddess of the western seas brings much bounty to the humans, greedy though we are.”
“Exactly. Enough fish for all, but your kind takes food from me and my sisters and then you waste it, throw dead, rotting fish back into the sea, and eat less than half your catches. It’s disgusting.”
“I don’t eat fish, Lin. Nor any flesh.”
“Good for you,” she said sarcastically. “That makes such a difference.”
He sighed heavily. “And then?”
“And then...another storm, this time one even I could not fight. Huge waves, monstrous seas—I was hurled back and forth like a leaf, and then sent crashing to the rocks near the shore. I found myself beached and injured, so I changed to this form, the better to survive on land, but I was still hurt and helpless. Nivu found me there, and cared for me until I was healed. We fell in love, and I agreed to live with him and help him catch his fish.” She shrugged. “It was simple as that. He wasn’t an especially handsome man, or a witty one, but he was patient and kind, wise to the ways of the sea and the land, and respecting all living things....”
“He sounds very nice.”
“Well, he’s dead, isn’t he? He’s just inside some bloody wolves now, being shat out....”
“Lin.” He put his arms around her as she tried to cry and could not. “Wherever he is now, whether in Molti’s sight, or simply dead, he’s beyond all pain.”
“As I would be, if you’d just let me.”
He sighed again. He did that a lot around her. She must be a real aggravation. “Perhaps you have a few things left to do before you die, Lin. If nothing else, you could tell me of you and Nivu, and I could remember you both when you’re gone. Like a memorial. Someone to recall that two good people lived and died.”
“Cold comfort, Jese.”
“Yes, I know. I don’t have much else. I know you don’t care, but your company brings me pleasure, and makes me happy. You still have so much to give, woman of Tenir’s heart.”
“The problem is that giving you pleasure means living in pain.” She thumped her breast. “You can’t see, so you don’t know how it aches, this wretched stone. How I’m blind in more ways than in sight without my magics. And...empty...any future is without him.”
“I know something of that, though not of the rest. I’m not trying to be presumptuous, to say I know all your pain. But I know pain, though it’s a different kind.”
“Hunet must really hate you to do this to you—is it because your lover isn’t human?”
She felt him shake his head. “No. Hunet’s lover—you know of him?”
“I heard he’s a god who’s fallen under his thrall. If I were a god, I’d squash that loathsome bastard like a cockroach.”
“A cockroach harms no one intentionally. Hunet is far worse.” A statement with which Lindira silently agreed. “His lover is Cisen. He’s Von’s brother.”
She twisted in shock. “Brother? Is he a god as well?”
“Yes. Which is why Hunet was especially delighted to bring him down. Von and Cisen had a falling out some time ago, over me, and then over Hunet. Cisen gave Hunet Von’s real name, which gave him the power he needed.”
Blessed Mother. “That’s appalling. Such a betrayal would make him cursed by all the other gods. They’re probably hunting for him all the time now.”
“Yes, so Von says, though he doesn’t actually blame his brother. He says Hunet twisted him, and believes Cisen could now be as much a prisoner as we are.”
“By choice,” she said firmly. “He deserves no pity.”
“You’re a hard woman, Lin,” he said, patting her shoulder. “We don’t know what’s in Cisen’s heart, or what was done to him. He’s much younger than Von, less experienced.”
“No god, no creature of magic, would give up a true name to so foul a man as Hunet,” she said. “It goes against every law of magic and honour. What kind of god is Von?”
“A god of increase—fertility. Life, in fact. I think that’s what drew me to him.”
Now it made sense. “And he made this place for you?”
“Yes. A place where we could live in privacy—he could have made it so I’d never have to lift a finger, but I said, no, just enough so I could manage on my own with decent, ordinary effort. We didn’t know how ironic it would be, but it was lucky he had done such a good job, for now we have only ourselves to support each other.”
“At least you’ve survived.”
“There’s life—and then there’s living.”
Something she’d been trying to get through to him since she’d woken the day before, she thought ruefully.
They sat a little while in silence, but then he let her go. “It’s too hot for me, and it’s time for lunch. Come inside.”
More bread, and slices of some hard-fleshed fruit, along with a handful of nuts. He explained, as they ate, how he had to range a little way to find the food, but there was always something, and there was plentiful fresh water. Von wanted flesh to eat as well, and since Jese didn’t hunt, Von would take off on his own from time to time to restock. “And to get away from me for a while,” Jese said quietly. “He finds it hard—he blames himself, though after all this time, I wish he’d forgive himself. I think he forgives Cisen more easily.”
“How long has it been?”
“Oh, thirty years at least.”
She dropped her food in shock. “Thirty? You sound much younger.”
He chuckled humourlessly. “With mind speech, any infirmity of the body would be hidden anyway. But I’m young in body, it’s true. Von gifted me with immortality and immortal youth, as well as my magics. At least we will always be together. As much as we can be,” he added bitterly.
Lindira tried to imagine being trapped in one place for thirty years, always close to one’s lover, but never to be truly intimate with them, and realised that Jese had more knowledge of great pain than she’d credited him with. Another sin to lay at Hunet’s door. Another reason why he had to die and his evil be expunged.
She sat on the bed while he worked quietly at the other end of the hut, making some kind of nut paste, he said. She wasn’t paying attention—instead she was turning over the revelations he had given her. Von was a god—and if his powers were restored, surely he could wreak vengeance for the wrongs done to him, and to her and to all the other victims of Hunet’s crimes. All those innocent people who had suffered cruel, vicious punishments for daring to love outside their race, all the magical beings who had been crippled and scarred...and even the humans, living in a blighted, damaged world, blind to the beauty and wonder of gods and magic because of prejudices that Hunet had stoked and created. They were all victims of that bastard wizard.
The curse had to be capable of being broken—even Hunet couldn’t get around that, because a wizard’s magics were, strangely, made strong by the essential flaw in their spells. She thought about it, thought about what would be required, thought about exactly how likely it was that she had somehow come to this place by pure chance, and then walked over to the kitchen area, to tell Jese her conclusions, and what she wanted to do.
His reaction was immediate and horrified. “No!”
“But why not?”
“I said ‘no’, that’s why. It’s just allowing you to kill yourself more slowly than with the knife and if you’re that bent on suicide, I’d rather not be involved!”
“But it has to be possible—”
“I said ‘no’. Leave me alone, Lin. I wish I’d never told you.”
He shoved past her and she heard his rapid footsteps crunching away on the sand. He had the hide to call her stubborn. “I know you can still hear me,” she said, not bothering to raise her voice.
“I can hear you, but I’m not listening,” he said, sounding as if he was right next to her, though he had to be some distance away with the speed he’d put on. “Lin, you’ve just been greatly hurt, and lost your lover. You want to die. And you expect me to calmly stick my hand up your cunt? Do you think me an animal because I have the head of one?”
“Jese, I think I was sent here for a reason. How else did I get through Hunet’s ban? Mother Tenir must have helped me, so I could help you.”
“Rot.”
“Another explanation?”
“You’re Teniri. Maybe his curse wasn’t well formed enough to exclude you. We do get dolphins near the shore.”
He had a point, but she persisted. “But no other woman?”
“You can keep this up all day, Lin. I’m not agreeing to this. I refuse to kill you or hurt you. If Von wants to grant your wish cleanly, that’s up to him. But what you ask would make me no better than the men who cut off your breasts.”
She almost stamped her foot in annoyance, then went out of the hut into the blistering sun. She had no idea where he was, but she faced in the direction he could have been. “But if I could take your hand, I could take Von.”
“Have you forgotten Nivu already that you want another man to touch you there?”
She hissed in rage. “Are you mocking me, human?”
“Are you dishonouring him, Teniri?”
“This is nothing to do with Nivu! It’s about defeating Hunet! If I can do that before I die, then I shall avenge Nivu and all Hunet’s other victims! If the price is a slightly sore cunt—”
“Slightly!”
“Oh, grow up, Jese. A cunt is tougher than any cock. If you won’t use your hand, I’ll just find a stone the right size.”
“Don’t be disgusting.”
“I’m already looking, Jese. I bet Von wouldn’t be so picky. He’s a god—he’ll believe me when I tell him Lady Tenir must want this.”
“Von will be disgusted too. Lin, stop it!” He caught up with her just as she had stumbled across some rocks near the vegetation fringing the shore. “You can’t put one of those inside you!”
She’d had no intention of doing so, but still looked in his direction with a defiant expression. “I am Lady Tenir’s daughter, and this is her wish. I will not die with the sin of disobedience on my soul.”
“You’ll die with a rosy bottom,” he growled. “Oh, put that down, don’t be so— Lin, that’s horrible!” He took the rock out of her grasp with more than necessary force.
“Then use your hand.”
“No. I have no idea how to even try, Lin. I’ve never slept with a woman.”
“You did last night.”
“You know what I mean.” She heard the soft thunk of him presumably tossing the stone away. “Doesn’t the idea bother you at all? A strange man touching you in that way?”
“Not after what happened to us. There are worse violations of the body, Jese.”
“It’s still a violation—and you couldn’t enjoy it.”
“No. I wouldn’t expect to. But the pleasure of defeating that wizard would overcome any pain.”
“It’s simply physically impossible.”
“No, it can’t be, or the curse couldn’t work. Somewhere there has to be a woman who can take an organ of that size inside her. If I’m the only woman to get to the island, doesn’t that tell you something?”
His hands rested on her shoulders. “You want me to do this, let us fuck you, and then you’re planning to kill yourself. And you expect me to like any of this? Have you lost all fellow feeling, Lin? Put yourself in my position.”
“If I were in your position, Jese, my lover would still be alive. And you bet I would take up an offer that would let me be with him. Anything short of murder, and even that, if the person deserved it. We Teniri aren’t sentimental creatures.”
“No? You surprise me.”
“Keep your sarcasm for your lover, Jese.”
He squeezed her shoulders a little in apology. “If I allowed this, I really have no idea how this would work, or how to ease things for you....”
He was softening, she could tell. “Did you use anything when you and Von used to make love?”
“There’s a palm—I extract oil from the fruit for cooking. We used that.”
“Then that’s the answer.”
“Lin....”
“Jese? Let my last act on this earth mean something? For I’ll die when Von returns, even if he doesn’t grant me my wish. Neither of you will stop me. I have vowed it.”
He went very still. “Lin, I would give up any chance,” he said in a quiet voice, full of sadness, “of ever lying with Von again, if it would persuade you to live.”
She was stunned at this declaration from a man who hadn’t even known of her existence two days ago. “Jese...you shouldn’t say such a thing. I’m nothing to you.”
“No, you’re not nothing,” he said roughly. “You’re a person, another living creature, with as much right to life and happiness as any other. I would not buy my happiness at the cost of yours, and your life is worth any amount of love-making. If I agree to this, will you agree not to kill yourself?”
The pleading in his voice came close to undoing her, but still she shook her head. “I’m sorry. Teniri live for hundreds of years. Do you want me to live so long with this grief? “
“But then he would have died before you anyway.”
“Yes, maybe, after a long, happy and full life, and in the normal course of things. I could bear that loss. But he died a foul, cruel death because of me. and I can’t live with knowing that.”
He pulled her close, and she rested against him, wishing to comfort even though there was no peace for her. “I know you don’t understand,” she whispered. “But I long for the rest of death, and to live with my mother again. There’s even a chance I will see Nivu again, with her. Only a chance, but one I will take.”
He shifted a little in surprise. “Oh, I didn’t realise.... So death isn’t the end for you?”
“Of this existence, yes. But also of pain. Even if I don’t see Nivu there, I will be with my mother again. I would rather that than to live a half-life. Don’t grieve for me, Jese.”
His embrace tightened. “If you truly will be happier, of course I won’t stop you. I can’t take your life, though.”
She wouldn’t lay that burden on him, now she knew more of his nature. “I can wait. But I’m serious when I say my mother sent me to you. The more I think, the more I’m sure of it.”
“I don’t want to hurt you. I hate causing anyone pain.”
“We’ll take it slowly. Remember, it has to be possible.”
He was, she realised, as much embarrassed as distressed, and the only way around that was to just be completely matter-of-fact. She told him to take a little of the oil in a flask. “Where shall we do this?”
“In the ocean. I always relax in the sea.”
“Me too. I like to swim. I like to imagine that I could float away to freedom. The dolphins....” He stopped. “They always seem to watch me,” he said slowly. “Do you really think your mother takes an interest in my doings?”
“The gods are all interested in each other, and perhaps you intrigue my sisters. Dolphins are curious creatures, you know that.”
She heard a smile in his voice as he answered, “They’re stubborn ones, that’s for sure.”
He took her hand, and led her down to the sea again. It was still fiercely hot, and the water was blood warm. Despite all her sorrow, Lindira sank into it once more with something like pleasure. It was tempting to think, as Jese did, that all she had to do was swim away and leave her sorrows behind her, but she had no idea if she would be allowed to leave under the ban, and besides, now she knew her duty. She would break the curse on Jese and Von, and they would avenge Nivu’s death.
He wanted to hold her for a few moments, and she let him, resting against his powerful body. The fur felt strange, but not unpleasant. She wondered what colour it was, and then wondered what possible difference it could make. It seemed her stubborn mind was trying to engage her interest in a life which held no delight at all for her.
He seemed to notice the darkening of her mood. “We don’t have to do this now,” he murmured. “Don’t you want a little time?”
“I just want it over with, Jese.”
He entwined his fingers in hers. “It seems wrong to inflict a sexual act on a grieving lover.”
“If I don’t mind, then neither should you.”
With a gentle, rueful sigh, he agreed, and she got comfortable in the shallow water, sitting in his lap. It washed around her as she parted her legs. “Watch what I do,” she said, then began to probe gently between the folds of her cunt, showing him how to spread her without causing discomfort. It was extremely strange to do this without being able to see a reaction. Nivu had....
But she must not think of Nivu. This was nothing to do with their love, or their love-making. “Touch me,” she ordered. “Put some oil on your fingers.”
“Do I just put them...inside?”
He sounded like he thought she had teeth down there, and despite herself, she smiled. “No—you’ll have to play a little first.”
She took his hand, and moved his fingers against her, until he got his confidence. His touch was gentle, as she expected. Hesitant too—not like....
Not confident—he’d told no lie. He really had never touched a woman that way before. Lindira concentrated on the pleasure of the warm water, the lapping sounds that were so familiar to her, and just let him discover her secrets, trying to just concentrate on the here and now, and not on the memories which made her ache inside.
He ran a fingertip over her clit, and she shivered. “That’s where it’s good?” he asked uncertainly.
He was so sweet, she thought. “Not the only place. Go on.”
He rubbed between her cunt lips, stroking gently but with increasing assurance. He exclaimed a little as he felt the signs of her excitement, which she couldn’t help, and refused to be ashamed at. She guided his hand lower. “Inside,” she whispered. “One finger—don’t worry, it’s tougher than an arsehole, and meant to take it.”
He laughed at her vulgarity, then slipped a finger in. “It’s so easy,” he said in surprise.
“It’s nothing. Fuck me with it a little.”
And he did—it felt nice, though not as good as a cock would. He added another finger, then another. “It’s tight—Lin, you’ll never—”
“Hush. Be patient, little human.”
He was slow, and careful, adding more oil as he went, but a fourth finger stretched her to the limit. “Just give me...a few moments,” she said, panting hard, struggling to spread herself wider, pressing back against his strong, furred chest and trying to ease the burn. It wasn’t unpleasant, but it was more than she could easily take.
His arm went around her, supporting her, comforting her. “I’m hurting you.”
“No, you’re not. It just feels...full. Move it, but slowly.”
She moaned a little as he twisted his fingers, and went to touch herself to give herself a little distraction, but he pushed her hand away. “Let me?”
She nodded, surprised, but more than happy to let him do the work. He rubbed her clit again, and around it, and she sighed with pleasure. “Does it hurt?” he asked in a worried tone, misinterpreting her reaction.
“No...please, Jese, don’t stop.”
He twisted his hand which felt incredibly good, then shifted her so she was spread wide by his knees. His fingers went in deeper as she moved, and he exclaimed in surprise. “In the name of Molti!”
The stretch was hurting her now, and despite what he was doing to her clit, it was hard to distract herself. “Try...the last.”
“Are you sure?”
“Do it!”
He tried to ease it in, but it hurt like she was close to being split in two. She gritted her teeth, trying not to show it, but at last she cried out a little. He stopped immediately. “Lin....”
“Use more oil, Jese.”
But try as he might, however much oil he used, or how much she bit back the cries, he could not add his thumb properly, nor get his hand any further in. Finally, despite her protests, and with infinite care, he slowly drew his hand out. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, gathering her close into his arms. “It can’t work.”
“It has to work, it has to,” she yelled, pounding his arms in frustration.
He smothered her struggles easily, and bore her angry blows. “Not meant to be, my dear Lin,” he said. “We tried.”
“No. Try again!”
“No. Enough.”
He petted her and comforted her, cradling her despite her rage and pleading, but he refused to give in. Finally, he picked her up out of the water, and carried her back to the cottage. “We nearly had it,” she said, glaring furiously at where she imagined him to be, when he had set her down again.
“Nearly isn’t enough, Lin. We tried,” he said in a gentle, sorrowful voice that showed no hint of bending to her will. “Please don’t mention it again.”
She could have wept in disappointment. She knew she was the one meant to do this—she could feel it in her bones. But he remained obdurate, and when he could stand the arguing no longer, curtly told her he was going to collect some fruit, and left her helpless and fuming in the little cottage.
It was when he left her that the full force of her blindness struck her—since she hadn’t expected to be there long enough to need to know the layout of the cottage, she’d not bothered to learn it. She cursed Jese and swore she would never try to help a human again.
But still, failing at her self-appointed task aggravated her beyond bearing. She fumbled her slow way across to the food stores, sniffing and licking containers and bottles to find the oil, but she couldn’t find it. She screeched in pure frustration. Her body was betraying her this one final time, and she had to do this now, or the chance would be lost.
Finally she felt her way outside again. There was a shelter outside the door, cooling the air before it entered the cottage. She found a place to sit on a smooth rock. Her cunt still tingled from his touch, and now the pain had gone, she felt the need for something to fill her, though it was vaguely shameful to feel that way. She wondered a little that her body could want this, so soon after Nivu. Perhaps it was just her mind protecting her from the horror. Perhaps her mother was directing this. It was probably unimportant now. Nivu was dead, and she could dishonour him no more than his own kind had done.
She was wasting time, and if this was to be done at all.... She slipped her hand between her legs, feeling the slickness of the oil and her own juices, her clit swollen a little from being played with. They had come so close....
She would not be defeated, she vowed. She went back into the hut and made a less frenzied search for the oil that Jese had used, and this time, found it easily. She brought it outside and, making herself comfortable again, trickled oil on her cleft, and on her fingers. She began to tease herself, spreading her cunt lips and rubbing her clit, dipping lower into herself, her juices and the oil slippery, making it so easy to slide up and down on her silky inner lips. She took two of her own fingers with ease, and pretended it was Nivu, no longer trying not to think of him. How his skilful fingers would fuck her until she was begging, and then his thick cock, filling her so wonderfully, with his sweet mouth on hers, and that voices, murmuring low, telling her she was loved, and desired....
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